Mutually Assured Destruction
by TheVideoGamer
Summary: Lillia is an intern of Doctor Schugel's. She finds herself fixated on his latest test subject: a powerful mage named Tanya. Will gaining this soldier's attention be the best thing to happen to her, or the signing into a pact of mutually assured destruction? Either way, she finds herself falling hard for this girl - and Tanya can only do so much to keep herself from falling too.
1. Visceral

The first time I saw Tanya Degurechaff was during the hot summer of my internship with Doctor Schugel. I was working on the Elinium Arms testing grounds for several weeks before anything really caught my interest there. The truth is, I wanted to leave. Physics and engineering weren't my largest points of interest - I was more of a biology kind of girl.

But the Empire didn't need biologists in its time of war.

The doctor was a unique, ingenuous, albeit crazy man, and all of his researchers feared him at least a little. As for me, being his intern meant standing by is side and looking on as he designed irrational, destructive time bombs that had little to no chance of being successful. Often times they would blow up or send glass and metal flying through the air, to which he would consult his calculations for troubleshooting purposes, and I would consult the medic for a few new stitches.

I was seriously considering writing to one of the superiors of the war research cause and begging for a transfer, until something happened that caused me to rethink my entire situation. Then I figured...maybe I could stay a bit longer.

It was a mildly breezy day. The cool air blowing in from the North helped to lessen the harsh sting of the sun. I walked outside, a few paces behind the doctor, holding a small gray box in my hands. I'll admit I was a little afraid to be holding it, knowing that what was inside was the very object that had caused me and the other researchers so many injuries. Really, I couldn't believe we were field testing it already. Schugel was sure it would work this time, but given the lab trials we'd already conducted...the likelihood of that was slim to none.

Waiting for us in the middle of the concrete take-off zone was, to my shock, a girl my age.

My initial thought was that she couldn't possibly have anything to do with this disaster of a project, but her insulated jumpsuit was suggesting otherwise.

"You really think this is gonna work?" She raised an eyebrow at the doctor. "It's not going to explode on me, is it?"

He shook his head, a mad grin spreading across his face. Even after all this time, it still gave me chills to see that expression. "Of course it's going to work. Have faith in my creations, lieutenant."

This girl was a _lieutenant?_ But she was a kid, just like me. Did she really know how to fire a rifle? To kill?

She shrugged her shoulders. "Alright, well, please give it to me then."

"Give it to her, Lillia."

I swallowed my spit as she turned to me. Now that we were directly facing each other, it was even more obvious how young she was. She was small - smaller than me - and she had the biggest, bluest eyes I'd ever seen. There simply weren't people like that in the village I came from.

Despite this, she didn't give off the impression that she was aware of her beauty. She watched me with her eyebrows sternly furrowed and a hand on her hip, clearly wanting to get this over with.

Maybe I was just taken aback by her age, really…but my fingers couldn't help but fumble over each other as I unlocked the box. From it, I pulled a shining circle of gold, set with a polished red stone. I lifted it carefully, because I knew exactly what kind of destruction it was capable of.

The soldier looked less than impressed when I glanced up at her.

"Th-this is called the Elinium Type 95... It's the doctor's proudest achievement, but please be careful. It allows you to harness a startling capacity of your power, so long as that power rests within you."

She nodded. "Yes, I've heard the goals of the project. I've been briefed already."

"O-oh, okay. Sorry."

That wasn't such a bad interaction in hindsight, but in the moment it felt like the largest social blunder of my life. I did my best to suppress a cringe and stepped forward as the soldier unzipped the top of her jumpsuit.

I gingerly set the Type 95 to her collar and fastened it to her necklace. For these few moments, we were in close proximity. I could see how long her eyelashes were, and how flawless her skin was, and-

What was I _doing?_

I stepped back, and reality seemed to resume as Doctor Schugel spoke. "This is Lieutenant Degurechaff, Lillia. You two will be working together while we undergo the testing for my Type 95." He snickered slightly, and I could've sworn I saw the soldier's left eye twitch. "Haha...perhaps you two will develop a friendship. You're certainly the only two young girls in the whole facility."

"We'll see," Lieutenant Degurechaff sighed. "Let's start the testing."

My fascination for her only grew as I stood by the doctor and watched her fly through the sky.

-XXX-

I stood by as Doctor Schugel frantically messed with hex keys and tiny yellow screws. "Dammit! That girl just messed it up, didn't she?! In theory, my invention should _work!_ "

I didn't have much to say to him. "...I'm sorry, doctor. What can I do to help?"

" _Nothing,_ " he hissed. But then he paused for a second, rethinking it. "...Tell Lieutenant Degurechaff that testing tomorrow is cancelled. I have to make some serious adjustments."

I had a feeling he was eager to get rid of me, so I gave him my "yes sir" and hurried out.

Anxiety struck me like a bullet as I walked through the residential building. I'd always been a bit of a nervous person with a small voice, and encountering such a strangely intimidating girl such as this didn't help me to be more outgoing. The worst part was that I really couldn't pinpoint _why_ she intimidated me. Her beauty and her attitude were somehow interesting to me, but they were also the reason she threw me so far off-kilter. I began to wish, for just that moment, that I had pursued neuroscience or psychology instead, just to make sense of my own emotions.

It took two knocks.

"Who is it?"

"Um, it's Lillia. Doctor Schugel's intern."

She answered the door pretty quickly, which didn't give me enough time to take a proper breath of preparation. All the air was knocked out of my lungs when I saw her in her nightgown. It hadn't even occurred to me how late it was at night.

"Oh, I-I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?"

She shook her head. "I was just about to go to bed. What do you need?"

I... completely forgot what I had come there for. With her hair down, she looked even even less like a soldier than before, and more like a girl. It was a pure, yellow-blond color, and there was an effortless sort of grace to it. She really didn't know she was beautiful, did she? How could she not-

"Well?"

"Oh! U-uhm, the doctor sent me to let you know that there won't be any testing tomorrow morning. He's cancelling it to fix the Type 95."

A grin broke out across her face. "Really? So I get a break from dodging my own death. Honestly, that jewel is so unstable that if I didn't know any better, I'd think Doctor Schugel was looking to kill me."

I chuckled quietly. "He's certainly the definition of a mad scientist, but I think he means well."

The lieutenant nodded slightly. "Perhaps."

And then we stood in a long, stiff silence.

"You're red. Is something the matter?"

I shook my head quickly. "I'm okay. I-I should get going, really. Sorry again for coming to you so late at night."

"It's fine. See you at the testing site."

"Yes, see you there." I gave her a nod and stood there for a while after she shut the door. God, she was going to think I was so weird... I still didn't understand why I was acting this way around her. No one had ever had this strange capability - to completely offset my emotions with nothing but their presence. And Lieutenant Degurechaff wasn't even _trying to do it_.

Maybe it had something to do with her being a mage. I really knew nothing about magic, so I couldn't come up with a viable explanation. Only educated guesses, hopes, and of course, concerns.


	2. Rational

That morning, Doctor Schugel wasn't very pleased to see me. His eyes were even more bloodshot than usual and they were lined in thick, dark circles.

"I don't want your help. You'll only slow me down." He pointed toward the door.

"O-oh, okay. Where would you rather I-"

"I don't care. Just leave me be."

"Yes, sir." I nearly ran from the lab.

I didn't generally eat breakfast, but it was almost nine AM as I left the main research building and decided I'd treat myself to something from the only small cafe this base had to offer.

I froze as soon as I walked in. This base truly _was_ small, because there she was, sitting at a stool in front of the counter. She was sipping a cup of coffee, and nothing else.

I knew what I had to do. Well, it was more what I _wanted_ to do. Also, it would've been odd if I didn't even say hi.

"Hello!" I greeted, taking the seat next to her. "It's funny running into you here."

She turned and offered me a polite smile. Just a natural formality, I figured. "I come here fairly often, actually. The coffee is good. I recommend it."

"Okay, I'll get a cup then." Some silence. I tapped two fingers on the table. "Could I treat you to something? They pay me for my internship. And without you piloting the project, I wouldn't really have an internship here at all."

She shook her head politely. "That's not necessarily true."

I put my hands in my lap and looked down. My cheeks were definitely heating up, and I was so focused on getting them to stop that I didn't see her turn toward me.

"What put you in the position to be Schugel's intern?" the lieutenant asked curiously.

"Well, the truth is, I never really cared much for engineering." I looked back up at her. Her beautiful eyes - all of their attention was on me. "My true passion is biology, but that's of no use during war. I mean, biological weapons are illegal…and I have to be useful to the empire if I want to make money to send back home."

The lieutenant raised an eyebrow at that, immediately seeming to understand the situation I was in. She asked just to clarify, though. "Are these tough times for you?"

"My village was on the border, and it was captured. My family and I escaped just in time, but not with much. And now we don't have a very permanent place of residence, either." I didn't have a clue why I'd just spilt my story to her. "But, that's where my job comes in!" I gave her a determined smile, hoping to ease the somberness.

Surprisingly, the lieutenant scoffed a bit, taking another sip of her coffee. "And to think you offered to spend some money on me."

"Like I said, without you, Schugel wouldn't be developing his Type 95, and he wouldn't need me at all. So, I should be offering you my gratitude."

"That's kind, but I haven't done anything."

Some more silence.

She spoke again. "Don't worry, Lillia. I understand the path of getting employment at a young age and forging a future on your own. We have similar stories."

I smiled again, deciding to change the subject. "So, you're a soldier, right? ...Have you ever been in a shoot-out before?"

She set her cup down on its saucer. "Yes. A while ago, I was in the north on sentry duty. It was only supposed to be part of my training, but then I was ambushed by an enemy mage company. I had to take them all out on my own."

My eyes widened in shock. "Really?!" That, for some reason, became the first moment that I noticed her badge. Tucked under her arm slightly, it still glinted in the morning light. "So that's how you got that badge, then?"

The lieutenant looked down and moved her arm to see it. That's when I could fully recognize what it was. Holy _shit_.

"A…Silver Wings Assault Badge. Th-that's the highest military honor, right?!"

"Well, yes."

"Will you tell me the full story? How many did you have to kill to make that achievement?"

Lieutenant Degurechaff picked her coffee back up and took another sip. "Seven men. I had no idea I had it in me, but the mind does amazing things when faced with a life-or-death situation. I'll tell you though, I ended up hospitalized for over a month, because…"

This is one of the best memories I have: the morning I spent with Tanya Degurechaff in the cafe, listening to her unbelievable stories. Of course, I believed it all. She had the merits to prove it.

I'm sure my face was a dark shade of crimson the entire time.

-XXX-

The following day, I babbled enthusiastically to Doctor Schugel about my time at the cafe as we walked out to the testing grounds. He wasn't really listening, just reminding me every now and again to be careful with the box as he glanced over his shoulder at me. Eventually, he cut me off, but the words that followed surprised me.

"So I was right then, heh heh. You two _have_ become friends."

We were just about to step outside into the breezy morning air, and I froze in my tracks for a moment. "You think this makes us friends?"

He shrugged as I ran around him and held open the door. "I don't know. I don't actually care. Let's get to work."

Lieutenant Degurechaff was waiting for us with half a grin. My optimism said it was because I was here, but my realism was suggesting that she just meant to be polite.

"Good morning, Doctor Schugel." She turned to me. "And good morning, Lillia."

I gave her a sincere smile. "Morning!" Quickly, I uncased the Elinium Type 95 and and held it out. The lieutenant stepped toward me and pushed some stray locks of blond hair out of the way before unzipping her jacket for me. I carefully linked it to her necklace, as per the routine. This time, though, the wind seemed to blow at just the right second - just the right direction too. Those stray locks of blond blew toward me and grazed the edges of my cheeks. I could just barely smell the scent of her hair.

I pretended to have some difficulty with the chain and gave a warm smile of apology. When I finally "fixed it", I made the grand mistake of glancing up at her, still so close to her face.

Lieutenant Degurechaff was smirking at me. Had she been aware of my lie? What a terrible slip-up! My whole face burned as I stepped back. Schugel didn't seem to notice anything, because he just stood behind me, tapping his foot impatiently for us to be done with the simple action. How had it suddenly splayed out before me into such a complicated scene? She was still smirking - mischievously, even - as if she'd just figured out my guiltiest secret and was deciding whether or not to tell me she knew about it.

Nothing was said, though. The testing started soon after.

Unfortunately, the Elinium Type 95 still didn't work. It self-destructed during testing and the lieutenant came parachuting to the ground, furious.

"DAMMIT, Schugel! Without that safety mechanism, I would've surely been blown to pieces!"

"Now, lieutenant, let's be serious. It should _work!_ " He was angry too, clutching his clipboard so tightly that his knuckles were white. "You're clearly not concentrating hard enough."

Lieutenant Degurechaff pulled it off of her neck, breaking her chain necklace in the process, and threw the red jewel onto the concrete. It hit with a nasty _crack_. Schugel took in a breath to scream, but the lieutenant had already turned her back on him and was stomping away.

I stood there in shock for a moment, unsure what to do. The doctor seemed to be in the same state, until he turned to me. "If you're really friends with her, you should be able to talk some sense into that damned stubborn soldier."

"Are you sure it's my place to-"

"GO!"

I didn't want to become the new subject of his wrath, so I sprinted after Lieutenant Degurechaff.


	3. Transitory

I grabbed the door to the research facility just as it was about to close and sprinted through. There she was, her laced boots stomping angrily down the hallway. They echoed across the walls as I shuffled to catch up.

"Lieutenant, are you okay?"

She didn't even glance back at me. "I'm fine. I just can't stand this anymore. I'm thinking of requesting a transfer."

My heart dropped, and I stopped in my tracks. "...Are you sure?"

"Probably." She heard my feet stop, and froze as well. "Why do you care?"

"Well, because we were becoming friends…if you left, I would be alone with only the doctor and his team to keep my company."

"You dealt with that when I wasn't here."

"Yeah. But now that it's been this way for a few days, I really don't want to go back."

The lieutenant turned.

I hadn't even noticed before - maybe it had been hidden by her hair - but a stream of blood was running down from under her bangs. It flowed all the way to the bottom of her chin, standing out like ink against the porcelain white of her face.

She heard me gasp a little and felt it with her head. Upon noticing the blood on her fingers, she just shook her head slightly and looked back up at me. "...What is it with you?"

"Huh? W-what do you mean?"

"I mean you're such a mess. Always stuttering, and blushing, and smiling at me. If I'm going to transfer, I won't ever see you again, so just tell me."

I was taken aback. "I-I still don't know what you mean! That's just kind of the way I am."

Lieutenant Degurechaff shook her head again. "I don't believe that." She turned on her heel and began to walk again toward the end of the hall.

Watching her leave, I sighed. Maybe I should've just explained myself. After all, if I was really never going to see her again-

The lieutenant pushed the door open at the end of the hall and looked over her shoulder, hesitating for a moment. "Hey, come with me. I want to talk to you personally."

My eyes widened at that. "O-okay! But…your head is bleeding, so we should really go to the nurse."

"I'll grab a first-aid kit on the way. If it needed stitches I would've lost more blood than this."

I was hesitant to believe her, but _really_ didn't want to lose my chance to talk, so I nodded and followed along. I'd performed basic sutures on biological subjects before, so I was more-or-less prepared to do it myself if she ended up needing it.

-XXX-

I stepped into her room and couldn't help but swallow my spit when she shut the door. It was just us now, in this exclusive environment. It felt sort of…intimate. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I was too lost in these thoughts to even notice she had locked the door behind us.

Lieutenant Degurechaff sat down on the side of the bed and motioned to the space next to her. "You can sit too."

I did so. Now we were shoulder-to-shoulder, and both of us were looking at the floor. A brief silence fell.

"Lillia. Have I stricken you in some unusual way?"

The answer was yes, but a shockwave of ice-cold anxiety flew down my spine as soon as I realized I had to answer.

"I already know what your answer is, so don't bother making something up." The soldier sighed. "I don't really have a good understanding of these kinds of things. The fact that you've made this unintentionally clear to someone as unemotional as myself should really say something about your ability to hide it." She looked over at me with an ambivalent expression. I gazed back in bewilderment, so she just scoffed and shook her head. "...I don't think you would survive as a soldier. Never volunteer, alright? Non-mages are disposable enough already."

"What are you getting at?" I asked. "I-I don't understand."

Lieutenant Degurechaff sat back a little and crossed her arms. "Well…I went on a tangent there. Here's the question I brought you here to ask."

I watched the blood dry on her face, caking strands of her hair together. There was immense beauty in her complexion, even now. I couldn't ignore the warm sensation that bubbled up from the pit of my stomach to the top of my chest.

My face was heating up again, and the lieutenant's eyes began to narrow.

She leaned forward for a moment, as if testing something out, inspecting my face as a scientist would his subject. We were _so_ close. I held my breath.

Lieutenant Degurechaff shook her head. "I knew it. You're attracted to me."

"What?!" I scrambled backwards, leaning my arms back against the mattress for support. "Why would you say that?!"

"Come on. I know I'm unempathetic, but I can tell a crush when I see one." She stood up and walked over to the window, intertwining her fingers behind her back. "Don't expect me to be oblivious as you swoon over me. It was overtly obvious today that you unfastened the Elinium Type 95 from my neck on purpose and then fixed it." She snickered. "Just wanted to buy some more time close to me, hm?"

I was in too much shock to form words. She was reading me like a book, effortlessly reciting pages from my mind that I'd been too afraid to turn to. "...Please don't say things like that."

"What, do you think there's something wrong with it?" She shrugged her shoulders. "There isn't. I'm not saying I _care_."

Desperate to get out of this conversation, I grabbed the first-aid kit she'd set on the desk and put it down on the bed. I unlatched the cover and flipped it open, revealing all of the neatly-arranged medical supplies inside. "Here. Let me fix up your head for you." I patted the spot where she'd been sitting before.

She crossed her arms in protest, but sat down anyway.

"Wouldn't want it to become infected," I mumbled.

She may have rolled her eyes at that, but I wasn't sure. I was too busy thinking about how I was going to clean the wound.

I brushed her bangs out of the way with my left hand and wetted a cloth with some rubbing alcohol. She winced a bit as I tried to clean some of the congealed blood away.

"Sorry."

"Whatever."

"The good news is that it looks pretty shallow. The only thing is that I'm gonna put a bandage over it to keep it safe."

She nodded slightly, so I reached down and dug through the kit until I came across a small roll of gauze. "Th-this'll have to do for now. We should go to the clinic later." I wrapped it around her head twice and taped it.

The lieutenant stood up and looked in the mirror. "Isn't it overkill? This looks like I have a concussion or something."

"Well, it was a big cut. How did it happen anyway?"

"When the Type 95 malfunctioned, a part of it broke off and hit me, I believe."

"Oh."

In that moment, I was suddenly hit with a realization.

I had completely forgotten why I ran after the lieutenant in the first place. Schugel was probably waiting impatiently for her to go and apologize to him!

I decided to approach it casually. "The doctor really wants you to come back, you know."

She scoffed. "Not going to happen. That man can burn in hell. He's psychotic if he thinks his piece of garbage will ever work."

Okay, so...that wasn't a good start.

"You're doing great things for the Empire by helping this project."

"It'll be worse for the Empire if I'm dead. I serve much more purpose doing other things."

"Would you really rather be on the front lines?"

"Not really. But it's probably safer than being a test subject for Doctor Schugel."

I didn't know how to answer, so I didn't say anything.

"I'll be writing my request for transfer as soon as you leave, so I may see you again for my last days here, but that will be all." She shut the first-aid kit and picked it up. "Since I'm sure this is the only and last time that we'll speak in private, I'll leave you with these parting words."

My chest felt heavy with sadness, but I waited for her to continue.

Lieutenant Degurechaff walked toward the door and unlocked it. "You really ought to stop lying to yourself and confront these things you're feeling, because when you reject them eternally, they show on your face. And most people won't get it like I do. They won't understand the way you are, and if they figure out the truth about you, there could be trouble."

"...Why do _you_ understand?" I asked quietly.

She just looked at me for a second before shoving the first-aid kit into my hands. "Drop that off for me, please."

I nodded as she opened the door for me. "I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

The lieutenant nodded. "I'll let you know when I'm going. It'll be within the next few days."

"Okay."

There was nothing else to say as I stepped out into the hall and she shut the door, closing off communication between us. I exhaled deeply and began my return to Doctor Schugel.


	4. Miraculous

Only a few days managed to pass before Lieutenant Degurechaff was met with a terrible surprise, and all I could do was watch it all pan out.

When I walked into the lab one morning, Doctor Schugel had a very unusual expression in place. It was some sort of cross between bewilderment and excitement.

"Has something special happened, doctor…?" I asked cautiously.

He nodded his head. "I believe God came to me in a dream. I know my invention will work today. He told me how to make it _perfect_."

I wasn't sure what that process entailed, and I suppose I never will, because as I watched him tweak the Type 95, I saw nothing different than usual. Maybe the only difference was his faith in its success.

For just a moment, the red jewel seemed to glow a dazzling golden color. Then the strange aura faded away, and the doctor began to grin from ear to ear. If only I knew that I was witnessing the creation of a cursed artifact - something that Lieutenant Degurechaff would grow to rely on just as much as she despised it.

-XXX-

When we walked out onto the testing ground, Lieutenant Degurechaff was waiting for us as usual. My heart fluttered. I tried to do as she said to and accept the feeling, but it wasn't easy. It stirred up a sick whirlwind in my stomach.

 _...I like her. I really, really like her. And that's okay._

My head seemed to fill with radio static, but I could hear my words still trying to seep through. I fought against the urge to let the static cover up my true thoughts. I pulled them out of my subliminal mind and let them run free to cause whatever havoc they chose.

 _I have a crush on her._

"Good morning," she greeted, giving me a smile.

"Good morning!"

Lieutenant Degurechaff turned to the doctor. "Doctor Schugel, I must inform you that I'm being transferred to a new location."

He didn't seem too concerned. "So the project will be cancelled?"

"Likely."

"Well. This is the last day of testing that we'll need anyway."

She crossed her arms. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because last night, God came to me in a dream."

Her eyes widened. "What?!"

"He told me that today will be the day. And I _know_ it will."

She seemed to be hiding the majority of a grimace, but some of it seeped through. "I guess we'll just have to see."

"Yes! Now, Lillia. The Type 95."

I opened the box as usual.

"Today will be my last day," the lieutenant explained. "I'm leaving tomorrow."

Doctor Schugel didn't have anything to say to that. He seemed to not care too much, still basking in the pride of his own invention.

I sighed. "I'm sorry to see you go, lieutenant. I do hope you'll write from time to time."

She uncrossed her arms and unzipped her jacket for me to attach the computation jewel to her necklace. "I'll write if I have the time."

I knew this was my very last chance to be close to her. In that moment, I was struck with a deep sense of sadness. I knew it was just a simple crush, but… I had never felt this strongly about someone who wasn't my family before. Tanya Degurechaff felt special to me.

I took my time adjusting her necklace, then looked up at her face. She was watching me with a small grin. I happened to notice that the bandage on her head was crooked, so I fixed that for her too. "Be safe, lieutenant."

She gave me a slight nod.

As I stepped back, the research team quickly finished setting up their equipment before giving the "okay" to Lieutenant Degurechaff. She took off just fine, but then something began to go wrong. Up high in the sky, we could see her tiny figure begin to radiate a strong amount of magic energy.

Doctor Schugel's walkie-talkie buzzed to life. "Doctor! The jewel is going to explode! The safety mechanism isn't _working!_ "

My eyes widened in horror.

"That's because I disconnected it," he said casually.

That didn't seem right. I had watched him tweak it! If he'd cut off the safety, I definitely would've suggested otherwise. Something felt incredibly uncanny about the whole situation, and an icy feeling ran down my spine.

"Don't try to escape this, lieutenant! I know it'll work!" he exclaimed into the walkie-talkie.

"You _bastard!_ " she screamed, "You've strapped me to a _bomb!_ "

Doctor Schugel turned the walkie-talkie off and stuffed it in his coat pocket. "She'll be fine. I know it."

"Oh my God…you have to stop this!" I took a step toward him, ready to grab hold of him if I had to. He was about to let someone be killed by his own desperation for success.

"Even _I_ can't control it now, Lillia. Just have faith and wait."

I bit a hole through my lip as we stood in suspense. The radiative aura in the sky grew stronger and stronger, and alarm sounds began to ring across all of the researchers' equipment. All of a sudden, the light in the sky just _disappeared_ , and Lieutenant Degurechaff began to fall down toward the earth. Her parachute didn't open, but it didn't look like she was making any effort to open it.

I didn't realize the sound was coming from me until after I'd started screaming. "She's going to _die!_ Doctor, _please,_ do something!"

He shook his head, still gazing up with a complete sense of calmness on his face.

Then, just like that, her flight gear seemed to light back up and Lieutenant Degurechaff was propelled back up into the sky. She got ahold of herself and hovered for a moment, finally in complete control.

The researchers all threw up their clipboards and cheered in delight. I dropped the empty box and laughed out of pure relief. Before I knew it, I had even high-fived Doctor Schugel, even though I was still pretty angry with him. A punch to the stomach felt even more appropriate, but I needed the money he was paying me and didn't want to lose my internship.

As soon as the lieutenant touched down, I sprinted forward and threw my arms around her. She nearly yelped in surprise.

"Lieutenant! I-I was so sure for a moment that you were about to die!"

She took a deep breath of air. I didn't let go, and I could feel how fast her heart was beating. I noticed for a second that her eyes were glowing the same golden color as the Type 95 had when Doctor Schugel was working on it, but I passed it off as nothing unusual at the time. After all, if it acted as a harness of her magic power, that made sense… at least, it did to someone who knew nothing about magic.

"It's fine, Lillia. I'm alive…but I can't wait to transfer tomorrow. I never want to do this again." She stepped out of the hug.

"You don't have to leave!" The doctor walked over to us. "It works! Now we can use that prototype and create the best mages in the world!"

"Assuming it works on anyone else," the lieutenant muttered. "It's going to need plenty more development before it can be harnessed by anyone with a lower magic output."

He frowned. "No matter. It works, and there's no reason for you to tarnish that achievement of mine."

Lieutenant Degurechaff rolled her eyes and pulled the computation jewel off her necklace. She picked up my hand and turned it palm up before setting the jewel in it. "Goodbye, Lillia."

I bit my lip again and looked down at the ground. When I looked back up, she was already walking back toward the main building. I didn't take my eyes off of her as I watched her go, even when Doctor Schugel called my name for me to return to his side. I closed my fingers around the Type 95. It was still warm from the magic energy that had just been flowing through it.


	5. The Wrath of God

When Lieutenant Degurechaff left, the project was cancelled for further testing and Doctor Schugel lost his funding for it. He decided to continue working on a universal model in his free time, however, and the lieutenant got to take the original model to her next military location so that she could harness its power on the battlefield.

Unfortunately for me, lack of funding meant I couldn't be paid anymore, and I was immediately put out of a job. They shipped me back to my family in a rural farm town in the deep south of the Empire. The only souvenirs I had to bring home were my lab coat, the money I'd made, and the memories I had salvaged.

"Did you meet any amazing people?" my little brother asked, excitement filling his eyes.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Absolutely. Let me tell you about this friend I made…"

And all was okay for a while. We had a few months' worth of my paychecks to support the times that our harvest came short, and the war wasn't too close to our home. The only thing...was that Lieutenant Degurechaff never seemed to write me. I had run out into the chilly morning air to hand her my information before she boarded the small passenger plane to her next destination, but maybe she lost it in the commotion. Maybe it blew away through that breezy air, or it slipped from her pocket once she was back on solid ground. Either way, it made my heart sink to imagine that I had lost contact with Tanya Degurechaff forever.

"Hey, Lillia!"

I looked up one day to see my father holding a small white envelope. I jumped up from the bench in front of our cottage and tucked my book under one arm.

"This is from some...Second Lieutenant Tanya Degurechaff. Is that the one you met at the lab?"

"Yeah!" I took it in my hands and held it tight to my chest. "Thank you, sir!"

He didn't even get a chance to respond before I sprinted inside to find a letter opener. I took my time tearing it, trying to do the job as neatly as possible. I knew I would be preserving this letter for quite some time.

I sat down and unfolded the parchment inside. She had beautiful cursive handwriting. I somehow knew this would be the case - after all, the letters were crafted by her beautiful, nimble fingers.

...

 _Dear Lillia,_

 _I apologize for not writing sooner. I've been stationed in the Rhine Theatre, and our routine doesn't often account for freetime. In the evenings I do write letters, but they're usually mandatory apologies to families on behalf of lost soldiers. I'm always being pushed to be the one who writes the letters, and it certainly isn't pleasant, but it's an important and humbling part of being a soldier._

 _Do take care of yourself. If you still preside over the lab with Doctor Schugel, I hope he isn't running you ragged. Overwork is a sign of a failed business model. It shows wrongdoing on Doctor Schugel's part, not your own, so don't allow him to bully you._

 _Don't worry about me in the Rhine, by the way. With the Type 95, I've been doing just fine. I already have over 50 confirmed kills, which means I'm going to be rewarded with some eventual vacation time. I'll let you know when that will be once I receive further information, but I'm sure it will be a while away. I don't know how long I'll be stationed here, after all._

 _I've also met a woman who seems to sympathize with me, for whatever reason. I suppose she's my closest acquaintance over here, so I'm considering promoting her so that she gets out of the Rhine Theatre at the same time as me. It wouldn't be a bad idea, from the leadership position that I'm in, to show some care for the corporals. Her name is Viktoriya._

 _Anyway, do write me back. I'd like to know how you are, and that Doctor Schugel hasn't killed you in any sort of experimental disaster. I know little about science. It's never been a strong suit of mine._

 _One last thing...if this letter takes a while to reach you, it may have been delivered to the wrong location and then rerouted. I'm sending it to your room on the research site, with instructions to reroute it to the home address you gave me if you no longer reside there._

 _Best of Luck,_

 _Second Lieutenant Tanya Degurechaff_

...

I sat back in my chair as I carefully turned every paragraph over in my head. I was relieved that she had found a way to reach me, but one thought in particular kept circling back around to the front and center of my mind.

 _Who was this Viktoriya girl?_

I wasn't sure what to reply with just yet. I wanted to make my letter perfect, so I waited a few days to think out everything I wanted to say to her. I also hoped my obvious jealousy would die down, since she could always see right through me. On the other hand, I worried about not sending my letter fast enough. It was the Rhine after all, and I heard that was the most treacherous front of the war. What if something terrible happened to her, and I never got to say any last words? It made me wish so badly that I'd been born a mage, so that I could go and keep an eye on her. I didn't know if I would really have the guts to be a good soldier…but at least I'd know for sure if she was okay or not.

Two days after I received the letter, my father came home with some terrible news for my family.

"We're broke…" he sighed.

"What do you mean?!" My mother slapped her hands against the surface of the kitchen table and stood to her feet.

"Don't you hear the birds? They're singing their storm song." My father shook his head. "The wind is picking up like wildfire. The crops will be destroyed."

"Don't scare us with nothing but an assumption!" My mother made a dash for the door, and we all followed.

Sure enough, the sky was dark with storm clouds. There were flocks of birds, lined up in uncanny rows on the ground, singing a peculiar, dissonant song. It sent ice down my spine. Clouds swirled above us and a huge gust of wind flew past, shaking the trees in the distance.

"Are you sure it'll be such a terrible storm?" my brother asked, grabbing onto our father's shirt.

Father nodded. "A display of Mother Nature's wrath. The birds don't act this strange over a regular downpour of rain."

There was no way to tell if anyone was evacuating, because everyone in this rural farm town lived at least a mile apart.

We rushed back inside as the first bolt of lightning struck. This type of weather was so incredibly unheard of in the mild, landlocked Empire, that I became convinced it was a direct act of God. Why he would do such a thing is still a mystery to me.

Everything started to happen extremely fast. We sprinted to me and my brother's bedroom, because it was the only room with no windows. The gale winds became so strong, just in the time that we were all running to the room, that something flew through one of the kitchen windows as we ran by. A piece of wood? A rock? It didn't really matter. I noticed something sitting on the kitchen table as I watched the glass fly: a small sheet of paper of some sort.

It left my mind as we all crouched down to the floor in the bedroom. I remember the wind being so loud that it sounded as if freight trains were flying straight past our house. The wooden paneling of the house's exterior was creaking and groaning, and the walls and ceiling shook ferociously. It wasn't long until we could hear parts of the roof giving out in a series of huge, bellowing groans. I was too worried about the concept of our house being blown away to pay any mind to the strange sizzling noise that the air seemed to be making. The air felt warmer than before, then hot - and I could feel static electricity branching across my skin, making every hair of my body stand on end.

I can only compare it all to the way that an orchestra conductor raises his baton, calling every musician to raise their instrument. The way that a hundred different instruments prepare for one large musical flourish - that's what it felt like as all of this fell into place, the only difference being that the final product wouldn't be music. It would be something horrible.

The conductor's baton being raised - that was the _click click click_ of the air, like the sound of a gas stove being lit, or the sparks of a short-circuiting electrical socket. I could feel the electricity in the air grow more powerful with every little click, and I began to get an idea of what was happening-

With a deafening _CRACK_ , everything turned white. Both my vision and my hearing gave out.

When I came back to my senses, I looked up and saw the blue sky. So the roof _had_ come down. I sat up and scrambled to my feet, only to stumble back to the floor in a daze. My sense of balance was terrible and the world seemed to spin. I was trying to see through purple blotches that spread across my vision like thick ink, and the only thing I could hear was a monstrous ringing that drowned out any other sound in the world. I felt my head, and when I pulled my hand away, my fingertips were red with half-dried blood. Despite everything, I was still determined to make out signs of my family. Pieces of the walls, as well as remnants of the ceiling, seemed to be smoking. The wood framing of the house was charred black.

Finally, I saw one hand - a small one - reaching out from under the bed, which was covered in parts of the roof. The legs had given out and collapsed, and the frame was flush with the ground. My brother's arm was a pale blue color, pinched down from just below the elbow. I could see the outline of each individual artery as the weight of the bed strained his arm, and I was pretty sure I'd never seen anything more gruesome. I immediately keeled over and vomited.

I never found the bodies of my parents - I just needed to get out of there as soon as possible. I ran out into what used to be my kitchen, and in all of the rubble, one thing scared me nearly to death. The circular kitchen table stood tall and uninterrupted: a perfect image of my old life, surrounded by the rubble of it. I could finally see what was written on that piece of paper from earlier. I took a few steps forward. My body was so stiff that I felt like I could drop dead right on the spot, but I grabbed the paper in my pale fingers nonetheless...and read it over a few hundred times.

 _"DEUS LO VULT."_


	6. Opportunity Cost

I met up with Tanya Degurechaff again one day.

It was two years after I became an orphan that I found myself in the Military Academy of Berun, pacing through the library. It was within my first week of being here that - by some amazing chance - I saw her. There was no one else it could be - a small, skinny girl with blond hair dropping down from her peaked cap. I thought for a second that I was hallucinating, because this was just too good to be true. She was reaching up for a book, stretching out her whole body in an attempt to reach something on one of the higher shelves. I scurried over to help, seeing my chance to make an entrance.

I reached up next to her, being a little taller, and managed to snag the book off the shelf by the tips of my fingers. "The Decisions of Admiral Redwood at the Battle of York," I read, then chuckled a little. "This would go straight over my head."

Her eyes widened as soon as she turned toward my voice. "...Are you...Lillia?"

"Yes!" I grabbed her in a bear hug, but pulled away as soon as I realized that might be a little weird. She looked a bit embarrassed, and I immediately began to worry that I could be tampering with her public figure as a soldier. "S-sorry."

She shook her head. "It's fine. But, why are you here? Did you join the military?!"

"Not as a soldier!" I stammered to defend myself. "I joined as a medic. I had to go through the basic physical bootcamp stuff, but now I'm here to learn about war medicine. I won't be doing any fighting."

"Well." She seemed unsure what to say. "You didn't listen to me. I told you multiple times not to ever become a soldier. You're asking the world for death."

I shook my head. "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you, but I have no other path anymore. My home was destroyed and my family was killed...all by a lightning storm. Our farm was desecrated - there was nothing left. I needed pay and a roof over my head. This was the only way to _survive_."

She was silent.

"Lieutenant-"

"I suppose...that story doesn't sound unlike my own." She didn't look directly at me. Her eyes seemed to be looking over my shoulder, at some nonexistent object in the background. "Why don't I treat you to some lunch? We can catch up on things."

The Elinium Type 95 glinted on her necklace. I smiled a bit, though my voice came out very quiet. "Thank you so much."

-XXX-

We sat down for coffee at a restaurant on the campus, and it reminded me so much about that time I spoke to her at the cafe so long ago. It felt incredibly distant, it was like a fairy tale.

Tanya Degurechaff told me everything. How her father had likely been killed in battle and her mother abandoned her at a rundown nunnery. She was a foundling, and we were both orphans.

"I'm...so sorry," I mumbled, staring down into my coffee cup.

She sighed. "Nothing to be done about it. I never thought I'd meet someone who had a similar story."

I looked up a bit, staring at her hands, which were folded over the table. Her tone of voice was solemn, but her body language was proper and relaxed. It seemed as though she'd either come to terms with these facts a long time ago, or they didn't affect her as much as one would suspect them to.

"I suppose we both have the military as our only path. But I'm so sorry you were set to be automatically drafted as a mage."

"It was best that way. It set my motivation for a career path." She tilted her head at me slightly. "Is there anywhere specific that you hope to get deployed?"

I nodded. "I hope this doesn't come off as weird, but...anywhere that you go, I hope to go too."

She was silent, so I slowly peered up at her face, nervous.

The lieutenant chuckled. "Is this because I'm the only person you know, or do you perhaps…" she leaned in a bit and whispered the words, "...still have that crush?"

My cheeks flushed dark red. "...I won't lie. It's a mixture of both."

She didn't lean away, her voice maintaining its whisper. "What do you expect that crush to become, Lillia? You know that we can't be together, right?"

I was so embarrassed, I couldn't bring myself to look her in the eyes. They were as clear and bright a blue as I remembered, and they would only further fluster me.

I decided to just speak what was on my mind. I had to. "I understand...you probably don't return my feelings. But...if you did...I believe it wouldn't cause any problems. I mean, I know I could conceal it from the public just fine. It's just so unheard of - a girl and a girl together - that even if I was to blush from time to time, it would probably just be mistaken for my timidness. And...I could learn to hide it better, if...things were to ever become reality."

The lieutenant leaned back in her seat, and when I finally looked back up, she had a smug smirk on her face.

"W-what?"

"It's cute."

"Huh?"

"It's cute, that's all."

We left the restaurant, and the lieutenant led me back to the residential building with word that she needed to talk to me more privately. I chewed on my bottom lip the whole walk there. She still had that smirk on her face, as if it had been painted on permanently.

As we entered the hallway that led to her room, I felt her left hand come to rest on my shoulder. I glanced over at her smug expression, and she glanced back, but I looked away immediately and continued to bite my lip.

She shut the door and locked it. This time, just for safety, I watched her shake the doorknob to make sure it couldn't be opened. Was that to keep other people from coming in, or me from leaving…?

"Just a precautionary measure," she explained. "It'd be a shame if someone was to walk in."

I swallowed my spit. "W-why? What are you planning?"

The lieutenant said nothing in reply. Instead, she sat down on her bed and patted the seat next to her for me to come. I approached slowly and took the seat. We were shoulder-to-shoulder now, and when she turned her body to look at me, my heart began to pound through my ears.

I didn't know what to say. It took a long moment of this strangely intimate silence for me to form a good question.

"What do you think of me, Lieutenant Degurechaff?"

She lifted her hand and grazed my cheek with the tips of her fingers. "I'm not sure."

I sucked in a breath. That answer surprised me. It really did. I had no true expectations for this situation, only irrational hopes...and...something snapped. I had lost so much already, and I didn't want anything else to be ruined forever. But still...I couldn't fight the urge to do something a little bit crazy.

I pulled her hand down from my face and intertwined my fingers with hers. She didn't resist it, just sort of let it happen. So, I went ahead and took the next risk. Without any warning - my heart now rocking a hurricane through my chest - I just went for it. I leaned forward until my lips touched hers.

At first, she didn't kiss back. I began to panic and pulled away, but she grabbed my shoulder and pulled me forward again, connecting our lips for the second time.

I wasn't sure what to do. She was still holding my left hand, and she tilted her head slightly as she leaned into the kiss, so I did the same. It was almost like a scene out of a romance film, the way Lieutenant Degurechaff immediately took control of the situation, as if she already knew how it was done. Except, instead of a grandiose city backdrop behind us, or some sort of cinematic music playing, we were just two kids in a dorm room, hidden away behind a locked door. There was something unmistakably _raw_ and _real_ about it that filled me with both adrenaline and joy.

When we pulled out of the kiss, I had no idea what my face looked like. Was my expression of shock? Bewilderment? Excitement? I couldn't even tell if I was smiling. My mind couldn't seem to focus on any one thing. I was completely dazed.

"Happy?" she asked, licking my chapstick off her lips.

My answer was self-evident. "A-are you?"

"...Hard to say. But…" She picked up her hat, which must've fallen off her head at some point, and set it farther aside. "...I don't think I minded that."

I still held her hand tightly in mine, and I glanced down at the grip we had on each other.

The lieutenant shook her head slightly, and I noticed the faint trace of a blush across her face. "Don't get any ideas, now. I still don't see how we can be together when I need to prioritize my career."

"Oh, I-I would never get in your way! I promise that." I brought her hand up to my chest. "Lieuten- Tanya. I would make it my mission to always put your life above mine. If this ever posed a threat to your career, I would step aside."

She pulled her hand back. "I'm not going to promise you anything, Lillia. Allow me to make decisions based on what best fits the circumstance. Right now, I am unsure what to do, so I'm not going to declare anything. Do you understand that?"

I nodded.

Tanya sighed. "Perhaps I would be quicker to agreeing to such a situation if you had not joined the military. It's just so possible for you to die...it doesn't make a commitment to you very worthwhile."

"Then don't think of me as a commitment." I adjusted the tie under my doctor's coat. "I'm just...here, that's all. So you can do everything you need to do. Be a soldier. Get promoted. Heck, rule the Empire someday. When you want to, we can always get coffee, and talk, and be whatever. We can...always...kiss again, too. Stuff like that."

She thought about it. "Yes...that may be an alright setup for now."

A small silence fell. It wasn't too uncomfortable. I was just nervous about the future. I hoped I could have nights like this with her forever.

And things certainly felt different after that.


	7. Lascivious

_A/N: Before the chapter, I'd just like to add this disclaimer for clarification. Although Tanya was canonically about eleven years old during her time at the academy, I've arranged through the time skips that she and Lillia are both in the 13-15 range._

* * *

We began to fall into a routine, where I would finish my classes for the day and head off to the restaurant. But because Tanya's classes ended a bit after mine, there was never any complete assurance that she'd be able to make it. Some days, I would wait for hours with a cold cup of coffee, to be met with no one. Other days, she'd walk in before I even got my order.

This particular day was a questionable one. Tanya had warned me prior that she was going to speak to a teacher after class and didn't know how long it would take. She'd even suggested I not bother coming today, but I told her I enjoyed spending time at the restaurant. That it was relaxing.

It was, to some extent, but that was mostly a lie. There was a certain adrenaline to waiting for her. It made my whole day when I saw her peaked cap approach from behind the rows of booths. On days when she didn't show up, it would cast a certain aura of depression over the restaurant as the dying sun casted an orange glow on her empty seat. It was especially sad when an employee would approach to tell me it was closing time.

Either way, here I sat, hoping for a miracle. It's true that my mental fixation on Tanya was beginning to get out of hand. After all, if I didn't have her to look forward to after class, I wouldn't have anything to look forward to at all.

I was beginning to give up, watching the sun dip behind cloud after cloud. I rested my head in the palm of my hand and let out a sigh.

My coffee had long gone cold. Eventually, I considered calling it quits.

From the corner of my eye, I could see the waiter who always gave me the bad news approaching slowly.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "It's just about time we closed up for today."

I nodded and was about to hand him my stale coffee when I heard the door swing open. We both turned toward the sound.

There she was, rather out of breath, and failing to hide it. She was fixing her crooked peaked cap and pushing her rifle higher up on her shoulder.

I smiled like an idiot and waved.

"Sorry about the delay," Tanya said, walking over to the table. She saw the waiter.

He turned toward a woman who was peering over from behind the counter. "Hey, can we stay open for ten more minutes?"

"Why?" the woman called back.

"Well," he motioned to Tanya. "The friend just got here."

I laughed quietly. Tanya looked like she wanted to roll her eyes, but it was impossible for her to look annoyed - at least, in my eyes - while she was draped in the warm glow of the sunset through the windows.

"Nah," the woman behind the counter shook her head. "You all are welcome to come back tomorrow, though. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."

Tanya shrugged her shoulders. "Let's walk back to the residential buildings together."

I nodded in agreement. "Sounds good." Then I turned to the waiter. "Thank you for today."

He gave me a smile and a wave, and then we were off. Tanya led the way and I followed like a blissful fool.

Berun was a beautiful place at sunset. I caught up quickly and walked shoulder-to-shoulder with her. Even though the air was chilly and the sunset was beginning to fade, she seemed to be smiling slightly.

"I'm happy that you made it."

"I knew you would be."

I took that to be the reason she'd ran all the way to the restaurant, and I blushed terribly.

Tanya chuckled and pulled her rifle a bit higher on her shoulder. "Let's hurry back, before it gets too late."

-XXX-

As we walked through the residential building, we passed dorm after dorm. Tanya's was closer to the entrance, while mine was on the second floor.

She unlocked the door. "Come in for a few minutes, okay?"

My heart immediately began to race. "Sure!"

When we got inside, the first thing Tanya did was set her hat on the dresser and lean her rifle down against the wall. I sat down on her bed and she sat next to me.

The room felt pleasantly warm. We were so close to each other.

I was feeling ambitious after seeing how much effort she'd put forth just to keep me from being disappointed. I put a hand on her shoulder, and when she turned to look at me, I kissed her.

Tanya seemed a bit surprised by that, but kissed me back for a second before pulling away. "Coming out of your shell a bit, hm?"

"Maybe a little."

She chuckled and - something happened. I felt as if I was out of my body for that next moment, looking down at the scene.

Tanya wrapped her arms around me and pulled me down on the bed with her. We were lying on our sides now, face to face. She pulled her ponytail out and let her beautiful light hair splay out over the mattress.

I touched a strand of it in wonder. "You're beautiful."

Her humorous grin turned into a straight line across her face. "'Beautiful' isn't what I strive to be."

"Really? You don't want to be beautiful?"

"It doesn't hugely matter to me. I want to be respectable, authoritative. Powerful."

I nodded slightly. "Well, you certainly have power over me, so _something_ must be working."

A scoff. "You're melodramatic."

"Yeah, I guess so." I snuggled up to her until my head was against her chest and I could feel the warmth of her body. "But…I mean, I feel a lot of emotions, I guess...so it makes sense that I'm melodramatic." What kind of response was that? I mentally kicked myself.

A few of her fingers ran over my hair, but she didn't say anything in response. We grew quiet, and as a few minutes passed, I became aware of the sound of her heartbeat. I didn't think I could ever be more at peace - she made me feel safe and sound.

We were both silent for a brief moment.

"...Tanya, are you in a high-ranking position?"

"I suppose. I'm a first lieutenant. Most of my merit comes from my Silver Wings Assault Badge."

"When you get deployed again, could you ask that I come with you?"

"Maybe."

I waited for her to elaborate.

"Depends where it is. The rear echelons? Of course I'll ask. But if it's the Rhine Theatre again...no."

"I'm not a combat soldier, so I'd be fine."

"Personnel who don't move become prey to artillery shells. Do you understand?"

I took a deep breath. "Would you replace me if I died?"

"Who would I replace you with?"

"..."

"Lillia."

"I'm not sure. Maybe Viktoriya. I've met her before and she's beautiful."

"She's nineteen. That wouldn't be appropriate anyway."

"Well, _we're_ both _girls,_ so anything is possible, right?"

Tanya chuckled. "Naivety."

I fingered one of the buttons on her uniform.

"Don't be jealous of her, Lillia. Viktoriya isn't quite the same as us in that way. Not from what I can tell."

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't worry." She tilted my head up to look at her. This action made me feel strangely small, as if I were under her control.

She kissed me to fill the silence, and I melted like putty through her fingers.

-XXX-

I woke up the next morning to a calm sunrise pouring through the window - which was strange, since my window faced the west.

There was an alarm going off, but it didn't sound like mine. I immediately felt disoriented. What was going on…?

Little by little, I tried to take in my surroundings.

 _Think, Lillia. What's around you? What are you touching?_

Something was against my back, and I was on my side. Something heavier than a blanket was also draped over my waist.

As soon as I saw the rifle leaning against the far wall, I understood everything at once. Tanya was still holding me, a full night's sleep later. The very fact made my heart race.

She stirred and sat up to turn off the rattling alarm clock, seemingly not phased in the slightest that I was there. "Well, how did you end up facing _that_ direction?"

I rolled onto my back to look at her. "...I'm kind of a wild sleeper. I didn't wake you up?"

"No. You fell asleep before me, though. I managed to set the alarm and then sleep too."

I blinked the dreariness out of my eyes. "You could've kicked me out to get a proper rest."

"No need to." Tanya swung her legs over the side of the bed and jumped off before rummaging through the dresser. I noticed she'd thrown her jacket down during the night, and she collected it from the foot of the bed. "I'm going to change, though. So if that makes you uncomfortable…"

My face went red. I couldn't decide how to answer. Tanya seemed to take that for compliance, so she unbuckled her belt and dropped her pants to the floor.

My eyes immediately fell to my shoes. Shoot, I didn't mean to see that. "Sorry. It's my fault you had to sleep in half of your uniform."

She was silent for a brief moment. "I don't care too much."

There was some shuffling. "Okay, my pants are back on."

I looked up. She didn't seem to be wearing anything different than before - the black uniform pants and belt. She was still wearing just an undershirt though. As soon as Tanya began to pull that up over her body, I looked down again.

"Are you embarrassed?"

"Well, it wouldn't be right to just watch you change."

"Why?"

I couldn't believe she was asking me that. "Um...I mean...it's just not polite."

"Lillia, we've slept in the same bed together. Kissed, even. What difference is it to see my body?"

"..." I wasn't sure, to be honest. "It feels like a step above sleeping together."

She found something amusing about that, but I didn't understand at the time.

"I don't really care, I guess. If you _want_ me to see you…"

She walked over to me. I could hear the padding of her socks against the wood floor until I saw her feet directly in front of mine. Then two of her fingers were under my chin, lifting it so that we would lock eyes. As my vision panned upward, I saw her bare torso, save for the bra she was wearing, and my stomach seemed to leap.

Tanya had a sort of devilish smirk on her face, and my stomach all of a sudden dropped from wherever it had leapt to. It was the first time of many that I'd see that expression, and in this moment I had no idea what to make of it.

"Better," she said.

I was still sitting on the bed, so she had to lean down to lock her lips with mine. All of a sudden I felt small again, like a tiny bug quivering before a human. She was so much grander, greater, and stronger than me in that moment. I didn't really mind it, though. I liked the idea of my life - my fate - resting entirely in her hands. It made my heart race to be at her mercy.

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but my heart clogged up my throat and all I could do was swallow my spit. She snickered and I blushed until my whole face had gone red.


	8. Graceless

I quickly realized that it was a Saturday, which meant Tanya still had training while I was off from school. Things were quiet in the solitude of my own dorm, and I found myself alone with way too many thoughts. They came to me like flies to a corpse. I thought I'd suffocate if they didn't slow their pace.

 _What does Tanya see me as?_

 _What's going to happen to me?_

 _Am I making some sort of mistake?_

I focused on the entomology posters on my wall to try and filter some of it out, but it all just kept coming.

 _Should I have let her show me this...side to myself?_

 _What was I feeling this morning when we were together?_

The feeling in question...it was something different than I'd ever felt before. Sort of an intense, visceral feeling - something heavier and more primitive than the way she normally made me feel.

I was a biology person, so I should've understood this already. I wracked my brain for something, _anything_ that could explain it.

There _were_ some biological topics that my parents hadn't allowed me to learn when I was young. There were books I'd tried to pull off shelves and bring home that my mother had shaken her head at and kept away from me. But what had been in them?

 _What could possibly be so taboo?_

I doubted Tanya would know, but I began mentally preparing myself to ask her. She _did_ help me understand something else that was incredibly taboo (the whole "girls liking girls" thing), so maybe she knew about this strange phenomenon as well.

The next question:

 _Did I_ _ **like**_ _the feeling?_

Yes, despite how vile and shameful it felt in hindsight. I'd like to experience that dark sensation again. It was sort of like the evil twin to love and infatuation. Something told me they were two sides of the same wretched, confusing coin.

-XXX-

I was studying a medical journal when a knock came to the door.

"It's me."

Hearing her voice, I immediately sprung up to open it.

There she was - a few strands of hair falling from her messy ponytail. Tanya's cheeks were flushed, and I could tell she'd just been out flying with the other mages. Her hat was tucked under one arm and she held her rifle strap in place with the other.

"Good training session?" I asked quietly.

"It was fine, I guess. Those damn corporals can't seem to just - well, it doesn't matter." She waved it off and set down her rifle as I shut the door. "Allow me to take you somewhere new for dinner. Our regular restaurant is getting old."

My face lit up. "Is there somewhere else we could go?"

"It's a bit of a walk, but I've seen a more high-end place. I'll pay."

I shook my head. "You don't-"

She looked at me seriously. "How much money do you have?"

"Well…"

"How much are you paying for tuition here?"

The truth is, I was in a pretty severe amount of debt. I generally scraped by with just enough to pay for food, and spent whatever was left on laundry and small necessities.

I glanced down at my feet. "...I can pay you back later. I take care of mice in the lab here as a part-time job, and it's only two more days until I get my paycheck."

Tanya rolled her eyes. "I have a full scholarship with a larger grant per semester than I could ever need. From now on, I pay for dinner."

"...Well, I'll repay you in the future. You can count on me."

"It's not that big of a deal."

I decided not to argue with her anymore. It was about time I mentioned what had been on my mind. "Hey...I have a weird question for you before we go."

"Okay." She sat down on my bed and my heart immediately began to pound. It could have been my imagination, but I thought I saw that same devilish smirk from this morning flash across her face.

I stared at a poster, avoiding her gaze. "I...was wondering how you feel when we're together? L-like, how it made you feel when I was looking at you this morning...without your shirt on…?" God, how embarrassing. Did I _really_ just say that?

"What do you mean?" Now I could _definitely_ see her grinning out of my peripheral vision. "How did _you_ feel?"

"...A different thing than you usually make me feel. Something more…" -I cringed a little at my own word choice- "intense. I mean, well, you always give me this sort of 'crush' feeling, i-if that makes sense, but this was different than that."

I expected some long silence or bewildered response, but that's not what I got.

"Don't you like biology? Shouldn't you know this?"

I turned to her, completely flustered now. But at least my suspicions had been somewhat validated. "I-I knew it! This _is_ that dark side of biology! The part I was never allowed to learn about!"

Tanya chuckled. "Well, don't look so embarrassed. I expected you to get that feeling. It's not as big of a deal as you think it is."

I settled back into my quiet state from before. "...But what does it _mean?_ "

There was a mischievous gleam to her eyes. "It means I turn you on."

I cocked my head to the side. "...What?"

"Well," She crossed her legs, probably deciding where to start this explanation. "You understand reproduction, right?"

I nodded slightly. "...In most fish and invertebrates."

"Well, then you know it's the process of a living creature creating offspring. Humans are subject to the same processes, and, in a lot of ways, the same natural instincts to reproduce with those that we're attracted to." She avoided my eyes as she spoke. The whole conversation was unquestionably awkward now. "And we're attracted to each other, of course. So those reproductive instincts influence us."

I squinted in confusion. "But we can't reproduce if we're both female."

Tanya shrugged. "The circle of life doesn't accommodate for outliers like you and me. We get the same instinctual urges, even if we're attracted to the same gender."

"So...what would happen if we tried to reproduce?" I winced. "Sorry, that was weird. I shouldn't ask that."

Tanya smirked a bit. "The same gratification, but no offspring. It's a golden situation, if you ask me."

"Gratification?"

She shook her head slightly. "I'll show you some other time."

I was so curious to know, I just wanted to push her to explain. But I knew better than that.

"...Okay. One last question then."

She crossed her legs. "Go ahead."

"...Do…um...do _I_ turn _you_ on?"

Tanya turned away from me, but I could still see her smirk widen until some of her teeth were showing. Was she trying not to laugh? Did she think it was that ridiculous?

"Let's discuss all of this some other time, okay?" She paused for a second. "Why don't we go to dinner now?"

My chest filled with disappointment, but I nodded anyway. "...Do I have to dress up for the fancy restaurant?"

She thought about it. "Do you have anything formal?"

Formal equaled expensive in my mind, so that was a no. I shook my head.

"Alright. Then come with me."

We walked all the way upstairs to her dorm. Tanya opened up her closet and rifled through for a moment before deciding on something and pulling it out.

I could practically feel my pupils shrink. "Th-that's a uniform."

"It's my old one." The one she wore now was black with red trim. This one had the same red, but the body color was forest green. "Before I was a lieutenant, I had this one. It's the standard corporal's getup. No one will question it since we'll be coming from the academy anyway."

I smiled. Admittedly, it would be fun to play soldier for a little while. I imagined Tanya being my superior - pushing me around, yelling at me to stay quiet, and the like. It was a frightening and...oddly enticing concept.

"I'll try not to misbehave, Lieutenant Degurechaff."

She snickered, even though I didn't think it was that funny. Again, Tanya seemed to see something in my choice of words that I couldn't.

"Sometimes I don't think you realize just what you're saying."

"Huh?"

She shook her head and gave me no response, so I had no choice but to brush it off.

I pulled off my necktie and exchanged my doctor's coat for the military jacket, then slid on the green pants. When I looked in the mirror, I almost didn't recognize myself. I looked - and felt - like a true empirical mage.

Tanya smirked. "You're the last person I could imagine wearing those clothes. It's almost cute."

I giggled and gave her a playful salute. She quickly angled my hand better and straightened out my fingers. "There. _Now_ it's believable. Let's go."


	9. Kinetic

When we left for the restaurant, the sun was beginning to tip down toward the horizon. Tanya had told me to walk to the left of her since she was a senior officer, and I smiled the whole way, a little giddy about the whole situation. I felt important - more _like_ her. This was _her_ world, and I'd been allowed into it.

I glanced over at the way she always carried her gun over her shoulder. "Why do you bring your rifle everywhere? Is it a rule?"

Tanya shook her head. "No. But this equipment allows me to carry out my purpose at any time."

"Are you worried that something could happen?"

"Just prepared."

"...For what? The Republican forces aren't anywhere near Berun."

She shook her head again. "It's not about the Republicans. It's just a constant safety precaution. If something ever appears that needs to be taken care of...I'll take my shot. That's all."

I was silent.

"I've tried to explain it to people before. They all just tell me that 'people are different after returning from the Rhine.'" She shook her head slightly. "But they don't understand."

I could tell I'd struck a chord with her, so I looked down and dropped it. Maybe this person I'd idolized as infinitely strong and perfect...had insecurities too. I hoped one day she'd be able to talk about them freely with me. And I wondered what it was that she was afraid of.

We walked to the sound of Berun's city life for a while, when I suddenly heard a voice from behind.

"Oh! Lieutenant!"

Tanya turned, and a tall, beautiful woman fell into step with us. It took one glance at her face to realize who she was.

"Hello! It's a pleasant surprise running into you," the woman said with a smile.

"We're on our way to dinner," Tanya explained, motioning to me. "Viktoriya, this is Lillia."

Viktoriya smiled. "Oh! I've heard lots about you!"

My eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yes! The Lieutenant-"

Tanya cleared her throat, and she immediately went silent.

I tried incredibly hard to suppress my blush, but it burned through to the surface of my cheeks anyway.

Viktoriya didn't seem to notice. "Lillia, you're a soldier?! I had no idea! It's crazy I haven't seen you in training."

"Oh, I-I'm actually not," I laughed. "I needed some nicer clothes for the restaurant. I'm borrowing this uniform from Tanya."

"Oh! Well, it fits well!"

"Thank you." I gave her one of my amateur salutes.

She laughed and saluted me back.

"Stop it," Tanya grumbled. "We have to hold ourselves to a standard of maturity."

"Ah, sorry." Viktoriya quickly switched to Tanya's left flank. "There're a lot of rules to being a soldier," she explained to me in a whisper.

Viktoriya was standing in the middle of us now. I wasn't sure if I was petty enough to let that bother me.

"So how'd you two become friends, anyway?" she asked.

"Friends?" Tanya replied in a strangely condescending tone. "Don't be so immature. Lillia's just a convenience."

My eyes widened at that, but I didn't know what to say.

Viktoriya seemed surprised as well. "A convenience?"

Tanya looked straight ahead as she spoke. The inflection of her voice had changed drastically; she'd adopted a work persona that I'd never met before. "Of course. Lillia is the only person around who's the same age as me. We just empathize with each other." She paused briefly. "Anyway, did we stop you from going somewhere you need to be?"

"No, I was just taking a walk." All of a sudden, Viktoriya's eyes seemed to light up. "Oh, that reminds me! I wanted to tell you - Colonel Zettour mentioned something about planning to speak to you."

That seemed to get Tanya's attention. "Really?"

Viktoriya nodded. "Yes! I'm not sure about what, but he may be meeting with you in the near future. It seemed rather important."

"That's good to know. Thank you." She smirked a little.

"I should get going now, but I hope the meeting goes well!" Viktoriya stepped out of line with us. "See you on Monday, Lieutenant!" She gave one final parting salute.

Tanya gave her a nod of acknowledgement, and Viktoriya disappeared from sight.

After that exchange, she seemed giddy with excitement.

"Do you think you'll get relocated?" I asked.

She nodded her head. "It must be about what's next for my career, after graduation."

"Where do you want to go?"

"I'm not exactly sure, but not the front lines again."

"I hope it's somewhere safe. If something was to happen to you…" I shook my head.

Tanya turned to me. "What would you do?"

I looked down at my shoes, hesitating to answer. "...I don't know. I can't think of anything."

She sighed. "You shouldn't be so dependent on others, Lillia. It's not strategic planning, nor is it convenient." We walked in silence for another moment before she spoke again. "You know, If _you_ died, I would move on."

I looked back up, eyebrows furrowed. "You would…?"

"It would be the only option, after all."

I didn't know what to say.

Tanya hoisted her rifle up higher on her shoulder. "Lillia, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but think of it this way. Extensive emotional attachment to someone would get in the way of my career. The moment we're to bind ourselves together as anything more than we are now…" I peeked up to see her gazing at the sky. "...is the moment we sign a pact of mutually assured destruction."

I was too young for this not to cut deep into my heart. I felt like my left atrium was hanging down inside my chest by a thread.

"So...it's that simple?"

Tanya glanced over. "Lillia, you're too young to understand this, so I really shouldn't have bothered-"

"We're the same _age!_ " I stopped in my tracks, and she stopped too. The civilians of Berun shuffled past us as if we were roadblocks on the busy path. "Maybe I'm more naive than you, but...that doesn't mean you're right about _everything_."

"Don't argue with me while you're wearing that uniform." She narrowed her eyes. "We're in public, so I'd have to discipline you as a soldier."

"I don't _care_. Why did you start acting so cold all of a sudden?" I narrowed my eyes right back. "Why did you say all that stuff? 'Just a convenience'? 'If you died, I would move on'? You're _all I have_ , Tanya. And you're making me feel insignificant. It's like if I died right now, it would _affect_ nothing, and _change_ nothing." The volume of my voice rose as I spoke.

"Lillia! Shut up," she rasped, voice in a half-whisper.

"No! It's just so _mean!_ How could you-"

There was a harsh blow to my stomach, and before I knew it, I was lying on my back. Tanya rose over me, and I winced from a mixture of pain and regret. The sun was at her back, casting a harsh shadow across her face.

"Say that to me again, _corporal_ , and your face will be seeing the pavement."

All I could do was stare up at her in shock.

"Get up."

I felt the back of my head. Did it hit the pavement too? Had she kicked me - is that what happened?

"Come on, now." As I stood to my feet, I noticed her rifle was no longer slung over her shoulder. She was holding it in her right hand. "Let's go back." Tanya motioned with her head in the direction of the academy, and I nodded, wiping my face on my sleeve.

"...I'm sorry," I said in a very small voice.

She walked around so that she was on the right side of me again, and we began to go back toward the building in silence. I felt like I was taking a walk of shame. I hadn't meant to cause such a scene...but I had no idea Tanya was capable of something like that. Not to _me_ , at least. Even though it was over now, a twinge of fear swelled in my chest and stayed with me the whole way home.


	10. Zero Hour

_A/N: Well, it's finally time for me to raise the content rating to M. I suppose this goes without saying now, but if you're uncomfortable with some adult themes, this chapter (and the next) are probably not for you. I'll try to provide content warnings before chapters that need them if I can remember to, because I want to respect the comfort levels of the readers. Also, just a reminder that the characters are older at this point than they would be in canon, because of the time that passed when Lillia and Tanya were apart. Formalities aside, please enjoy the story!_

* * *

Tanya shut the door to her dorm once we'd stepped inside. I really wanted to go back to my own, but I had to give her uniform back, so I stayed.

"Sit," she said, pointing to the bed.

"I just want to go-"

"Please. I need to talk to you."

I eventually complied, and she sat down next to me. I said nothing.

Tanya looked down. "I'm sorry. There could have been a more serious problem if I hadn't done it, though. I have to hold up a very tight reputation, for the sake of the whole military."

"You... _kicked_ me." my voice cracked as I spoke.

She reached for my hand, but changed her mind halfway. "No, it was the butt of my rifle."

"You really hurt me. I can't believe you did that."

She bit her lip and looked away. There was some silence between us.

Tanya began to unbutton my jacket, and I decided not to stop her. She slipped it off of me slowly. I was kind of numb, so I didn't react when she unfastened the buttons of my white collared shirt, either. When they had all been undone, she pulled the two sides away in order to assess the damage.

From the middle of my stomach to the bottom of my sternum, the skin had begun to bruise. Tanya continued to chew on her lip.

"I should have thought of a better way." She felt the back of my head. It was a little sensitive - I think I'd bumped it on the ground, but no real damage. "I should have just yelled instead."

Oh, now she was regretting it. I had been upset and scared and angry, but now I was starting to feel bad too.

Something came to mind that I'd said a while ago. "Tanya...I told you that us being together could always come secondary to your career. I suppose I didn't respect that, so I'm sorry."

And now we were both apologetic, and my body ached, and Tanya was still uneasily chewing on her lip. We never even got to have dinner.

Tanya stood up. "Stay here for a minute, okay?" She rifled through some drawers until she came up with a clean nightgown and tossed it to me. Then she left the room. I heard her boots echo down the hall until the _clock, clock, clock_ gradually disappeared.

I stared down at the nightgown in my hands.

"No one who cares about me would do this to me…" I mumbled. But I didn't know if that was true for certain. Maybe Tanya Degurechaff had too many layers covering her true character. I'd have to peel her like an onion to find the truth, which meant not heading back to my room just yet. So I pulled off my remaining clothes and slipped into the white nightgown. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was suddenly reminded of that dream from years ago - the one about Tanya and I slowdancing in our nightgowns. As confused as I currently felt, I realized that I would still take that dance, if it was ever offered to me.

She came back with two trays of food and a first aid kit, the handle precariously weaved in between her fingers.

"Some things that we need. Sit back down, please."

I did as told and she set the trays down on the bed before unlatching the first aid kit. I stared at my reflection in her Type 95. "...Maybe I made too big a deal out of all of this…"

"It's illegal to harm civilians," Tanya mumbled. "I broke the law."

"I'm not a civilian anymore. I'm a military medic."

I wasn't actually sure if that was how it worked, but she didn't respond. Instead, Tanya just lifted a thin ice pack, which she must have stuffed in the kit prior to coming back, and set it to the back of my head. She then wrapped it in gauze so it would stay. "I need to get your chest, too."

"Okay." I was in night clothes now, which meant I wasn't wearing a bra...but that didn't stop me. I pulled my nightgown up over my head and set it down on the bed. Tanya seemed rather surprised that I had done this. "I'm not trying to 'turn you on' or anything - I just want the ice." My cheeks went a little red from embarrassment, but I tried to let it go. I wasn't feeling very stuttery and romantic, so I found myself looking at the situation differently than I normally would.

That made her smile slightly as she picked up another pack of ice. She reached around my torso and gauzed that up as well to hold it in place. "How's that?"

"Better." I quickly threw the nightgown back on. "...Thank you."

A moment of silence between us.

"Lillia, it wouldn't mean nothing if you died. You shouldn't allow yourself to believe that."

I continued to watch her computation jewel carefully. It glistened in the soft light.

"If you truly believe that your life will have no meaning, then it will have no meaning. But if you decide that it _will_ , you will find yourself fulfilling a purpose you didn't know you had in the first place."

"I just wish I wasn't so disposable to you."

"You're _not_ disposable."

When I looked up, Tanya had narrowed her eyes.

"You don't understand what I was saying, Lillia. I should have worded it better, but think of it like this. Well...your family died in a thunderstorm, yes?"

I nodded.

"You won't ever forget them. They meant something immense and significant to you. But you have to overcome their deaths eventually. You don't have to ignore the memories, but you can't stay hung up on them. You will have others as family and you will be okay. Understand?"

I nodded slightly.

"So if you die, yes. I'll move on from you. I'll get over it. But it would be losing something grandly pivotal in my life, and it would also be losing someone whose company I don't want to give up. You're very important to me, Lillia. I know the word choice was harsh at first, and it's not exactly that I'm trying to push you away, but I've begun to realize that if I let you get any closer...you'll end up more important than my career. And the longer this goes on, the less I believe that I will pick my career over you, even though I know that's what I need to do."

I looked up at her beautiful eyes. They shined an iridescent blue in the light of the moon through the window. "...Do you love me?"

"...I'm not sure I could say I ever truly loved anyone."

Somehow, I didn't blame her for that. Tanya Degurechaff was a phenomenon, after all, so there was no way to understand the way her mind - or her heart - worked.

She got up. "Hold on. I'm going to change, and then I want to tell you a story."

I waited, and she eventually sat down beside me in a matching nightgown, leaning her back against the wall. I leaned into her shoulder a little.

"There's a place called Japan."

"Do you mean-"

"No. I know they sound similar, but this place is a bit different. You wouldn't see it on any maps."

I listened. Clearly, it was a fictional story.

"There's a term there, for men in suits who spend their lives climbing toward the top of the corporate ladder. It's a word for people who prioritize their ambitions over all other values. It's called a salaryman."

I nodded slightly. "Okay."

"And one salaryman did just this. He rode the corporate system and made every move strategically. He had no need for family, virtue, or even religion, because he had no hardship too strong to overcome on his own."

Tanya looked around the room. Her eyes settled on a nutcracker that sat on the windowsill. "The supernatural didn't appreciate his lack of faith, but there was nothing they could do as he kept on living. However, there was eventually a terrible situation - a man who he'd fired seeking revenge - and this salaryman found himself tumbling off a platform, into the path of a train."

I held my breath in suspense.

"The supernatural took their opportunity as soon as they saw it. A being who called himself God told the salaryman that if he needed to experience hardship to learn faith, then so be it. He would put the salaryman in dire straits. And so, the salaryman was reborn into a new body, in a new time and world. And he had to learn to beat this game set up by the mysterious being, because the being told him: 'if you don't die of natural causes, this will be your last life.' And then he was left to fend for himself."

"In the dire straits," I added.

"Yes. But to make matters worse, this was a world plagued by war instead of peace. A world ruled by magic instead of the business and technology that he was once a part of."

"So did he die? Did he learn to have faith? What happened?"

"None of the above. He worked and fought and rebelled, because he would never accept the existence of God. He _knew_ that entity was not God - just a 'Being X' - because God would never do any of that in the first place. The salaryman believed that humans only created God to get through hard times. He said that God was an illusion. And insubordination to a lie - that was never an option for him."

I let my body fall in toward Tanya until my head was resting in her lap. She ran her fingers gently over my hair.

"What's the moral of this story?"

She was silent for a moment. "We have to fight for what we truly want. If we have enough determination, we can defy all odds."

"It's such a...strangely specific tale."

"It's a true story."

"What?"

Tanya hesitated for a long moment. It was as if she was deciding on a response. There was a look of genuine confliction on her face as she sat there, until finally, she just shook her head. "Never mind. It takes a specific enough story to drive a point home, I suppose."

"I guess that makes sense…" I smiled. "I'm going to use my determination alone to make sure that you can have your career _and_ we can be together. I want you in my life more than anything."

"Even after today, hm?"

"Even after today. I forgive you for what happened."

She chuckled. "In complete honesty, I can't say that's wise of you."

I sat up and kissed her lips. Tanya kissed me back for a long moment, and then...did something strange.

"...D-did you just lick my lips?" I pulled away.

Her face was a bit flushed. "I was trying to get you to open your mouth for me."

"Why would you do that…?"

"Just trust me. It's a more intimate way to kiss someone."

"Should we be doing that?"

"Should we be doing any of this from the start?"

I realized the answer was probably no. "Okay. I'll try it."

Tanya leaned in again and re-engaged me in the kiss. I parted my lips slightly this time, and felt her tongue hit mine. I jolted a bit at first, shocked, but it wasn't actually as weird as it seemed. Something about this made sense. It felt right. In fact, it felt _personal_ , and I liked being on this level with her.

I got sort of lost in it all, and before I knew it, we were lying down on the bed.

I wove my fingers through her lovely yellow hair, and she did the same to me with one hand as the other held my cheek. Our legs seemed to tangle together, and we'd formed an inseparable hold on each other as we carried on with this sloppy, intimate kiss. I never wanted it to end, but alas, humans need oxygen eventually.

I pulled away with a gasp. We were panting, gulping in air, gazing at each other with half-lidded eyes.

Suddenly, I became aware of that strong, hot, tense kind of feeling again - the one that had caused me so much stress just that morning. It resonating deep into my gut and trickled down into my abdomen. I realized, with a strange sense of ambivalence, that there were things I wanted to _do_ to Tanya. Things I'd never allow myself to consider in the light of day.

I wanted to see her without her shirt on again. To touch her body with my own hands. To watch her face and see how she _reacted_ to it all. I was completely overcome by a sense of primitive desire.

"I'm not sure how else to say it, but…" I was still taking in more air, trying to refill my lungs. "You're...turning me on again."

Tanya seemed unsure what to do. "I'm not sure this is the time or place…"

I looked over at the door. "Just lock it, and we'll be okay."

"The time or place _for you_ , I mean."

" _Me?_ I'm fine."

"You're too young."

"Then so are you."

She hesitated.

"Please? I need to find out what that _gratification_ is that you talked about. I think it's exactly what I need."

Tanya took in a breath. She shook her head slightly, _tsked_ her tongue, then sprung off the bed. I thought it was her way of declining, but then she turned the lock to the door. It snapped in place with a satisfying little _click_ , and I couldn't stop a grin from spreading across my face.

Tanya gave me a smirk as she turned, and I blushed a shade darker than usual. She put a hand on my chest and tipped me backward until I hit the sheets of the bed.

Then, just like that, she was leaning over me with her arms on either side of my head. I couldn't believe this was really happening. I was completely at her mercy now.

The smirk Tanya had been sporting lately was beginning to return. "You sure you don't want to turn back? I won't be offended if you're too _scared_."

I shook my head. "I'm sure. You can do... _whatever_ it is. Teach me the dark side of the world that I've been sheltered from my whole life. I wouldn't accept the lesson from anyone but you."

She snickered. "Alright then. Let's begin."


	11. Transparent

_A/N: Hello! Sorry for the delay in updates! I had some tough decisions to make about this story, but I believe everything is worked out..for now. To warn those who may be wary, this chapter holds up the same content warnings as last chapter: sexual references and implications._

* * *

No alarm woke us up the next morning. It was Sunday, and not even the soldiers had any work to do.

I probably would've forgotten again that I wasn't in my own room, but my entire body felt different. Some dramatic change had been undergone, whether it was physical, or something else entirely.

To start, though, everything hurt like _hell_.

I didn't move much. My chest ached like an iron anvil was weighing it down. I knew it was from the blow of Tanya's rifle the other day. That was the most intense pain, but then there were subtler ones, like the strange soreness of my inner thighs and the rawness of my neck. Things that brought back vivid memories, one by one, of what kind of sin I'd committed the night before.

Tanya was facing me, her limp fingers curled up in front of her face. She looked so cute and vulnerable like that. I noticed that her eyes were open just slightly, shining with the mistiness of a half-asleep, half-awake state.

"Good morning," I said quietly.

There was a quiet moment between us, listening to the chirp of the birds outside. A clock near the door read 9:07 AM.

She rolled onto her back. "We had sex."

What a blunt way to put it. I did my best to laugh it off. "I understand a lot more now...thanks."

Tanya blinked a few times, staring up at the ceiling. "Since it's a mutual agreement, it's rather odd to say thanks. How about just, 'that was nice' or 'we should do it again sometime'?"

"You...would consider doing it again?"

She gave an amused little scoff. "Well, there's certainly nothing to lose at this point. There's no going back, either. Are you okay that we've done this?"

"Sure. I mean, It doesn't really change anything, does it?"

She shook her head slowly. "Our relationship has reached the maximum level of intimacy, some might say. But I don't really believe in such arbitrary institutions."

I knew "love" was a strong word, and Tanya didn't take well to it, so I worded my sentence carefully. "I...want to be with you forever."

"The probability of that depends on a lot of factors that are out of my control." She sat up and dropped her feet to the floor. I watched her open the closet and begin to pull out some clothes. "But if everything goes according to plan, you will be."

All of a sudden, there was a _knock, knock, knock_ at the door. Tanya looked over her shoulder at me, and I at her. We were both still in nothing but underwear.

I stuffed on my nightgown and she didn't even bother buttoning her undershirt once she'd stuffed it on. Her uniform pants followed suit.

"Lieutenant? It's Serebryakov," Viktoriya's voice called. I had my nightgown on and Tanya grabbed the doorknob just as she slipped the last button of her jacket into place.

"Yes?" She opened the door.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but Colonel Zettour wants to speak with you as soon as possible."

Tanya's face lit up. "Oh, really?" She turned to me. "I'll be back, Lillia. You can stay here, or you can go. I don't mind."

I nodded, realizing how awkward it was that I had clearly slept here last night. Viktoriya could surely tell that much from my nightgown.

"Oh, hello again, Lillia!" She did look a little surprised.

"I'm going to go." Tanya waved goodbye and headed down the hall. She seemed to remember her hair was down and began to tie it up just as she turned the corner. Her hat and rifle had been completely left behind.

"Should I-" I motioned to them.

"It's fine," Viktoriya shook her head. "You're not supposed to wear a hat in a superior's office anyway."

"Well, okay."

Viktoriya looked like she was just about to go, but seemed to catch a glimpse of something that stopped her in her tracks. "H-hey...what's that?"

"Huh? I'm not sure what you mean…"

"On your neck." She stepped forward. "It looks like you must've...uhm…actually..." She put a hand on my shoulder and brought me to a mirror.

I felt it with the tips of my fingers. "Huh...w-what _is_ that…?" My lying voice wasn't very convincing. I knew _exactly_ what it was. Tanya had warned me about it, _afterwards_ , of course. With an apology for the inconvenience. But honestly, I knew she got some sort of joy out of marking me up. She said it with too many hints of a smirk tugging at the corners of her mouth.

It was a purplish-red hickey, trailing all the way down from the point where my jaw ended to where my collarbone began. I inspected Viktoriya's expression carefully and waited for something to surface out of the initial shock on her face.

"...I-is that a hickey…?"

"What does that mean?"

"...Uhm...nevermind."

She didn't seem to believe my fake naivete. Viktoriya put a hand on her hip, probably trying to choose between asking more questions and staying out of this - after all, I imagined she knew she was meddling in the business of Tanya, her fearsome superior.

My body stiffened more with each passing second. I realized that I might need to do something brave if I wanted to make it out of this painful exchange.

The secret was out - if Viktoriya had even half a brain, she knew what was happening. I had clearly slept in Tanya's bed last night, I had a hickey on my neck, and - from what she'd said the other day - Tanya talked about me a lot.

I turned around with a fresh look of determination on my face. "Well, I don't know what you're going to think of this, but...Tanya - I - we're…more than friends."

Viktoriya had a blank expression on her face, and I couldn't get any sort of read on it, so I just kept talking.

"A-and it's not her fault or anything! I know it's not something people really understand, but I'm the one who came in and got her into this, this...relationship. So if you're gonna get anyone in trouble, or kicked out of the war college, or worse...it should be me." I put a hand to my heart. "It's _my_ fault that Tanya's like this. I mean, y'know, w-with another girl."

A long silence. My shoulders were raised defensively, my hands balled into fists. It looked as if I was engaged in some sort of face-off. I could see it all just fading away. Everything I'd wanted so badly. I didn't want that to be ruined-

"Oh, sweetie, don't worry so much." She laughed slightly. "I would never do something like that."

"Really?" That allowed my body to relax a little.

"Of course. And besides, Tanya already told me about your relationship."

My eyes widened. "Wait, really?!"

"Yes! You're okay." She put a hand on my shoulder again. "You were willing to sacrifice your entire career for her just then, weren't you?"

I nodded slightly.

"...You clearly care a lot about her." She smiled. "A little bit of concealer should be all you need for the bruises, if it doesn't get covered by your collar."

"Thank you." I looked down at my bare feet for a second before asking, "so...how did Tanya tell you about our relationship?"

Viktoriya dropped her hands to her waist and clasped them together. "Well, to start, I suppose she believed the we were close enough. It's taken quite a long time to gain her trust. A few years, maybe. Besides, Lieutenant Degurechaff is much too intimidating for anyone to report her to the brass for any reason," Viktoriya chuckled nervously on those words. "Luckily, I wouldn't do that either way, so I guess she picked the right person to tell. She pulled me aside last night and told me, 'Lillia and I are...something romantic.'" Viktoriya giggled a bit. She seemed giddy about it, like she thought our relationship was cute. Like it wasn't weird to her. I began to really think of Viktoriya as a nice person. "This happened just outside in the dorm hallway, actually."

I had been with Tanya the whole night, so I tried to remember a point when she had stepped out. It was all a little bit confusing. "Do you know why she decided to tell you?"

"Well, she looked a little panicked when she found me. The lieutenant told me that she had hit you because of the whole uniform predicament, and I suggested getting an ice pack or two. I helped her gather some things to take back."

"Oh…" _Now_ I remembered. Tanya _did_ step out and come back with dinner and first aid supplies.

"Anyway, again, don't worry about a thing." She pointed to herself. "Your secret is safe with me!"

I felt the hickey on my neck again. "Thank you."

"Well, I should really go so that I get some studying done for classes tomorrow." With that, Viktoriya gave me a small wave and turned toward the door. "Oh! Before I forget, I'll bring you some concealer."

I gave a small "thanks again" and waved back as she pulled it shut behind her.

Okay, it was time to change into some actual clothes. When I slipped off my nightgown, I inspected my body to see what other marks I had to deal with. The mirror really showed the full extent of the bruising on my chest. A big blotch of blackish-purple covered the middle of my ribcage. It looked just as bad as it felt. Aside from the one hickey on my neck, there were also some scattered across my thighs and shoulders too. It was kind of unbelievable. I didn't know _this_ would a side effect of lust. I didn't know there would be side effects at all.

And aside from the bruises, _certain parts_ of my body - not even counting my chest - were surprisingly sore. This was probably the most embarrassing part of the whole situation because it was such a lewd reminder. Hopefully Tanya hadn't come out unscathed, either. Perhaps she was sharing in my pain at that very moment.

Was sex always such a violent act, or had Tanya just made it that way?

Viktoriya came back shortly after I'd slipped my doctor's coat on and handed me a little makeup spreader and a small circular case. I thanked her for it one last time, and while we weren't exactly the same skin tone, it worked pretty well. A little blotchy makeup covered by the shadow of my jaw, and no one would be the wiser.

I was alone for a while after that. It got so boring in there that I was just about to leave when Tanya finally came back.

She opened the door with a smug smile on her face. "Ah, you're still here."

I smiled back. "What happened with the colonel?"

"Well, I think I just earned some points with the higher-ups."

"Really? Awesome! What did they ask you about?"

"They wanted some strategic opinions of mine concerning the war. My words probably won't change much, but Colonel Zettour seemed impressed nonetheless. They may value me enough as a strategist to promote me to a more elite position, meaning I'm not likely to be sent back to a place like the Rhine."

"Really?!" I ran over and wrapped my arms around her. "That's incredible! I'm so happy for you!"

"Don't get _too_ optimistic. But it's looking good." Tanya pulled out of the hug. She just looked me over for a moment, then snickered.

"What?"

"Hiding it, huh?" She smeared some of the makeup off my neck with her thumb. "No one's going to think a fourteen-year-old has a hickey. You're fine."

"There's really nothing else it could _be_. Viktoriya saw it, and she knew what it was." I pushed her hand away.

Tanya gave me a mischievous smirk. "She did, did she?"

"Yes! Thank God you already told her about our relationship, or things could've gotten really bad."

She shrugged. "Sorry again, I suppose. I'll try not to be so rough with you next time."

I wasn't even sure what to say to that. My cheeks just burned red, like usual.

Tanya began to unbutton her jacket. "This is off-topic, but something's been bothering me. I have to look in the mirror."

I crossed my arms and sat down on the bed.

She unbuttoned her shirt next, letting it slide down her shoulders. Then she turned around and glanced over her shoulder so that she could see her back in the mirror. My eyes widened as soon as I saw it. Then I just blushed a darker shade of red.

Pink scratches down her back - like human claw marks. I could see through the mirror that Tanya was smirking again. "Wow. Hypocrite, are we?"

"I-I didn't realize...oh my God…" I buried my face in my hands.

She slipped her shirt back up around her shoulders. "It's cute. I like it."

"Huh?!"

"It's like proof of how much I could make you-"

"Stop! This is too embarrassing!"

Tanya just snickered as she grabbed her uniform jacket off the floor.


	12. Mitigation

A few months passed on, and with each sunset, I waited at the cafe. The dying sun would always bring a beautiful orange glow to Tanya's hair and a stunning sort of sparkle to her eyes as she walked in the door, rifle in hand. We had been together for almost an entire school year now, and spring blossoms littered the trees of Berun. Graduation - and deployment - would soon be upon us.

Tanya walked in one day with a very serious, unreadable sort of poker face. I waved, but she diverted her eyes from mine as she approached.

"What's wrong?" I asked as soon as she sat down.

"They spoke to me over lunch today," she said, staring down at the table. "The head strategists, I mean."

I figured this could only be something very, very serious. I spoke my next words softly. "What happened?"

"I'm being promoted to major."

"That's great! What's so bad about-"

"I'm going to lead an aerial mage battalion. The new main rapid response unit of the Empire."

I didn't know how I was supposed to react.

"This is far more dangerous than even the Rhine," she said quietly.

"...W-well, you'll need a medical team. I want to help-"

"Don't." She raised a hand. " _I'd_ kill you before you could waste your own life like that. Might as well accept an execution right here and now."

"Well, I'm not going to let _you_ die!" I put my palms down against the table. Every muscle in my body was pulled taught.

" _I_ might be fine. It's a wild card. _You_ would die within fifty seconds of that kind of battle. Besides, how do you expect to fly with us?"

I looked down, eyes narrowing slightly. It was this kind of talk that really made me feel _worthless_. "...I'm sorry, Tanya. If I had been born with some damn magic, maybe things would be different."

"Lillia, let's not fight again." She put a hand on top of mine. "I'll hold out. I'll fight for the Empire and write you when I can. If we ever end up in the same location, I'll find you."

I shook my head, trying to stop my throat from tightening up. It didn't seem to comply, and my words came out sounding choked. "I don't want to wait like some sort of purposeless damsel...I don't want that _at all_."

Tanya shook her head. "You won't be purposeless. You'll be deployed after graduation too. You'll help the war cause in a different way than me, because we're different. That's just the way it is."

"But a rapid response unit _needs_ a medical team! If not for you and your soldiers, then for injured civilians, or the troops that you come to the aid of."

She shook her head again, faster this time. "I refuse to even consider it."

"Why not?!"

"Because you're not going to _die_ , goddammit!" Tanya's grip tightened on my hand, and I could feel her nails dig deep into my knuckles. "Just _do as I say_."

I nearly snarled at her. I was angry. I was upset. I felt underestimated. But I couldn't think of any sort of response, so I said nothing.

Tanya let go of my hand and pulled back in her seat. "If that's all it takes to ruin your day, you have a lot of training to undergo before you'll have what it takes to be a military doctor."

To some extent, that might have been true, so I sat up a little straighter and tried to hold my head high for the rest of the evening.

Even so, I couldn't sleep that night.

Everything felt ruined.

-XXX-

I would soon receive my own orders of deployment, as school would be over in just over a week. I grew sadder and sadder as those around me smiled more. Everyone was looking forward to the end of their time at the war college, or their temporary break, or the family they were going to visit soon. I was about to lose the last thing of major importance to me, ending the purpose of my entire career in the military.

I mean, _technically_ , I still had no other option but to be there. I needed the housing and pay that the military provided. But Tanya was the one making everything worth it, and as much as I promised to not be a commitment to her...she was a commitment to _me_. And I knew I'd give up everything to stay by her side.

I felt pathetic, too, because she didn't seem nearly as concerned. She certainly didn't want that battalion assignment, but she was stronger than me on the outside. Tanya could grit her teeth and tough things out, and that was just second nature to her. I was too young, too naive, too…

It was pathetic because all of this difference between us was evident, even though we were both the same age.

The next day, I sat in the library, leaning forward in my seat. My left arm was sprawled out over a table, and my right held my cheek in the palm of my hand.

I heard someone sit down next to me, but I didn't turn to look. There was a sigh and the thud of a book against the table. "So _this_ is where you've been."

I eventually glanced over to see the stoic face of Tanya. "...What time is it?"

"Almost seven. You weren't at the restaurant today."

My eyes widened immediately. "O-oh...I'm sorry. I forgot, somehow. I promise that's not a lie."

She crossed her arms. "It's fine. We need to talk, though."

My body went rigid. This could be a number of different things. In the panic, my mouth began to run. "I know it's not your fault. I know we can still write to each other. I know you know how to handle yourself…" I took a breath. "If you're here to...e-end things, since we're going to be apart...I-I…"

Tanya shook her head. "Lillia, no." She put her hand on the back of my chair and leaned down. Her voice came out in a whisper. "Look...you are not a disposable asset. You have to stop picturing yourself as a piece of property that can be taken up and given away."

I stared into my lap.

"I'm not going to forget you. Understand?"

I nodded.

"You shouldn't have to count on me for your own happiness. You shouldn't be so upset just because we're parting paths again. We've done it before, Lillia. You have to have some faith in yourself to make it on your own. And even if we never meet again...look at me."

I looked up into her blue eyes. They were narrowed slightly - the face she made whenever she wanted to make sure I understood something.

"Your life has the same worth _with_ me as it does _without_ me. You have your science, and the capacity to meet new people and make new friends. I remember when you told me you wanted to learn a musical instrument." She sighed. "You are more than you seem to think you are. So it's time to stop acting like your life is ending just because one variable is changing."

"...I understand." It was easier said than done to _feel_ what she was trying to tell me, but fairly simple to understand.

"Good." She gave a quick glance around the room before kissing me lightly on the forehead. It was such a delicate, sweet gesture - an incredible rarity for Tanya Degurechaff. Her hand brushed my bangs back and ran down my hair, until it dropped back to her side. "I suppose this is where I should say something like 'Godspeed'." She scoffed, as if it was some kind of joke.

"I don't believe in God."

Tanya seemed a bit shocked by that at first, but then she snickered. "Neither do I. God is a glorified illusion created by man. A tool for desperate humans to use as a crutch. I will never submit to such a concept."

It was my turn to be surprised. Something about those words was...strangely motivating, though. I grabbed her hand and intertwined our fingers. "I will never submit either, then. We can fight together."

Tanya smiled at me. I suddenly found myself beaming with delight.

"We may be on the same side, Lillia. But you will still be crafting a weapon of mass destruction against me until the very end of our time together."

"What do you mean?"

Tanya put her other hand on top of mine, so that both of her hands were holding my right one. She held it up to her chest. "I'm dangling precariously off the edge of sanity when it comes to you, Lillia. The day I finally fall off will be the day I descend into the irrational madness that...most people call love."

My smile widened even farther. "Is there anything I can do to help you lose your balance?"

She scoffed. "I sure as hell hope not."


	13. In Secrecy

So, okay. I should probably make a confession now. Maybe if Tanya had given me that talk in the library just a few hours earlier, things would've played out completely differently. But by the time she found me, I had already set something jeopardous into motion.

-XXX-

 _Just a few hours earlier…_

I stepped up to the entrance of the Empire's Strategy HQ building. I had never been here before, I didn't know who to talk to, and I wasn't even confident that my plan would work. But I had to try _something_.

It was a grand, pillared building. In front of the main entrance hung three huge flags of the Empire. Hard to miss.

Once I was inside, I found myself lost in a crowd of men in uniforms. They all walked fast and with purpose, brushing past me as they talked with coworkers or stared down at documents. I tried to get someone's attention, but they were all in too big of a hurry to stop for me. Right as the intimidation began to take over and I glanced back at the door, a low voice spoke through all the noise, just barely managing to reach my ears.

"Are you looking for something? Miss?"

I turned around to see a tall man in a type of uniform I'd never seen before. He had dark hair with a bluish shine, and a brown pair of glasses on. "U-um, yes. I need to talk with the...uhm…strategic...people, if that's okay."

He pushed his glasses up a bit higher on his nose, something I later noticed to be a habit of his. "Well, you're speaking with one. My name is Lieutenant Colonel Rerugen."

"Oh!" I saluted him awkwardly. "I apologize, sir. Do you, by any chance, have a say in the deployment of the people in the war college?"

"Well, not directly. But I may be able to help you." He sighed, probably a little exasperated by my lack of knowledge on the subject. "Would you like to talk about it in my office?"

I nodded. "Yes please, sir!"

He turned around and began to walk toward one of the hallways. "Follow me, then."

Lieutenant Colonel Rerugen shut the door and told me to take a seat in front of the desk. I did as told, nervous out of my mind. I didn't know if saying the wrong thing to a person of this kind of power would put me in some kind of trouble.

"So, what exactly is it you've come for?" he asked, sitting down and folding his hands on the desk.

"I - well… My name is Lillia Meyer. I've come because there's a specific deployment that would mean a huge amount to me if I were to receive it."

His eyes widened. " _You're_ in the academy? You're one of the youngest people I've ever seen enrolled there. What deployment is it that you want?"

"Well...I know that Lieutenant Degurechaff will be heading a rapid response battalion… I was wondering if I could be of service to them. I-it's just...I really hope to go with Lieutenant Degurechaff."

"...Hm."

"I-I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't with her. She's been my mentor through everything so far."

"Well, it's not quite that easy. You can't just be given the job. You'll need to be first interviewed for the position, then you'll need to pass the physical exams, and finally, you'll need to go through the specialized training run by Lieutenant Degurechaff. If you can undergo all of that successfully, then you can have a position on the battalion - but you must prove that you are strong enough of a mage to do so."

I frowned. "O-oh, I'm...not a mage, sir. Just a doctor-in-training."

" _Oh_." He shook his head slightly. "If you can't fly like a mage, I don't imagine you would be compatible with a _rapid response_ battalion. Understand?"

I sighed. "But...what about rapid response medical assistance? People need that too, for sure."

He leaned forward. "Miss Meyer, unless you can fly at miraculous speeds through means _other_ than magic, I don't see how it could possibly work."

"Not even with an airplane?"

"What will you do when Lieutenant Degurechaff and her men take off at 300 miles per hour, and you're trailing behind in an airplane?"

I frowned. If only there was something else I could say to convince him.

"...Well, sir, I wouldn't be there to _fight_. I could fill the airplane with medical supplies and equipment, food, et cetera. Imagine if someone on the battalion was to get hurt, but they were only carrying the equipment they could fit on their backs. I could save the life of a soldier who could end up being pivotal to the war effort."

The lieutenant colonel seemed to freeze. I watched his expression carefully for any signs of change.

He pushed his glasses up a little higher. "...I will pass your words on to the board, but it's not my call. It will be the decision of the Board of Operations."

"Does Lieutenant Degurechaff have any say in it?"

"In a decision like this that requires significant restructuring of the battalion, I wouldn't imagine she will. You'll just have to wait and see what the board decides."

I smiled. This man had given me a solid chance. "Thank you, sir! Please put in a good word for it." With that, I got up to leave.

"...Meyer, was it?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Are you...sure you understand what exactly you're getting yourself into?"

I had already turned to the door, but I glanced at him over my shoulder. "What do you mean? I know it will be hard-"

"Tanya Degurechaff...is a very pragmatic and efficiency-oriented soldier. She's not going to act like your friend if you start working underneath her."

Without even thinking about it, I touched the middle of my chest with the tips of my fingers. I remembered what happened the last time I wore a military uniform - where the bruises had been. How they had ached for weeks.

"...I understand that, sir. But this is what I'm willing to do."

He was such a skeptic. I could see it in his eyes. "I've watched Tanya Degurechaff nearly execute a man for ignoring her orders. I had to step in and grab the rifle from her hands before she stuck her bayonet through his head."

"She wouldn't do that to me."

"There is currently suspicion that she sent a group of men to a pillbox on the Rhine front for the sole purpose of allowing them to be hit by an artillery shell. They were killed."

I swallowed my spit.

"Miss Meyer, you may be able to relate to Tanya Degurechaff because of your similar age...but she is a wolf in sheep's clothing."

"Lieutenant C-"

" _Miss Meyer,_ she is a monster in the form of a little girl."

"Lieutenant Colonel Rerugen." I turned my body toward him and gave another salute. "With all-due respect, Lieutenant Degurechaff is a sworn loyalist to her country, and a worthy soldier at that. I believe this with every cell in my body. I will not disrespect her to the point where she would feel the need to do any of those things to me." I took a breath. "I know what I am getting myself into, sir. I am prepared for this."

He froze for a moment, then sighed. "Alright then. Dig your own grave if you must. I'll relay your thought process to the board."

"Thank you, sir. You won't regret this." I turned on my heel and left his office as fast as possible. It wasn't until I stepped outside the Strategy HQ that I realized just how much adrenaline was pumping through my veins.

By the time I'd sat down in the library, I'd had a while to think about the likelihood of this whole plan working.

I began to suddenly doubt myself.

The adrenaline was fading away, replaced by cold rationality. Considering the lieutenant colonel's skepticism...was he really planning on introducing my plan with confidence? Was he really going to introduce it at all?

What if he'd only said those things to get me to leave? Maybe he thought he'd be protecting me from Tanya if he just _claimed_ he'd tell the board… Anything was possible.

Yes, I needed to face the facts. My chances of this working were slim to none.

I leaned over the table and set my cheek in the palm of my hand, and that's when Tanya sat down next to me.


	14. Memento

_A/N: Hello! Sorry this update is so delayed. I've really been struggling with this chapter. It took me a long time to stop hating it so much that I refused to post it. At least we can start to have some character development for Lillia here. This is just barely the tip of the iceberg, though. In fact, i_ _t won't be long now before life changes drastically for the both of them..._

 _Small content warning for this chapter: some more adult themes. This is the last warning I think I'll give though, since the fic is rated M now. Precarious content (for lack of a better term) is probably to be expected._

* * *

Graduation loomed ever closer. Tanya had already began taking part in interviewing candidates for the battalion, and my faith in Lieutenant Colonel Rerugen's promise was ever-diminishing. I continued to descend into sadness.

Two days before our deployments were to be announced, I went back to the library. I sifted through the shelves for something to get my mind off the current situation. It was a Saturday, so I had nothing to do until it was time to meet Tanya for dinner. She was at Saturday training, as usual.

I chose a terrible book to read. It was engaging, sure, but it ended in heartbreak. One of the lovers died in an automobile accident at the end. I felt it fitting somehow, that _this_ was the book placed in my hands. Was it some sort of tragic prelude? I set my head down on the table and pushed the book away. I knew I needed to cheer myself up, so I tried to think about what a great school year it had been. All the things I had done, and learned, and laughed about - and all the love I'd shared at one point or another.

My eyes closed slowly as I floated through a world of memories...

When I woke up, I was horribly disoriented.

"Shit!" Had I fallen asleep? What time was it?

I stood up, trying to keep my balance as I searched the walls frantically for an analog clock. It was 7:30 PM. I was supposed to meet Tanya an hour and a half ago.

I threw open the doors of the library and ran to the restaurant as fast as I could physically muster. Everything was going to shit…

This was my second-to-last day to ever have dinner with her, and I blew it.

When I got to the restaurant, I broke for our usual table in the back. Orange rays of sunlight were pouring through the windows, and they made my stomach churn with regret.

Unsurprisingly, Tanya wasn't there. I pictured where she would sit, how she would cross one leg over the other, the way her rifle would be leaning against the side of her seat. But in reality, I was looking at an empty table, empty chairs, and empty space.

I waved slightly to the man working the counter, and he gave me a solemn smile. "She left about a half hour ago, but she waited for quite a while."

"Thank you. Have a nice night." I gave him a slight nod and headed back to my dorm room.

-XXX-

I barely had my key up to the keyhole when I felt a presence behind me.

" _There_ you are."

I was too nervous to look over my shoulder. I couldn't read her expression through her voice and I didn't want to find out what it was. "I'm so sorry..." I turned the key in the lock slowly.

"It's fine. I've done it to you dozens of times."

"..."

"Lillia."

Once I'd gotten the door open, I finally forced myself to turn and look at her. "Y-yes?"

Tanya extended one hand and pushed me by the chest, causing me to stumble backwards into the room. As she stepped in after me, I watched her shut the door. She was wearing her uniform, minus the hat, and her rifle wasn't with her either. "Don't worry. I've missed dinner dozens of times but _you_ never complain."

"Then...what are you doing?" I stepped back a little.

"Making up for lost time."

She continued toward me, and this stoic voice of hers must have been scaring me a little, because I found my back hitting the wall. Had I been stepping away from her?

Tanya put one hand against the wall, leaning forward so that I was trapped in. My face flushed red. "T-Tanya...?"

Her free hand grabbed me by the tie and pulled me close to her face. "Hm?" She cocked her head slightly to the side. Our faces were mere inches from each other.

"What are you doing?"

"It's our last Saturday night at the academy," she said simply. "Our last night together."

"So...sleepover?" I chuckled nervously.

Tanya scoffed. "Not _exactly_."

I didn't have time to respond, because that's when she kissed me. I let her will overtake mine, and pretty soon she had let go of my tie and my back was against the wall again. Her free hand slid up my cheek and held me gingerly as the other continued to support her weight against the wall. The hand on my cheek eventually slid up through my hair and wove through it. It was all a fuzzy mess for me at that point - she had this amazing tendency to cause my mind to just slip away during a kiss. It was as if I was literally melting down into liquid. My hands let go of the wall and fumbled their way up the front of her torso until they were draped around her neck. It was times like these that I completely forgot I was taller than Tanya until our bodies were so close.

She pulled me away from the wall and I could feel her pushing me toward the bed, but I escaped her grasp and stepped away.

"Tanya..." A sudden question came to mind. Admittedly, I was stalling for time a little bit. This was bound to turn into the same thing we'd done a few months ago...and I was kind of nervous. "W-why are you with me? Aren't I...technically useless to you?"

She furrowed her eyebrows at me, clearly surprised.

I realized I'd better elaborate. "B-besides someone to kiss, and talk to, and do this with…do I provide anything of value to you?"

Tanya thought for a moment, then answered very matter-of-factly. "Entertainment." She stepped forward and began to unbutton my doctor's coat. "If I found you completely unimportant, I wouldn't have wasted my time on you, Lillia."

I was still a bit skeptical. "Well, I'm not even a mage, and I've been such a downer lately...do you feel like I'm a burden to you?"

Tanya's hands stopped halfway down my jacket. "You feel like dead weight-is that it?" Her voice came out kind of irritated.

As much as I didn't want to push her to frustration...I wanted to be honest. So I nodded.

She thought for a second. "Alright then. Here's what's going to happen."

Tanya sat me down on the bed and then took a seat next to me. She grabbed onto my shoulders. Before I knew it, she'd fallen back against the mattress-and taken me with her-so that I was now looming over her.

"If you really feel like dead weight, then let's do things this way."

My eyes widened. "I-I don't know how to-"

Tanya laid her arms out across the bed, as if offering herself up to me. "Figure it out."

I swallowed my spit and gave her a nod. "...Alright."

The first thing I did was undo her uniform jacket and push it away to expose her undershirt. I leaned down and kissed her lips softly. As much as I liked the feeling of being subject to _her_ control, this had its own unique appeal too. I imagined her submitting to my touch, and that motivated me to make bolder moves. My lips glided across her jaw and kissed her neck.

Tanya made a small, fragile sort of sound when I did that. She sounded surprisingly innocent for that split second, and my gentle kisses took a more aggressive turn. I didn't want to hurt her, but I wanted the skin to break just enough so that she'd have some hickies of her _own_ to take to the battlefront - a reminder of me, and who I was.

She felt the back of my head with her hand. "Lillia...would you ever grow out your hair?"

What a random question. "I've never thought much about it." I had very short hair for a girl. My routine was to just clip the bangs out of my eyes, cut the ends when they bothered my neck, and then call it done.

Tanya chuckled. "You could look very pretty. Like a princess."

I tried to picture it. Long hair down to the middle of my back, blowing in the breeze. A sea of medium brown. Sure, it could be pretty...but was "pretty" what I aspired to be?

"I don't want to look like a princess. I want to be something more fierce than that. If I was to have long hair, I'd want it to make me look _intense_. Ferocious enough to be a member of the imperial military." I slowly traced the curve of her side with my fingertips.

A very faint blush powdered Tanya's cheeks. "We're alike in that sense, then...but _you_ being _ferocious?_ I'll admit it's hard to picture."

I cocked my head to the side.

She sneered. "I mean, take right now for an example. Don't you have any better ideas than these soft little touches?" She propped herself up on her elbows. "Come on, now, Lillia. Tear into me a little."

I hesitated. This was an ultimatum moment. I'd have to make a decision.

After all, I had never been in complete control like this before. I had just been able to roll with the punches last time, going along with whatever Tanya did, whatever Tanya wanted...and it was so much easier because I didn't have to think. I didn't have to completely understand and I didn't have to worry that something would be done wrong. Look stupid. Be unromantic.

But now, now everything was on _me_. I was in control. All actions would be a result of _my_ ideas, _my_ motivations, _my_ decisions. And I did want to do this, but I was nervous, and scared, and unsure of myself - not to mention ridiculously self-conscious. Would Tanya approve? Would this end in disaster? Was it _morally_ okay?

The morality thing was a whole issue in itself. I didn't feel bad about the first time we did this because I thought of it as something I needed to learn. Something I could only understand through doing. Besides, if I didn't know the details, didn't understand it completely, then how could I be to blame for it anyway? But now I understood, knew it was taboo, knew it was something I shouldn't tell people that I'd done...and I was doing it again. Plus, I was in the position of control this time. Would the concept of 'God' that humans had thought up…be okay with this? Or was it considered sinful?

I pondered all of this, but I soon realized that I didn't care enough about the negative consequences to stop myself.

After all...I had stopped believing in 'God', a long time ago.

I pushed Tanya back down against the bed, and she didn't resist. I grabbed the bottom of her undershirt, but paused for a moment to glance up at her face.

"Don't underestimate me, Tanya. I'm capable of much more than meets the eye. And I'll prove it to you."

Her laughter turned into a mischievous snicker. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." I began to push her shirt up over her body, exposing her bare stomach. "I'll make sure you see me when you shut your eyes at night. That you'll never, ever forget me."

"Bold words, hm? Easy to speak, but not to carry out."

I leaned down to kiss her, but before our lips met, I uttered some closing words.

"You know I wouldn't lie."

That's the last thing either one of us said all night.


	15. Trust Fall

A knocking on my door woke me early on Monday. I could hear someone going dorm to dorm, waking all of us up for the big day. Harsh sunlight was pouring through the windows, and I put a hand over my eyes to block it out. I just wanted to extinguish it and sneak to Tanya's room in the darkness, but I knew our peaceful school days were officially over. Time had snatched them away, and I didn't have the claws to pull them back.

I threw my pillow against the far wall and huffed in disappointment. It took several minutes for me to collect the strength necessary to throw my legs over the side of the bed and stand to my feet.

-XXX-

We all lined up in order of superiority and duty. I was with a few other medical students, and I could see Tanya about halfway across the great hall from me, standing with some officers in similar uniforms. She was one of twelve that were isolated from the rest - if I remembered right, they were the most elite group in the entire school, the Twelve Knights. They would graduate with the highest honor possible.

I had been dressed in what I supposed I would be wearing as my uniform from that point onward - a forest green, tunic-like jacket with a belt. I had a white band around my left sleeve with a red cross on it, to symbolize that I was medical personnel. Unlike the officers, the other medics and I didn't have peaked caps to wear.

"Today, soldiers, you graduate." A man walked across the middle of the hall, his huge voice booming loud for everyone to hear. "Today, you will be assigned your deployments. It's time for you to defend our fatherland. Some of you will come back, and for others, this will be your final destination. But _all_ of you will be honored for your service to the Empire, and _all_ of you will eventually meet back on the same plane of existence: Valhalla."

I swallowed my spit.

"We will begin the calling."

Another man stood beside him, holding a thick brown binder. He opened it and began to call off names. "Ambers, Moritz."

A man stepped forward from the very first line of students. "Yes sir!"

"You will go to Norden! Artillery Observation Officer."

Moritz Ambers stepped back into line, and the calling continued. The names droned on and on, until they eventually reached Tanya.

"Degurechaff, Tanya!"

I watched her step forward. "Yes sir!"

"As previously arranged, you will lead the 203rd Aerial Mage Rapid Response Battalion. You are hereby promoted to the title of Major Tanya _von_ Degurechaff."

My eyes widened. I knew the Empire was a meritocracy, but it never occurred to me…she had just joined the nobility!

"Thank you, sir! I will lead the fatherland to victory, sir!" She stepped back into line.

Later a man by the name of Warren Grantz was selected as the first candidate for her mage battalion. Others followed suit. I realized we were quickly approaching the M names, and before I know it, there it was.

"Meyer, Lillia."

I stepped forward. "Y-yes sir!" I could see Tanya's eyes on me. She gave a small grin and a nod of encouragement. I was so nervous, my body must've looked stiff as a board.

"You will be an imperial doctor for the war effort. We have made the executive decision to immediately promote you to primary combat medic, for the purpose of you travelling as a solitary physician."

I wondered what that meant. The man continued.

"You will travel with the 203rd Aerial Mage Battalion, under the command of Major Tanya von Degurechaff."

I watched Tanya's eyes slowly widen as my heartbeat took off in cut time. Her mouth hung open in shock, and my head began to spin.

Surely, this was all some sort of mistake. I hadn't heard him right...right?

My legs felt like rubber underneath me, and I thought for a moment I would fall over when I took my step back into line. My heart thudded in my chest like a drum, and it was all I could hear as the rest of the deployments were read off.

Everyone arranged by assignment afterward. Tanya stepped into the center as members of the battalion gravitated toward her. She had a stoic frown on her face, head angled slightly toward the floor. She stared up at me from under her cap as I made my shaky way over.

"What. Did you _do_." It was the first thing she said to me.

"...Aren't you happy about it?"

" _How_. Tell me." She just stared up at me, still as a statue.

"...I suggested the idea to Lieutenant Colonel Rerugen. I had no idea it would really be considered. It's a miracle!"

"It's a curse."

My body went cold. "...Why?"

"I don't know what I'll do if I have to watch you die."

I gave her a salute. "Major, I will stay by your side until the war sees its end, if that's your command."

She balled her hands into fists and tilted her head up, so that she was peering down at me now. Her mouth was pressed into a tight line. "You bet your goddamned ass it is."

-XXX-

As it turned out, we had to stay on campus a few more days as more battalion candidates were shipped in from other schools. I didn't mind this at all - I had a few more days of school before life got serious.

Tanya and I walked out of the hall together. We were both silent, and I wasn't exactly sure what to say. She seemed mad…but there was nothing I could do about it at this point. I stared down at the floor, trying to act concerned, concealing my excitement. She was mad now, but we would be together, and it would be good in the long run. I didn't want to disregard her emotions...but I was so sure that I would be right.

We turned a corner and left the bulk of the crowd, and that's when she put a hand on my shoulder. I reached up to touch her fingers.

"Don't get me wrong. I understand the benefits of this situation. I'm skeptical, though. _Extremely_ skeptical."

"I won't be the one fighting," I replied. "I'll just be your en-route assistance. I'll always be by your side to help."

"..."

"They're going to teach me to operate an airplane, I think."

"An airplane is a massive target." She glanced out a window as we passed it. "Are you afraid of heights, Lillia?"

"A little. Just the same as anyone would be. I'll be okay."

She scoffed. "You know, that's what everyone says. Until they strap on their flight equipment and start tumbling through the air."

I shrugged. "Airplanes are surely more stable and self-regulating than the mage equipment."

"Maybe. But your plane could be shot down. You have to be prepared for what it feels like to fall."

A smirk began to make its way onto her face. What kind of ideas were forming in her mind…?

"A parachute-"

"As your commander, I think I'm going to give you a lesson in freefalling."

My eyes widened. Was this some sort of revenge ploy…? "W-what do you mean?"

"You'll see. Just come with me." Her hand still on my shoulder, I let Tanya guide me outside.

She took me to an open field behind one of the instructional buildings. The only things nearby were two padlocked sheds, and acres upon acres of grass.

"Stay here." Tanya typed a code into one of the locks and disappeared into the first shed. She came back out a few minutes later with a handful of metal equipment. I stood by nervously as she fastened it all on, starting with a beige, insulated jumpsuit. It gave me vivid flashbacks of the testing ground where we first met.

"So...what exactly are you planning to do?"

"I said you'll see."

Her computation jewel began to glow, and even in the daylight, I could tell that her eyes had lit up as well. The equipment rigged to the front of her body gave off the same sort of luminescence, and I found myself awestruck by the beauty of it all.

"You're blushing," she smirked. "What is it?"

I shook my head. "I just...never get tired of you."

"You might not be saying that in a few seconds."

"Why-?"

"Step on my feet." She reached her arms out. "And grab my hands."

I seemed to remember at that point just exactly what we were out here to do. "...Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Is it safe?"

"I won't let you get hurt."

"You promise?" I stayed put where I was.

She gave me a serious look. "Do you trust me, Lillia?"

"Of course."

"Good. But even if you don't, I'm your superior - your commander - and you don't have a choice anymore when I tell you to do something." She motioned with her head to her hands. "This is a training exercise, and I'll be damned if a member of my battalion is underprepared for the war."

I nodded and stepped on her feet slowly. Instead of taking her by the hands, I wrapped my arms around her body and held on tight.

I felt us lift off the ground, and a quick glance downward revealed that we were beginning to gain altitude, faster and faster. We rose above the roof of the instructional building, and pretty soon the forest in the distance evened out into a carpet of green down below. I held onto Tanya with all of my might, and before I knew it my head was on her shoulder with my eyes shut tight.

"Open your eyes. Look."

I peeked one open. "I'll admit, it was pretty beautiful. I could see the whole valley in its entirety from here. This view beat even the grand statues and fountains of Berun.

"D-does it hurt to be supporting my weight like this?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine. Pretty, isn't it?"

I nodded.

"You'll get used to it, trust me, but it's spectacular at first."

I gave another nod. "So...you're not going to let go, right?"

Tanya smirked. "Did I not say earlier? This is a lesson in _freefalling._ "

My grip on her tightened like a vise. "Wait, no. I don't even have a parachute! I'll always have a parachute when I fly a plane, right?"

She shrugged. "Probably."

"Then what's the point of this?!"

Tanya's smirk widened, exposing some of her teeth. This only intensified my anxiety. "Relax. The point is just to learn not to panic when things go wrong. When you begin to fall, stretch out your arms like an eagle. It'll increase your air resistance and decrease your velocity. But I'll bet you already know that, since you've been interning with Schugel and all. Once you're controlling your fall to the best of your ability, all you can do then is wait."

"To die?!"

"No."

My arms began to glow dimly with magic energy. It seemed that she was using her mage forcefield to slowly push me off. My heart rate tripled.

"Then what am I waiting for?!"

"For me to catch you."

Just then, there was a flash of blue light and a harsh shove against my hands. The sound of the wind filled my ears as I dropped backward, and I fell down ten, twenty, thirty feet, too terrified to be angry, and too choked up to scream.

Her silhouette disintegrated into the distance above me, cast into shadow by the dying sun.


	16. Convictions

My first instinct was, of course, to panic.

I thrashed and struggled, grasping at the distance between me and Tanya out of blind desperation - that is, until I began to think back on what she'd told me. I was stuck at a 45 degree angle, but I put my arms out at my sides and stretched out my legs, trying to even out my weight so that my body was facing the sky. With some effort, it seemed to work. It wasn't until I had gotten into the correct position that I saw Tanya again - now a tiny black dot in the distance - coming to save me.

Then just like that, she disappeared again in a blur. There was a huge gust of wind, and it didn't take long before her arms were reached out to grab me. It wasn't a flawless sort of scoop, like they make it seem in film. No, I must have been going _fast_ , and as my body came into contact with her arms, it was like hitting a concrete floor. I screamed out for just a moment - it felt like my spine was shattering and my legs were being broken in half.

Then, just as soon as it had happened, it was all over. As if Tanya was somehow reversing the process - or, no, that's exactly what she was doing. I knew it had to be her magic. I was being instantly healed; my bones came back together and resealed in a fraction of a second, before any injury even visibly occurred. Still, my vision blurred with pain and I bit down hard on my lip, shutting my eyes tight. Eventually, we touched back down to the ground.

Tanya knelt down on her knees and set me in the grass.

She didn't try to tell me to stand up as I laid there. Instead, she just sat down next to me and put a hand on my back. "Are you alright? Your body's shaking."

I nodded slightly.

"Mages can withstand a lot of impact because we can create force fields. It becomes a reflex. Non-magic bearers, on the other hand... Hurt like hell, didn't it?"

"It did."

She looked up at where we'd just been in the air. The clouds were moving fast with wind. "I felt your bones breaking and had to act fast. I was already planning for that possibility, so I used magic as soon as we made contact."

"..."

"You alright?"

My voice was croaky. "Yeah...sorry if I screamed in your ear."

She chuckled at that. "We put up with screaming on a daily basis on the battlefield. It doesn't bother me."

"Okay," I sighed. There wasn't much else to say. I wasn't sure what exactly she was trying to prove through this exercise, but it had definitely established some fresh new fears in my mind.

We walked back to the building slowly. "Oh, by the way," Tanya started, completely out of the blue. It had been silent before. "I'm going to be your superior now, so I'll be functioning as the boss of you. There will be no more walking side by side, or even being friends. You understand that, right?"

I grabbed her hand and intertwined our fingers, even though we were in public. I didn't care.

Tanya hesitated, like she was considering pulling away, but eventually just let it be.

"We should make this last, then."

She nodded. "We can still be 'together', but we'll have to be more careful."

"Yeah."

We listened to the sunset and felt the birds sing their songs. Everything seemed like it was inside out, but I didn't know why. I didn't question it. I just gave a weak smile and waited for the adrenaline in my veins to dissipate.

-XXX-

Tanya and I sat down at our restaurant, at our table, in our designated seats, for the very last time. I watched her set her peaked cap on the seat next to her and secure her rifle against the side of the booth, like usual. She rested her hands on the table, and I felt the urge to make a move, so I did. I set my hands on top of hers and gave a meek smile. Tanya gave a sort of half-grin in return.

A specific kind of serenity settled into the moment. The rays of the setting sun warmed my skin as we both enjoyed the other's presence silently. I didn't question it, just let the pleasant feelings sit and fester in the bottom of my chest. She had such a lyrical glint to her eye that I could've died.

Tanya wasn't one for public displays of affection, especially with all the given circumstances, but she lifted one of my hands and kissed the knuckle.

My smile became a toying grin. "What are you doing?"

"Better here than in the barracks, in front of the battalion."

"I suppose." I pulled my hands back and set them in my lap. "Won't we get close enough to them that it won't be weird over time?"

"This...isn't the type of secret you should ever really tell," she shrugged. "Everyone is safer that way."

"But what would anyone _really_ do? What would happen if someone like Lieutenant Colonel Rerugen found out?"

"Well..." Tanya sighed and brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "It would be pretty terrible, that's for sure. Maybe not _firing squad_ terrible, but..."

I couldn't help but stare down at my lap. "I don't really understand why anyone would care so much."

"You're too young to understand," I heard her mumble under her breath.

"What?" I looked up quickly. "We're the same age. Why do you always say things like that?"

She looked at me in bewilderment for a split second, but then her face regained its composure. "Just an expression. I'm joking when I say it."

I could tell that was less than true, but I couldn't exactly see _how_ , so I let it be. I thought back to the strange salaryman story she'd told me, but drew no connection. I just settled with the understanding that Tanya occasionally said things that only made sense to _her_.

"Do you really think I'll die in the war?"

She raised an eyebrow, a bit taken aback by that too.

"Why so surprised…? You say that kind of thing to me all the time."

"Sure, but...I used to say it when you weren't going to be _in_ the war. I was just trying to convince you not to get yourself in over your head."

"So what do you _really_ think, then?"

"I..." Tanya gave it a good pause. "...You will survive." She looked at me seriously, but there was a hint of sweetness to her voice. "You can be weak sometimes, Lillia. You're human. You laugh and cry. And I'll admit I don't want to see that shaken out of you, but...I think you have the spirit it takes to survive. With some proper training, you'll do alright. If I didn't see that in you, I'm not sure I would've been able to stand you from the start."

I set my chin in my palm. It was starting to rain outside just a little bit, and I watched the drops gather on the window. I pictured how they would feel in my hair, and how they would look in Tanya's. A crown of tiny spherical rainbows on her head.

"I'm so happy to hear that," was I all I could think to mumble.

She chuckled slightly and leaned back against her seat. "At least you're not worried about _me_."

I scoffed. "Are you _kidding?_ I'm worried out of my mind. You're going to be in more danger than I am. You'll _spit_ in the face of death and all I'll be able to do is my best to heal you - to pull you away from it." I laughed. "I didn't even know before today that mages had healing powers. What do you need me there for?"

"Come on." Tanya crossed her arms. "You really weren't taught about how mages' regenerative abilities work?"

I shook my head. "Magic can't exactly be explained by science...so no."

"Well, I'll tell you then. Mages can heal non-mages relatively easily, given the correct circumstances. That's how I was able to heal you so fast. Mages can't heal themselves or other mages nearly as well." She thought about it for a moment. "I could probably heal from a gunshot flesh wound in a week. But when it comes to bone or muscle, it would take a few more days. I certainly don't heal fast enough to keep myself from bleeding out if someone was to slit my throat. Serious injuries are still serious. Do you understand?"

I nodded slightly. "I suppose that makes sense." Then I grinned a little. "So then, how about...those hickies?"

She touched her fingertips to her neck. The bruises were sort of old-looking already, taking on a brownish-yellow hue.

"How long do they take to completely disappear?"

"A day or two, usually," she shrugged. "I can control how much of my magic power I expend on them, so I could heal them much faster if I bothered to."

"So...if someone was to see them, they'd know they were really recently inflicted?"

Tanya rolled her eyes. "Well, yes. Mages might know. I have a particularly large magic output, so I can heal very fast. Someone like Viktoriya would probably be able to tell how long I've had them, since she's familiar with me."

I was silent.

"Oh, wipe that smug grin off your face," she chuckled. "It's embarrassing. Especially because I think she noticed today. She just didn't say anything."

"If it was such a concern to you, couldn't you just speed the healing process up?"

"..." Tanya rolled her eyes again.

I couldn't help but grin a little harder.

Our last dinner together was a lot of fun, but I knew that when I woke up the next morning, this peaceful academy life would truly be over.

Everything I knew was about to change forever.


	17. Almost Winged

I was sent off to training to get my wings when the last of Tanya's battalion was shipped over. They went high into the mountains for a month of intensive training, and I was to spend that time learning to pilot an airplane.

I knew it was a temporary situation, but still - it felt odd being on my own. People really spoke to me as a soldier, and that meant a lot of "what do you think you're doing?" and "hey, get over here!"

I pictured Tanya standing up for me if she was there, but in reality, I knew those were the kinds of things she was currently saying _herself_. It was time for me to become accustomed to this way of life, because she wasn't going to put me on such a pedestal when we met again - and she certainly wouldn't be as protective of me as before, so I'd have to learn to fill that role myself.

It was getting horribly hot outside, and the way you could make out heatwaves in the air over the asphalt landing pads reminded me of the research base where I met Tanya for the first time. It was something I found I could take comfort in as I prepared to come close to death every morning.

Just flying an airplane is a one skill, sure, but I wasn't just taught to fly, I was taught to dodge projectiles, make emergency landings, equip a parachute in less than ten seconds, and shoot anything from a semi-automatic rifle to a plane-rigged machine gun. I was terrified at first, but the routines became simple muscle-memory over time.

I made a couple of friends, too.

One was a black-haired boy named Eric. He had the vitality of a waterfall in his deep blue eyes, and a constant smirk on his face. As mischievous as he appeared, though, I never saw him do anybody any harm. He was just one of those characters who's entirely unique from anyone else you've ever met. We made decent allies, even though he was seventeen and I was fourteen. We were both the two youngest on the training ground.

"So, tell me then," he said one day, his head hanging upside-down from the top bunk to look at me. My bed was underneath his in the barracks. "What made you join the military?"

"It's a really complicated story." I said that so that he'd hopefully lose interest. Eric liked things simple and sweet.

"That's fine, I guess," he shrugged. "Give me the short version."

"...Alright. I'm an orphan. I didn't initially know what to do when my parents died, but I just so happened to have a friend in the military. I thought, hey - it's food, money, and a roof over my head. So I joined as a medic, which ended up leading to this. I got put on the 203rd Mage Battalion."

He scoffed. "You're one hundred percent lying."

"What?! Why do you say that?"

"Because you're not even a mage." Eric rolled his eyes. "Did you misspeak or something?"

I sighed. "No. That's why I've got to earn my wings. I can't fly, but they need a medic. That friend I mentioned is the captain of the battalion."

He outright laughed this time, pulling his body back up over the bunk. I heard Eric's shoulders hit the wall as he leaned back. "Sure, sure. You mean the brand-new rapid response combat unit, right? The one led by the soldier dubbed 'White Silver'?"

"Yes! I know it's unlikely, but it's true."

"How could a soldier who's never even earned her wings, and isn't even a _mage_ , be working with a mage that earned a Silver Wings Assault Badge? I think you're just making this up because Tanya von Degurechaff is the same age as you."

"Doesn't that just make it less likely that I'm lying?"

I heard the rustle of his uniform. Must've shrugged his shoulders.

Luckily, an idea popped into my head. "Okay, you seem to know a lot about her. Is that right?"

"Yeah," he replied. "Sort of an idol of mine, actually. I've done a lot of reading about her."

"Quiz me on my knowledge of her, then. We'll see if I'm really her friend or not."

"Sure, but I don't know if quizzing you is really gonna make me believe anything."

"Try it."

"Mmm..." He thought for a moment for something to say. "How'd she earn her Assault Badge?"

"She was in her final training mission in the north, and got ambushed by enemy forces. She managed to take down about seven of them, even though she got really injured in the process. She told me that she had to overload her computation jewel when her rifle ran out of ammo, and that caused a massive explosion. I think...she blew a blood vessel in one of her eyes, then broke an arm and a leg in the fall."

Eric was silent.

I smirked a little. "Impressed yet?"

He laughed again. "You're just a stalker."

"Nope. I-" I gasped as soon as something stupidly obvious occurred to me. "Hold on." I reached into a bag under my bed and pulled out a rectangular box. I threw it up onto his bunk and sat with him as he opened it.

Sure enough, Eric's eyes began to widen as he sifted through old letter after old letter. Weathered pages, from as far back as when I was eleven, fell through his hands as he inspected them all. They were letters Tanya had sent me over the years. Some were responses, while others were just her checking up on me. For a second, I panicked that he'd read something that would reveal our relationship, but the only thing she sent me after we'd begun going steady was a short letter while she was in the countryside doing business for one of the higher-ups of the academy. She knew better than to disclose our relationship in any way that could be used as evidence against us.

Eric just looked up at me in shock. "You weren't fucking kidding, huh?"

I shook my head. "Nope."

"So, what, are you two best friends? You seem really close in this last one."

He motioned toward the letter that mentioned " _I'm looking forward to seeing you when I get back."_

I smiled. "Yeah. She's the best friend I've ever had. We're closer than close."

"So?! What's she like? Huh?" He dropped the letter back in the box and shut it tight.

I chuckled. "Well, she's super serious. All the time."

"Of course."

"She acts like she's twenty years older than she is. You've really got to hear her speak to appreciate it. She references battles and figures I've never heard of, and tells me stories with lessons that I'm really not sure I understand... Even though I consider myself a scientist-in-training, she knows more than me about...some of that stuff. And, she _always_ knows what she's doing, y'know? At least, she acts like she does."

Eric nodded slightly. "But is she...nice?"

I nodded, but I could tell I was smirking a little. "If she thinks you're worth her time, yeah. I guess I sort of had to prove myself to her in the beginning."

"That's a common trait among military personnel," Eric nodded. "It doesn't surprise me." He sighed. "I wonder if she'd think I was worth her time."

I didn't actually know the answer, but he would likely never meet her, so I didn't feel bad nodding my head.

"I bet she would."


	18. Homecoming

A month later, we officially graduated.

I had earned a silver, winged badge that signified I was a pilot, and a red cross patch to show I was a primary medic. I couldn't help but beam with joy the first time I looked down at my newly-accessorized uniform. In the back of my mind, I hoped that Tanya would see me and be proud of my accomplishments. The icing on the cake was really that I got a cool peaked cap, just like she did. They told me I wouldn't be wearing it much, but for formality's sake it was part of my complete uniform.

I had been at school for about three months, and it was finally the day that I would see Tanya again. I wondered if she would have a different air to her. If I would no longer recognize the scent of her hair, or the feel of her skin to my fingertips. I wondered if I would ever have another chance to kiss her, or if she'd even let me.

In the end, though, none of the small things really mattered. I just wanted to see her face again.

My plane was brought outside and prepared for me. I was given a map and the coordinates of the V601 battalion's current base, as well as all of the food, water, and supplies I might need for the trip. Then I strapped into my seat, cleared for takeoff, and left Eric behind - for what I assumed would be forever.

It was four hours of flight before I finally touched down. I had to travel all the way across the Empire, up to the north. As soon as I spotted their base camp in the distance and began to steer the plane down, my heart began to pound in my chest. It was an orange, nostalgic sunset-time of day, and I could see them all eating dinner around a warm fire. One tiny figure stepped out from a tent and they all stood as they noticed it. This figure - the leader - seemed to assemble them all, and they stood in a tight line, saluting. I landed the plane in a field of flat ground beside the base.

The loud whirr choked away as I killed the engine. Admittedly, I was nervous and excited at the same time. The thought of seeing Tanya again made my heart beat at breakneck speed, but my legs shake with anxiety. In this moment, a new - terrifying - question flashed into my mind.

 _What is she expecting of me now?_

There was only one way to find out: by smoothing out my uniform, taking a long breath, and finally stepping down from the plane.

Tanya stood in front of the line, saluting me with a sly grin. Part of me desperately wanted to go in for an immediate hug, but I managed to restrain myself and give a salute in return. "Good evening, everyone."

"Listen up, men." Tanya raised her voice loud and stood next to me as she addressed the others. "This is Lieutenant Meyer. She is our medical aid, as well as an assistant to me. No, she is not a mage, but she is a brother to our brotherhood. She is next in command to Weiss and Serebryakov, so you will treat her as such."

"YES MA'AM!" they suddenly yelled. I flinched a little, but did my best to hide it.

I felt Tanya's hand on my shoulder and looked over to see her smiling like the sun. She had a line of dried blood across about two inches of her forehead, and her hands were smeared with dirt.

I was really here.

I was a soldier with her. As intimidating as it was in a sense, it made me smile too. She still had the same beautiful, straw-colored hair, and the breathtakingly blue eyes, and the straight white teeth in her smile. She was a tiny bit taller, approaching my own height, but not by much. My Tanya from school was still all here. Time hadn't taken any of her away from me.

Viktoriya coughed, and we broke our seal of eye contact. How long had we just been staring at each other? Even the mysterious, phenomenal paragon, Tanya "White Silver" von Degurechaff, had just gotten lost in somebody's eyes. It took all of my will to stop a dark red blush from spreading across my cheeks.

"You're just in time for dinner, lieutenant." Tanya walked back toward the center of camp and motioned for me to follow her. "Before that, though...come with me. I need to brief you on our rules and schedule around here."

Alone time? That got my heart beating fast again. I ran to catch up with her and walked at her left flank until we were inside the major's tent.

To my surprise, Tanya did exactly as she said she would. She showed me an agenda sheet and began to describe the expectations of me and the rules I needed to carefully follow. I just nodded through it all.

When she was finally done speaking, I hugged her.

Tanya was a little bit taken by surprise, but hugged me back after a moment. She felt thinner already, and she was already _so_ thin. I couldn't believe she'd lost more weight.

"You have a different air about you," she mumbled into my shoulder. "You're a lot taller, too."

"Different?" I continued to squeeze her tight. "How?"

"It's...the tone of your voice. And the way you walk."

"They trained me like this."

"You're just a little less naive than when I last saw you," she sighed. "But that's okay. You're still Lillia. I can tell that much."

As soon as we pulled out of the hug - to my surprise - Tanya kissed me. It was a slow, tender feeling, and I felt like I was being recharged with that special sort of motivation that sustains life. There isn't any other way to describe the feeling. I smiled into the kiss, until I was laughing with joy and she was forced to pull away.

"You're insane."

"I'm just so happy to see you again."

"...Listen, Lillia." Tanya frowned. "This kind of stuff is going to become rare between us. I'm going to have to treat you like just another soldier."

A nod from me. "...I expected that. It's okay. But...every once in a while, I'll be able to see you alone, right?"

She nodded her head hesitantly. "Not every day. Not as much as you'd like."

"That's okay." I gave her a salute. "I'm happy to be working with you, major!"

She chuckled briefly and folded her hands behind her back, but the smile slowly melted into a frown. "If only that type of enthusiasm lasted forever around here. Do your best to boost the morale of the other soldiers, okay? They really need it after training."

"What was training like?"

Tanya smirked. "Hell on earth. Truth is, I was trying to weed them out. But they all managed to do fine."

I opened my mouth to say something, but I was cut off by the sound of Viktoriya's voice outside the tent.

"Um, major! I need to speak with you as soon as possible!"

Tanya set her hand on my shoulder. Again, she wasn't one for public displays of affection, but it seemed that after reuniting with me, she really enjoyed being able to feel me there with her. It brought a warm feeling to my heart to theorize this.

"Alright, come in, Serebryakov."

Viktoriya walked in and stood straight with her hands behind her back. I remember being taught that saluting indoors is not required, or expected, so she didn't give one. "Enemy forces have been spotted approaching from the west. Estimated to be two large mage companies. At least triple our manpower. They should be here by sundown tomorrow."

My eyes widened. I turned to Tanya to see her reaction. Was this normal?!

The major kept a straight face and nodded slowly. "That's no problem for us. They're approaching their own demise." She walked over to a map and motioned for me and Viktoriya to come look. Tanya pointed to a place just west of the location of our base camp. "We'll leave in the morning and try to intercept them here. Serebryakov, you know the drill. Everyone did a fine job on the first mission yesterday, even though it _was_ practically target practice…"

Viktoriya didn't reply. She looked a bit nervous.

"There isn't much else to say. Just follow my orders. We'll shoot from afar for as long as possible, since it's always more dangerous to engage head-on. I'll repeat these instructions to the whole battalion."

Viktoriya and I both nodded.

"Oh, and Lillia." She turned to me. "As for you, I want you flying to the rear of the battalion. Low. Carry your medical supplies with you, as well as your rifle. It's likely you won't need to engage in combat, but it's certainly better to be thoroughly prepared."

I nodded again in agreement. "Yes, ma'am."

Tanya squinted her eyes at that. For a second, I worried if I'd done something wrong. Maybe it was just weird to hear herself addressed that way by me. As if two separate worlds had just merged into one. Well, to be fair, they kind of _had_.

She eventually just brushed it off and turned toward the exit. "I'll go ahead and give the mission directions."


	19. First Day at War

Dawn came so fast.

I woke up in a cot next to Viktoriya, who had already gotten up and was brushing out her hair. I could hear Tanya's loud, furious voice outside.

"You call that quick?! How the hell did you survive training, huh?! And _you_ over there! Grantz! If you wanted to clean your rifle, you should've done it during break yesterday!"

I turned to Viktoriya.

"Better get up," she whispered. "She knows you're still asleep."

"Is she going easy on me?" I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood to my feet.

"Not that much. She told me I wasn't allowed to wake you up, and that if you weren't up in five minutes she'd come in and shoot a blank over your head."

" _Oh_."

"Sorry..."

I gathered up the parts of my uniform and threw them on as quickly as possible. I was holding a scarf, trying to decide whether or not I would need it for flying, when Tanya finally came stomping in. She looked really irritated - a truly wrathful aura was resonating from her narrowed eyes and stiff shoulders. Just as Viktoriya had warned me, she was holding her rifle.

"G-good morning, major!" Viktoriya and I nearly said it in unison.

"Why aren't you two dressed yet?!" She turned to me specifically, and before I knew it, she'd grabbed me by the collar and jerked me forward. My bewildered face was suddenly in close proximity to her furious one. "Don't think I take pity on newcomers. You'd better be quick at learning how things work around here, or I'll have to give you a personal lesson in military etiquette."

I swallowed my spit. "Yes ma'am...!"

Tanya let go of me and I stumbled a bit to regain my balance. Then she swiped once - twice - across the front of my uniform to smooth the creases she'd made in it. That took me by surprise. "...Let's _go_ , Lillia," she said in a quiet voice. And with that, she simply turned on her heel and left.

I glanced over at Viktoriya, again for her reaction. She just stared. "...You okay?"

"Yes...yep. I'm totally fine." I grabbed my medical bag and rifle, giving up on the scarf idea. Viktoriya and I headed out together.

-XXX-

I was up in my plane. The sun was still rising over the horizon as we flew through the sky. Sort of like birds, the mage battalion flew in a V-shape, with Tanya at the very front. I flew in the back-middle, just behind where the two diagonal lines of the V gave away.

Often times during the flight, I felt like an outsider. A total intruder to something bigger and deeper than myself. Every man and woman in the battalion - they all seemed to be connected to each other somehow. Tanya would give some small signal with her arms and all of a sudden they'd have bolted off at double speed and I would have to strain the engine to catch back up. I wished so badly in moments like these that I could just leave my airplane behind and soar like birds with them.

Finally, sometime well into the morning, I saw the opposing companies appear in the distance. We all slowed down. The enemy had a couple of planes too, which made me nervous. Hopefully I wouldn't be targeted. They appeared to be assault planes though, because a quick glance through my binoculars confirmed that there were artillery rigs mounted to the front of each one. I watched every mage in Tanya's battalion ready and aim their guns.

On her command, all hell broke loose.

The sky erupted into a chorus of gunshots, and bullets whizzed by us like miniature flashes of lightning. Tanya dodged a barrage of bullets by flying straight up and out of sight, and I lost track of her for a few seconds. Then suddenly-

 _BANG!_

It had come from behind me. I turned to see her standing on the wing of my airplane, reciting what I thought might've been a prayer. It was nearly impossible to hear over the wind.

"What are you doing?!" I called out. But Tanya ignored me. She set a hand to her chest and continued to mutte

I watched in shock as her eyes dilated and then undilated. Her pupils shrunk and her irises turned from blue to gold. I couldn't believe it - her eyes had begun to glow about twice as bright. She jumped off the wing of my plane, straight up into the air, and fired a single shot with her rifle.

There was a _massive_ explosion. Just like that, every single enemy plane, as well as a fair amount of mages, went down.

My mouth was gaping open in shock, and I proceeded, of course, to inhale a mouthful of smoke, which was blowing through the air like a shockwave. It was only after my coughing fit that I really began to question it all. What the hell had just happened?!

The answer would have to wait - our enemies were _angry_ now.

One of them - possibly the leader of the group - began barrelling straight for Tanya. She went speeding off to meet him in the middle, and had my hands not been occupied with the plane, I probably would've been biting my nails.

Something about this picture suddenly didn't look right to me. Was that...a _smirk_ on Tanya's face? The way her chest was moving - was she _laughing?_ I figured my eyes had to be playing tricks on me. She shot at the leader, but he was so fast, he seemed to evade all of the bullets. He had a knife in his hand now, and I realized he sought to fight her head-on. That would never go down in her favor though, would it?! She was so small-

It took a single sideways slash of Tanya's bayonet, and just like that, the man began to fall. It was hard to make out - the air was still sort of smokey - but I was pretty sure she had slit his throat.

With their leader dead, the enemy companies hesitated for a moment, then began to retreat. Tanya and her battalion shot down as many of the mages as they could while they were still within firing range. I was completely awestruck the whole time.

All of a sudden, Tanya landed not on, but _in_ my plane with me. She jumped down into the passenger seat to my left with a thud and I looked over my shoulder at her.

She was still laughing. Her eyes were back to their light blue color, but nothing else seemed normal. She had an insane look on her face, with one eye only half open and the other very wide. Her pupils were dilated in different amounts, which, as a medic, scared me the most. A classic symptom of craniocerebral trauma.

"T-Tanya?!"

"Did you see that?!" She motioned with her arm out to the air around us. "They dropped like flies! Too goddamn easy!"

I set the plane to fly forward relatively slowly and turned to Tanya. I held the sides of her face in my hands and turned her to face me. "Did you hit your head on anything?!"

She pushed me off, and I noticed a small splatter of blood on her insulated jumpsuit.

"Is that your blood, or someone else's?"

Again, she didn't respond. I guess I didn't give her the response she wanted, so she jumped out of the plane and held up a signal for her battalion to reassemble.

"Come on, men! Time to go back!"

With that, we began our return to camp.

-XXX-

Everyone began to step out of their jumpsuits and put away their equipment. As soon as I spotted Tanya, I ran over to her. She was putting her hair up in a tighter ponytail since the wind had knocked some of it loose.

I saluted. "Excuse me, major. I need to speak with you right away."

"Go ahead." She seemed to be completely back to normal.

"During that battle, you started to worry me. It was in your behavior and the way your eyes dilated. I need to check you for a concussion."

She was silent for a moment, probably choosing her next words carefully. "No, I don't have a concussion." With that, she turned and began to walk away.

"Major!" I ran to catch up with her. "You could _die_. This is an extremely serious situation."

"I know what you're talking about, Lieutenant Meyer, and it's not a concussion. It's a...frequent occurrence."

"Does it happen as a result of adrenaline?"

"Maybe. Stop following me. You should be assessing the others too."

"I can only deal with one situation at a time. And you're concerning me the most."

"Goddammit, Lillia..." Tanya suddenly turned. She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me aside, where we were hidden from the others behind a tent. "Look, it's fine. I do it on purpose."

"You do _what_ on purpose?"

Tanya sighed. "The only way to do the things I do sometimes, is to make it so that I'm not worried at all. Okay? I dull my sense of fear and pain with magic, and trigger a sense of euphoria. It's efficient like you wouldn't believe. Sorry it scared you."

"Is this a normal thing for mages to do?!"

"...No. But I don't do 'normal' things that mages do. I have to go above and beyond sometimes. Do you understand?" She narrowed her eyes slightly.

I didn't know what to think. It was hard to let go of, but who was I to intrude on her battalion and start telling her to do things differently? No one in their right mind would question Tanya von Degurechaff in the first place. I'd have to let it go before I dug myself a hole any deeper. Still though, the whole thing felt so wrong to me as a concept.

How could it be safe to be in a euphoric state on the battlefield? Wouldn't it make you reckless?

"Please don't hurt yourself in the process of gaining an advantage..." was all I could think to say.

Tanya sighed and brushed a strand of hair from my face. My hair clip had fallen out at some point during flight, and now my bangs were hanging down in front of my eyes. I hadn't even noticed before now.

She ran her fingertips down my cheek and looked...defeated, somehow. Like she was contemplating something solemn. It was in this moment, for some reason, that I realized I'd never told her I loved her before. It never seemed like the right time. I'd never tell her until I could be sure she'd say it back to me.

"Lillia... Promise me you'll just let me do my job, okay? You know I won't get killed. I won't allow that to happen. And you'll be just fine too." Tanya paused for a moment. "Even if you're falling without a parachute, I'll catch you like I've done before."

I nodded, reaching up to touch her hand. I was kind of surprised that she would run the risk of someone seeing her like this, with her hands on the new lieutenant. It certainly was a risky pose.

We both heard footsteps. "Major? Major Degurechaff?"

My blood pumped full of adrenaline in half a second, and she stepped away just as Lieutenant Weiss stepped into our realm of view.

Tanya watched him with her arms crossed. "What do you need? I'm having a discussion with Lieutenant Meyer."

"It's about our strategy for next week's mobile strike mission. I didn't mean to interrupt. We can discuss it whenever you have time."

Tanya glanced over at me, then back to him. "Now is fine. We were done here. Head back to the fire for dinner, Meyer. You should have some conversations while you're at it. Might as well get to know the people who need you most. We're a team here." With that, she and Weiss walked off toward one of the larger tents, and I was suddenly alone.

-XXX-

Dinner didn't end up so bad. Tanya never joined us - maybe the major wasn't supposed to - but Viktoriya introduced me to some guys who were surprisingly accepting. They admitted, with some quiet laughter, that having a child for a leader was hard to get used to at first, but at this point they were too used to it to have been very phased by _my_ arrival.

"Prodigies are just starting to be more common these days, I guess..." one shrugged.

"Oh, I'm _not_ a prodigy," I laughed. "Just here by a wild set of circumstances." I gave them a watered-down explanation of how I became friends with Tanya, but didn't mention that it had anything to do with my placement on the battalion. In fact, to realize how my position in this elite squad was almost a direct result of my desire to stay with her… It made me feel sort of bad. It's not that she got to choose me for the team, so I didn't get an unfair advantage in that way...but I still wondered if I'd cheated somehow. Maybe I didn't truly deserve to be here.

"Tell me this, though." One of them dropped his plastic spoon into his empty can of food and looked over at me seriously. "What made you join the military?"

I looked down. "Well, I get asked that a lot. But the short story is that I'm an orphan, and this hits three birds with one stone - food, shelter, and money."

"Maybe four birds, even," Viktoriya said. "Friends too, right?"

I looked out at the men sitting around the fire. One had his hair tied up in a black ponytail; another had blond hair and distinct green eyes; a third was exceptionally tall, but built like a wall. The one thing they all had in common was a welcoming grin on their faces.

I chuckled quietly. "Yeah, that's true."


	20. Lightning Strikes

It didn't take me too long to get used to the battalion lifestyle. Training prepared me fairly well, but the truth is, I think it was just hard to break my will with Tanya around. If we'd had a particularly exhausting day, or I was shaken up about something, Tanya would call me over to speak privately. I think the others would take pity on me because they thought I was being reprimanded for not staying strong. But the truth was, she would shut the opening of the tent and take my head in her hands and tell me that everything was okay.

The first time she did this was just after the time an enemy mage had landed on my plane and grabbed me from behind. I remember how scared I was when he wrapped one arm around me, across my chest. How his gloved fingers curled around my left shoulder. How he'd put a knife to my throat and had just begun to slide it across my larynx when Tanya took his head clean off with her bayonet.

His whole body dropped down into the cockpit, and I let out a strangled scream. Blood was pouring out over the collar of my jumpsuit, burning hot against the cold air. I didn't feel the pain at first, but I didn't try to speak. I just looked to Tanya for help.

Her eyes were slightly narrowed, but I could see the horror spilling out across her face.

Okay, okay. I wasn't dead yet. It had been several seconds and I wasn't dead yet. He hadn't actually cut into my - hadn't cut-

"Land the plane," Tanya commanded.

My hands were shaking like crazy. I just glanced down at them, then back to her.

"Put your hands on the goddamn controls and land the plane!" She yelled. "I'll help with the wound. Just hurry up."

That was, admittedly, a good idea. She threw me back down into my seat, pushed the enemy mage's body out of the plane, and rummaged through my medical bag.

I executed a mediocre landing while Tanya held handfuls of gauze to my throat. It was a dripping, fumbling, trembling mess the whole way down.

Once we'd stumbled back to camp, I was able to look in a mirror and confirm that it _had_ just been a flesh wound after all. No damage to my larynx, trachea, or carotid arteries. My hands were still shaking wildly, but I managed to give myself a few less-than-decent stitches and cover the cut with gauze.

Later that evening, Tanya called me into her tent to speak alone.

I staggered inside and took a few shaky steps before turning toward her. When I did, she was inches from my face. She slid her fingertips up my cheeks and wove her hands through my hair.

I broke down and began to cry. I really tried to hold it back, but all the adrenaline and exhaustion and starvation and pain and fear all came rushing to the core of my chest at once when she touched me, and the tears began to pour out.

"Shh." She set her forehead to mine. "Lillia. You're _alive_."

I couldn't speak - I was sobbing at this point - so I just nodded my head.

"I told you I'd never let you die, didn't I?"

 _Yes. Yes, you told me that._

I couldn't seem to choke up the words, though. Each sob was causing blood to start to flow through my stitches - I could feel it saturating the bandages. Tanya just stood with me while I cried.

This was one of the times that I appreciated her more than ever. For someone who didn't consider some people to be "worth her time", she really _was_ patient when it came to me. And it lifted my spirits to know that.

I didn't cry again after that incident. At least, not during our time in the North. I'll admit, though, that as used to it as I was, I didn't like the military life. I didn't have a clue how Tanya lived out her days that way. I guess...she _didn't_ , really. If something got too scary, chances got too slim, or a battle even felt hopeless, she could stop herself from being bothered at all, and pump herself full of artificial motivation. This left another set of instances for me to wish I had been born a mage. But alas, "God" didn't give that to me. I still didn't believe in him anymore.

-XXX-

One day, the sky was horribly dark when we woke up. A murky cloud cover was completely blocking out all sunlight, and the air was dense with humidity.

"We'll get some rain today," Tanya sighed. She stood with her hands behind her back, looking out at the clouds as we finished gearing up for combat. "My guess is it'll thunderstorm. This will be dangerous. Normally, mages - and especially pilots - don't challenge weather like this." She glanced over at me. "Nonetheless, we are not normal mages, and we do not have a normal pilot, either. They say we learn best by doing, so let's make sure to do this right today."

"Are we running the risk of getting struck by lightning?" Grantz asked.

Tanya squinted at him. "You run the risk everyday of getting mowed down by artillery. What's the real difference when you add a little thunder and lightning?"

He winced, as if it physically hurt to be given a cold look by the major, and gazed down at his feet.

"We've always come out victorious, because you are all the best of the best," Tanya said in her most noble voice, pacing across the ground before her battalion. "We're not going to let today be any different."

-XXX-

It began to rain as my plane took off into the sky, and I watched Tanya's small silhouette rise into the air, cast into blackness as a huge bolt of lightning lit up the sky behind her. It was mid-morning, but everything was _so_ dark. I had a terrible feeling in the core of my gut, and I suddenly wished I had suggested we not fly today.

I was trying to remain strong for the group. I knew that a soldier should be ready to lay down her life if she had to, and that meant being courageous in any given scenario. But I was morbidly afraid of thunderstorms, and I think I had a pretty damn good reason for it.

Maybe Tanya would have said something to me prior to the mission, had she known. But the Empire had a very mild climate, and we'd only ever seen one serious storm at the war college. I hadn't even had the courage to pick myself up and go to Tanya's dorm at the time. I just hid under my bed as the rolls of thunder rattled the windows.

I never mentioned it to her. I had been such a coward.

Today - today I would have to be different. My throat was tight with fear as I knew I was flying straight up into the stom. My heart was beating in my ears. I felt the scar across my throat with the tips of my fingers, wondering if I would leave this battle with worse injuries than even that.

 _Why_ hadn't I suggested we not fly today? Tanya probably wouldn't have listened to me, but I hadn't even tried.

It wasn't until we saw the enemy mage companies off in the distance, as if their figures were forming out of the mist.

It'd been nearly three years ago, when the wind was acting just like this and the rain was building up to pour down from the clouds in exactly the same way. The thunder was echoing and lightning hit the horizon in huge bursts.

I could suddenly see myself back in my family's cottage. The one I'd only lived in for a few months before my old life had been completely destroyed.

I could feel the electricity on my skin, the crackle of the air, and then-

 _BOOM!_ The lightning struck.

The sound of wood twisting, churning, smoldering, breaking.

My hands clamped over my ears. My legs curled up to my chest.

The ring of my ears, the beams breaking from above, _the animalistic screams-_

I came back to reality with a start.

Tanya glanced over her shoulder at me. I quickly readjusted my position so that I was aligned again with the wings of the V-shape. As soon as things were back to normal and I was sucking in a shaky breath to regain my composure, the stormclouds finally gave out. The rain came first in small droplets that seeped into my hair and my jumpsuit, and quickly intensified to a full downpour that soaked me to the bone. It was getting a little hard to see, but I used the glow of the mages' equipment as guidelines.

This was a mission to push back an enemy company that was reportedly about to cross the Empire's border. Often times Tanya's 203rd Aerial Mage Battalion was sent off on serious, game-changing missions. But on days like today - which Tanya referred to as "slow" days - we performed defensive attacks.

There were about twice as many enemies as us, but these types of things didn't tend to make the battalion nervous. They were all so skilled, and they knew they had dealt with more, when there were higher stakes.

I saw Tanya raise an arm in signal, and everyone - save for me - raised their guns.

The rain of blood and hellfire took off at full force. Our V-formation broke, and enemies mixed in with the brothers of our battalion. One mage flew right past my plane, through the edge of my periphery. I knew it was too large a body to be Tanya, so I ducked down low. Another came surging overhead, raining a barrage of magically-charged bullets down toward my plane. This was a fairly common, however energy-draining, spell. I tilted the plane starboard-down and hit the accelerator to dodge.

Quickly re-angling the plane, I hoisted my rifle up onto my shoulder and turned. The mage had begun to pursue. His rifle was still charged with magic energy. I waited for him to be just a bit closer... _closer..._

 _BOOM!_

No…

 _BOOM!_

He went down with my second shot, body tumbling forevermore into the fog below.

Not the first man I'd killed, and certainly not the last.

I settled back down into my seat, threw the rifle down on the floor of the cockpit, and set my hands back to steering.

I was, unfortunately, still working to desensitize myself to the concept of causing death. In times like these, the only thing I could do was choke down my nausea and try to focus on the task at hand.

"Lillia..." I sighed to myself, whipping my rain-soaked bangs out of my face. " _Stronger,_ Lillia."

There was work to be done. Bullets to be fired. Lightning strikes to be avoided.

I hit the accelerator again - this battle wasn't nearly over yet.


	21. Trust Fall - Reprise

My plane surged forth into the chaos.

As I drew closer and closer to danger, I couldn't help but imagine what I looked like from an outside perspective. A white plane in the middle of a black sky - the symbol of the iron cross painted proudly across each wing. A tiny body sitting in the cockpit.

The brown hair whipped back by the wind. The bulky black goggles on my face. The stiffness of every joint in my body.

 _Do I look like I belong here?_

Surely not.

But does anyone look like they belong in the midst of war?

I looked down at the black leather gloves on my hands. My surgical gloves were tucked away in the medical bag by my feet.

 _I wanted to be a biologist._

Did I remember that?

I took a breath and looked back up just in time to catch a glimpse of Tanya's figure in the midst of the madness. A lot of the battle had been nearly instantaneous. Not many of the enemies remained, but there was one that seemed to be in close combat with Tanya.

She knocked the rifle out of his hand and he retreated slightly. Her bayonet swiped across him in a straight line and - I think - cut the hand that he held up to shield the blow. The enemy soldier took advantage of the inertia of her swing and grabbed the barrel of her gun in his hands. His strength overpowered hers and ripped it away.

I bit my lip and tipped the nose of my plane downward, straining the accelerator to its limit. I wasn't sure what I was going to do exactly, but I had to help her somehow.

I watched these events continue to unfold as I approached. The one soldier had such fury to his glowing eyes - an expression so powerful, only Tanya would be capable of rivalling it. Soon, I was close enough to see that she was holding her knife, slashing at him cautiously. They flew around each other in a game of bluffs and fast thinking. He had the longer blade - her bayonet - not to mention her rifle itself.

" _TAN-YAAA!_ " I screamed. She glared up as she pulled her body away from him, avoiding another slash. I hoped she would understand what I was trying to do. If she could jump on my plane at the right time -

She glanced up at me and yelled something. " _YOUR-_ " But I couldn't understand the rest. The rain drowned it all out. I passed by - close enough for her to have taken the opportunity - but she didn't. She didn't want to back down from the fight.

" _-GUN! YOUR G-_ " A roll of thunder boomed, but I got the picture. I passed overhead again and hoped to God she would see it falling. Without so much more to secure my success than fear of failure, I chuckled my rifle into the air, sending it flying down toward Tanya and the enemy soldier.

My aim hadn't been perfect. She had to turn around and fly a second to catch it, putting her back to her opponent. He followed fast behind her.

I could see it all playing out like slow-motion. She knew that gun was her best bet, knew there were no better options, knew that if only I'd just thrown a little _better-_

 _BOOM!_

Her body jerked in mid-air. I panned my gaze back in horror toward the enemy mage. Her rifle was raised up on his shoulder, and he was glaring down the sights. That wasn't the only shot he took, either. He shot again, again, _again_ , **_again._**

Tanya dodged most of the others, one more hitting her in - well, I couldn't tell where. There was so much going on, and it was too far away.

Wait, there was one positive thing. However precariously she'd grabbed it, the barrel just barely dangling between three of her fingers, Tanya had caught my rifle. She turned as she hoisted it up on her shoulder, all in one fluid movement, and shot him at first opportunity. The mage took a hit, then another, and another. She was a better shot than him. A true goddess with a gun. If only I'd thrown it to her better.

My face seemed to have frozen in some sort of grimace of horror. I was too shocked to react in any other way. I didn't even call anything out to her. Just tipped my plane down one more time to see if she would finally take the invitation for a ride. There were still a few enemies to be taken care of, sure, but Tanya was twice wounded.

I outstretched a hand to her, and to my relief, she grabbed onto it. I pulled her up into the cockpit with me just as a bolt of lightning lit up the sky. It gave me a split second to see the blood seeping through her already-soaked jumpsuit. One hole near her pelvis, another...it was right about in the center of her torso. She opened her mouth and said something to me, but it was too soft over the sound of the storm. I sat her down in the passenger seat.

"I'm going to land this plane!" I yelled. "You understand?"

Tanya shook her head. "I'm not done-"

"Oh God." A rush of blood came gushing forth as I unzipped her jacket. The equipment strapped to her waist was blocking me from getting very close to the other wound. I set the plane steering to straight forward and reached into my medical bag, changing out my gloves as fast as I could. I turned back toward Tanya with a roll of gauze. It was so frustrating - every time I unrolled a strip, it would fold over on itself and stick together in the rain.

"Lillia, stop-"

"Hell no!" I struggled to wrap it around her, straight over her clothes, just for the sake of getting some pressure on the wound. I pulled it around as tight as I could, but it was a half-assed job.

I blamed so many things at once as the rain poured down around us. The system, the man who shot the bullets, the war, the Empire, the quality of my training, _myself..._ But all of my anger did nothing. It didn't open Tanya's eyes any wider when they began to struggle to stay open.

"Lillia... I've seen that man before...in my training...the ambush."

I only half-listened to her. She began to speak again, but a mouthful of blood came spilling forth instead. It got all over my jumpsuit and hers. "Tanya... _Fuck._ Stay with me, Tanya."

She nodded slowly, but her computation jewel stopped glowing, and so did her eyes. From what little knowledge I'd picked up around the battalion, a lack of magic flow meant one of two things: she was either out of energy, or out of consciousness.

If I wanted to save her, I needed to get down to camp. _Now._

Then.

I began to feel it. My whole body turned a thousand times colder than the rain could ever make me feel.

A sort of... _static_ , to the air. What was my plane made of again? Metal?

"No." I grabbed Tanya by the shoulders. What was I going to do?

My hair stood on end. There was a certain unnerving sizzle to the rainy air.

Seconds. There were seconds to act. I had to go.

 _Click. Click. Click._

As if the air were tsking its tongue at me. As if it thought I was helpless. As if the same tragedy would happen to me twice. As if "God" would never allow me a happy ending.

I decided to defy him.

Standing up, I used every bit of strength I could muster and lifted Tanya's body in my arms. With that, I turned myself against the edge of the cockpit, leaned backward, and let us freefall out.

I faced the sky as we fell. The air lit up with white-hot energy and, like the sound of a thousand guns firing at once, my little airplane exploded into a deafening burst of electricity and fire.

As the flash dissipated, I could just barely make out the bolt of lightning that hit it. My vision was muted by the brightness, but I was pretty sure Tanya turned her face down into my shoulder. She held on as tight as she could.


	22. Malo Mori Quam Foedari

My parachute landed us relatively smoothly, and we collapsed as soon as we hit the ground. My arms were exhausted from holding onto Tanya, and I didn't imagine she had enough energy to hold herself up, so we just found ourselves lying there.

The parachute fell on top of us, forming a shield from the outside world, if only for a moment.

"Tanya, are you...?"

"...Y-yeah. I'm here."

We were both so chilled to the bone from the storm, that her blood felt burning hot against my body. The only other time I'd felt a sensation like this was when my own throat had been slit. The day I thought _I_ was going to die. And yet, this felt entirely different. A thousand times more terrible - more helpless - more fucked up, to me.

"Tanya..." I choked. My throat was so tight, but I couldn't bring myself to cry. My eyes were simply not allowing it.

"Hm...?"

"I love you."

"...Why right now?"

"I don't know if this is my last chance to say it or not."

I heard something reminiscent of a scoff. It was pitch black under this parachute, with the rain pouring down around us. "Lillia...you're just so stupid."

"What?"

She almost chuckled. It came out sounding kind of strangled. "You shouldn't love me."

"Tanya-"

"I-I..." she coughed, "...am the salaryman."

I shook my head. I thought she was delirious from the blood loss. The lack of oxygen to her brain. It made me so sad, all I could think to do was hug her close.

Just then, the parachute was lifted from above us. It was two of the battalion men!

And here I was, grasping on tight to their fearless leader, who was half-dead and delirious. What a sight we must have been.

They began to throw questions at us left and right, one helping me up while the other picked up Tanya in his arms. They were probably asking things like "what happened to the major?" or "are you hurt?" or "where is she hit?!" but I didn't actually hear a single one.

Under my command, Tanya was set down in the medical tent as soon as we reached the campsite. The men holding her put her down on my medical table and took a few steps back.

As I was pulling out all of my tools, I heard the other mages begin to land.

"We took the rest out," I heard Weiss's voice. That relieved me a bit.

"Where's the major?" Viktoriya's voice next.

"In there. She's hurt."

A few gasps. "How bad?" Viktoriya asked.

Silence.

"How bad?!"

"...Bad."

The tent opening was thrown open and I heard Viktoriya's boots behind me. She froze in place. Surely, she could see the way Tanya's head rolled limply over her shoulders. And all of the blood.

"M-major...!"

I glanced over my shoulder. She was covering her mouth with her hands.

"V...iktori...ya." Tanya forced a hint of a grin.

"What happened?!" She rushed up to the side of the table as I pulled Tanya's flight equipment off.

"Two gunshots. She's vomited blood so it's a sucking chest wound. Haven't gotten a chance to evaluate the abdominal one yet." I pulled the zipper at her collar down and unbuttoned her military uniform underneath as fast as possible. Not sparing any more time, I grabbed a scalpel and cut straight down the front of her undershirt.

"What's going to happen to her...?!"

I patted Tanya's chest. She winced. "...Collapsed lung. Goddammit... I need to seal this cavity..."

"Meyer?!"

"I don't _know!_ " I wanted so badly to sob, but I just couldn't. I wouldn't be able to operate if I couldn't see through the tears.

"Find me a waterproof occlusive dressing. Looks like a waxy band-aid." I pointed toward a bag sitting on one of the tables to my right.

Viktoriya nodded and threw stuff out across the table until she had finally found it. She handed it to me and I applied some hydrogen peroxide to the wound before covering it with the occlusive dressing.

Tanya's eyes were rolling back into her head, and her face was slick with sweat. I brushed her bangs back.

Viktoriya leaned forward, chewing on her lip.

I hesitated for a moment, watching her face, then took my hand back and started on the second wound.

Examining the bullet hole, I could just barely identify the top of her large intestine. Thank God it hadn't been ripped open.

"I need gauze and petroleum jelly."

Viktoriya picked a roll of gauze off the table and handed it to me. She ran out for some Vaseline while I sterilized the wound with more hydrogen peroxide.

"Fuck..." she winced. I could only imagine the the visceral pain of her insides being exposed to an acid.

"I'm sorry. Please stay with me." I ran my fingers through her hair. "Everything will be okay." I lowered my voice slightly. "...I love you."

"I...am the salaryman..."

I shook my head. "I love you."

"...HR...manager..."

I had no idea what she was talking about at this point. She was clearly fading into some delusion.

Viktoriya came bursting back in with a small container of Vaseline. I took it from her and scooped some out onto my gloved fingers before spreading it across a strip of gauze. Then I pressed that to Tanya's abdominal wound. I covered that with some more gauze and wound it around her body.

"Lillia..."

I leaned down. "What?"

" _Don't-_ " Her arm shot up suddenly, grabbing my sleeve. Her eyes were open fully. "D-don't..."

"What?" I leaned in a little closer.

"...Love me anymore."

"You're delirious, Tanya."

"I'm not who you think I am..."

"You're in shock. Your body is experiencing exsanguination-"

"Being X! I won't come back..." Her arm dropped, and her eyelids drooped again.

I slammed my fist against the medical table. "If _only!_ I could've flown us back to a hospital, but my plane is destroyed..."

"Your plane?!" Viktoriya looked at me in confusion.

"It was struck down by lightning."

She just stared at me, open-mouthed in horror.

"Can you get the Logistics Department on telephone? Please?!" My voice cracked.

Viktoriya nodded. "What do I ask for?"

"A plane to the nearest hospital. It's an emergency."

She nodded again. "I'll go immediately. But, Meyer."

I waited.

"You did a good job. It's up to God now."

I shook my head. "If God ever existed, he's most certainly dead."


	23. Provisional

"...What…?"

I lifted my head from the comforter and looked around. Had I fallen asleep here? In a chair beside the hospital bed? That seemed to be the case. Something had woken me up, but what was it?

"L...Lillia?"

I looked up with wide eyes, and a smile broke across my face.

Tanya gave me a groggy, confused expression. She lifted her hand slowly to inspect the IV drip in it, then looked back to me. Things seemed to be slowly coming back to her.

"Welcome back to the world, 'salaryman'..." I chuckled.

Her eyebrows suddenly furrowed in concern. "What did I say while I was…?"

I waved it off. "Don't worry. You just mumbled nonsense."

She sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "So… I let myself get hit, huh?"

"No. I'm the one to blame. I tried to help and ended up getting you shot."

She scoffed. "I'd met that soldier before. The battle that earned me my assault badge...that was against him and his mage company."

I raised my eyebrows. "Seriously? He _did_ seem like he had it specifically out for you. I'd never seen someone so angry in my entire life."

There was a silence between us.

Tanya reached out her hand, palm up. It took me a moment to understand what she wanted, but I eventually set my hand down in hers. She brought it up to her lips and kissed it.

"Thank you."

"I just-"

"I wouldn't be alive now if you hadn't done the things you did."

I looked down.

"Were you afraid?"

"Hm?"

"The lightning strike."

My eyes widened. I hadn't thought she'd relate this to the story I told about my family. Maybe she _did_ know.

"..."

"Well?"

"I fucking hate thunderstorms."

She chuckled. "Figured as much."

I continued to stare down at the bed sheets. It wasn't until now that all of the stress from before began to rush up into my throat. A choking noise escaped my lips.

"Lillia?"

A sob came tumbling out, and then the tears followed suit. She was still holding onto my right hand, and I added my left one on top of hers, so that I was holding her hand in both of mine. Another sob came out. I couldn't stop them as they came.

"Oh, come on now." She wiped my tears away with her one free hand. "You're a soldier. Stay strong."

"I _am_ strong," I choked. "But I-I need to cry."

I peeked up at her. She was smiling a little bit. "Come closer."

I leaned in farther forward, until our heads were less than a foot apart.

Tanya pulled her hand out of my grip and touched her fingers to either side of my face. With that, she leaned in and kissed me.

-XXX-

The 203rd Mage Battalion was put on a temporary hiatus until Tanya fully recovered. The Personal Affairs Department of the General Staff Office also informed Tanya that she should work on recruiting a few more members in the meantime. Apparently, it hadn't gone over well that she'd been injured during a battle against a company twice as large as our own. So, the higher-ups decided to allow more manpower to the battalion.

On one particularly sunny morning, I was in Tanya's room. We both sat on her bed as I looked over her wounds.

"They're definitely going to leave noticeable scars...but I don't imagine that really bothers you." I set the bandages back into place and she lowered her undershirt.

"No. They're under my clothes anyway. The only one who'll see them is you." She tipped my chin up with two of her fingers. "You've got some scars yourself, y'know."

I moved back and felt my throat. My fingers ran over the thin, raised line - a reminder of the day it was nearly sliced open. "Suppose I do, huh?"

Suddenly, Tanya hopped off the bed and pulled me along with her by the hand. "So," she intertwined our fingers and set her other hand on my hip, as if we were dancing. "It's nice being on a break from battle, isn't it?"

"You're noticeably happier," I smiled.

"It's much less stress." She swayed her body, and all of a sudden we were actually dancing to some extent, shuffling our feet across the floor, moving side to side. It was amazing that she was doing this, with her wounds and all. "Someday, we will work in the rear echelons together, and I won't have to worry about battle scars messing up your lovely skin."

I rolled my eyes. "Someday, the whole war will be over at your hands. And you'll be crowned the empress."

"Pfft." She gave me a half-lidded expression. "And you'll be my lovely wife, right?"

"Right," I chuckled. "That'll be in the future, when the whole 'girls liking girls' thing isn't so weird."

Tanya scoffed. "Don't get your hopes up. That kind of change won't be seen during our lifetime."

"How do you know for sure?"

She shook her head. "Trust me."

"Well, if you were really empress, you could normalize it. Change the way people think about it."

She smirked. " _Maybe._ Oh, Lillia, that reminds me." Tanya pulled away from the dance and picked her uniform jacket off the bed. She threw that on over her undershirt and began to button it up. "I have to interview a potential addition to the battalion today. It's rather interesting, because he apparently has a similar mana signature to my own."

"Oh, really?" I grabbed my peaked cap from the dresser and dusted it off slowly. "A mana signature is your amount of magic power, right?"

She nodded. "In layman's terms, yes. He scores impressively well on magic power evaluations. From what I'm told, the extent of his power has the potential to rival mine."

My eyes widened. "Whoa. Do you want to let him on the battalion?"

"If he's all he's talked up to be, then he'd be a great addition. Of course, it makes _me_ less of a shining star among the higher-ups."

"Well, you said he only has the potential to rival you. That doesn't mean he's actually as good, right?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I haven't met him yet, Lillia. But if he was so powerful, you'd think we would have heard his name before."

I nodded. "Well good luck. Let me know how it goes." I pecked her on the cheek.

Tanya snickered. "That's all I get, huh?"

All of a sudden, she'd pulled the hat out of my hands and set it back down on the dresser. My hands were taken from me, and she backed me up against a wall.

"Do your wounds not hurt?" I laughed.

"Oh, they _do_." She leaned in until her head was leaning against mine. "I've been muting the pain through magic."

"Well be careful. They need to heal right. Maybe it'd be safer to know when they hurt."

"Maybe it's safer not to love you," she fired back. "But here I am."

I smiled. "Wait...you love me?"

Tanya didn't respond. I listened for a moment to the sound of her soft breathing, and the feel of her breath hitting my skin. She smelled minty fresh, like toothpaste.

Eventually, she tilted her head and kissed my lips slowly.

I pushed my body into hers, drawing my back off the wall. Her hands dropped off of my wrists, and I managed to grab her shoulders and push her down into a sitting position on the side of the bed. Suddenly, we looked exactly as we used to back in the dorms of the war college. Back when we were a bit younger. Back before life got so serious.

Eventually, Tanya pulled out of the kiss and took a breath of air. "It's been quite a while since we were truly alone. I can do whatever I want to you now."

She reached for the top button of my jacket, but I pushed her hand back down. "We were just heading out, weren't we? There are things to do."

Tanya scoffed. "Look who thinks she's in charge, just because she saved my life once."

I chuckled as I stood up, smoothing out my uniform. "It's not like that. You've saved my life before too, so we're even."

"Still." Tanya got up too. She grabbed my hat off the dresser and handed it back to me. "...You've only been on the battalion for what? Six months? And look how different you already are. Your soul is so malleable, isn't it?"

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "Maybe I'm just growing up. I'm nearly sixteen now, so that's what happens. And you are too, but...you already have an old soul, so there isn't much that's had to change."

She shrugged. "It's sort of sad, actually. When I met you, you were so innocent. So blushy, and pure, and - you've always been taller than me, but you acted so small. And now…" She chuckled to herself. "You're wearing a Luftstreitkräfte badge."

I glanced down at the silver brooch on the left side of my chest. My imperial air force wings.

"Hey, don't forget about this, though." I pointed to the band around my left sleeve with a red cross on it. "I'm here to heal. Not kill people. You could...almost think of that as preserving some of my innocence, if you really wanted to."

Tanya shook her head. "Don't be ridiculous. You shoot bullets at men, just like me and the others. We're all the same now. It's just too bad you didn't get to to stay up on your little white pedestal."

I scoffed. "Maybe it's just the times. No one can stay young and innocent during the War to End All Wars. Either way, you can't really blame me for changing, right? In the end, I'll still be your Lillia."

Tanya paused for a second. "Well, that's right. You'll always be _my_ Lillia. And tonight, _my_ Lillia, I want to see you back in this room. I'd like to make sure you remember just _who_ it is you are."

I smirked back. A challenge, eh? She wanted to put me in my place. We'll see about that.

"Alright, try me. I'll see you tonight."

With that, we went our separate ways for the day.


	24. Inadvertence

_A/N: GUYS! I'm back! Sorry for the unintentional hiatus. I've been in a bit of a rut lately. Luckily, I finally figured out how I'm going to continue this story! I'm super excited to be back to it._

 _Here's to new ideas and a new chapter!_

* * *

That evening, I walked back to Tanya's room with a spring in my step. Everything was going just wonderfully. I felt truly lucky. I was alive, Tanya was alive, Viktoriya, Grantz, Weiss...we were all alive, despite the odds.

And not only were we all alive, but things were going well. I loved others and was loved by others. I had even found a satisfactory place for myself in the world. Well, I never would have pictured myself working on the front lines of the war, but...that was okay. I was happy.

Besides, we still had some time before we'd be deployed again.

just as I stepped up to the door and was about to give it a knock, Tanya seemed to appear out of nowhere behind me.

"Oh, Lillia."

I turned.

She looked...off-kilter. Her eyebrows were furrowed in a way I that I couldn't seem to interpret. The expression was somewhere between confusion and concern. "I'm a bit late, aren't I." She stepped past me and unlocked the door.

I followed her inside. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Tanya began to shake her head before I even finished the sentence. "Nothing. It doesn't even matter."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "It's making you upset. Of course it matters."

She just continued to shake her head, not looking me in the eye as she set down her rifle and hat. "It'd be a waste of time to talk about. Idiotic."

I grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around to face me. "Tanya! Please. You've never acted like this before. Just tell me what's going on."

She sighed. "Alright, fine. I met the recruit today. The one I was talking about this morning."

I let go of her, and she folded her hands behind her back, turning toward the window.

"His name is Lukas F. Richter."

I came up beside her and put my hands on the glass, looking up at the sunset-dyed clouds.

"He has very impressive abilities, so he's going on the battalion. I'm sure he'll make it past the recruitment training."

"What's the problem? Are you still worried about his power being greater-"

"Not exactly."

"Then...what?"

She sighed. "It's trivial. I shouldn't have brought it up."

"It's not dumb if it bothers you. Seriously."

Tanya was silent. When she spoke again, her voice was quiet. "...I didn't get the best first impression of him."

"What do you mean?" I knew something about this man was much worse than she was letting on. Tanya was, first of all, fairly detached in terms of emotion, and second of all, not phased by things like crude comments. If she felt something was unprofessional she would tear it out of a new recruit, right there on the spot. So, maybe this was more than something he _said_ during the interview. What could this Richter guy have possibly-

"It's fine. I'll just whip some sense into him as soon as I become his superior. I would love to reject him for the position, but Operations is quite fond of him and Personal Affairs is eager to lock him in. I don't _actually_ have a choice. It's what the higher-ups prefer."

I wished she would just tell me what it was she was dealing with. It _did_ sound like a big deal, but not a big enough one to disturb her this much. There was something worse that had happened. _Somethin_ g she wasn't telling me.

This Richter guy had sparked a twinge of anger in my chest, which only grew as my mind scanned all the possibilities. Did he think he could push her around? Act however he wanted? Make her uncomfortable like this? Not only was Tanya Degurechaff undeserving of poor treatment, and _better_ than him in every way...

 _She was_ _ **mine.**_

"I'll destroy him if he gets in your way."

"Lillia..." She chuckled. "Stop."

"Seriously! I won't hesitate to take drastic measures. Maybe I'll request they rig artillery to my new plane. Then I could just mow him down if he makes a wrong move-"

"You're a field medic, Lillia. Besides, you can't just put in a request for that kind of thing."

"I'll sure as hell try," I chuckled, turning toward her. There was a brief silence. It seemed like she had already given me all the information she was willing to tell, so I'd just have to bring it back up later. "This is unrelated, but how are the wounds? Are you healing them as fast as you can with your magic?"

Tanya shook her head. "Not very much. I'd prefer for sick leave to last as long as possible."

"I don't blame you, but you should try to get well as soon as you can. Lowers the risk of dangerous infections."

Tanya pulled the window curtains shut tight and began to unbutton her jacket. "Well you can see them if you want. They look completely fine."

She slid her undershirt off as well. I sat her down on the bed and slowly unwrapped the bandages from around her torso.

"Yeah...the wound looks clean. Hasn't healed a whole lot, though. If you care about the cosmetic aspect of it, now would be an okay window of time for me to suture it shut. That would reduce the scarring. However, an open wound tends to actually do better with fending off infection, because bacteria can be more easily removed, whereas it could potentially get trapped underneath sutures."

Tanya shrugged. "I'd rather not die, so just go with the safest option."

"Then I'll leave it. Good decision." I carefully put the bandage back on. After that, I got to work removing her belt so I could see the abdominal wound better. I pulled the waistband of her pants down a little and removed the second set of bandages. "Yep, this one is fine too. That's good."

Tanya was now only wearing a sports bra and her unfastened uniform pants.

I smiled and ran my fingers up her bare side, and she shivered at the sensation. "It's amazing how light and flawless your skin is, despite everything you do."

She scoffed. "What a strange thing to say."

"I guess." My fingers traced each rib bone slowly.

Tanya smirked. "I didn't mean to ruin the mood when I stomped in here. I'd still like to..." She reached a hand up and undid the first button of my jacket.

I raised my eyebrows. "With those wounds? They're still serious. What if you put too much pressure or stress on them?"

"I'll feel it, of course. And then I'll stop."

I lowered my eyelids in a deadpan expression. "That's a lie. You're muting your sense of pain. I remember you telling me that."

She slumped her shoulders. "Okay, yes. But if I'm in pain, how am I supposed to get into it with you?"

I was silent. "...If it's for the sake of your health, we shouldn't bother with the risk-"

"Lillia, come on." Tanya grabbed me by the waist, and before I knew it I'd been pulled down into her lap. I really didn't fit that well, being a little bit proportionally larger than her, but Tanya didn't seem to care.

"It doesn't take abdominal muscles to stick my fingers-"

" _Tanya!_ " I chuckled. "Alright. I get it. But we're going to do this my way, because I know what will and won't worsen the injuries."

She sighed. "Honestly... You being a doctor has been both a blessing and a curse. You'll save me when I'm dying, but..." She placed a kiss on my cheek. "...you're not an easy fuck."

I was taken aback. "That doesn't have much to do with me being a doctor!"

"Whatever." I was suddenly thrown off her lap, onto my back on the bed. Tanya was suddenly sitting on her knees, leaning over me.

"H-hey, careful! I don't want you to hurt yourself."

" _Relax_. My wounds will be fine. If they actually do get worse, I'll just put in a little extra magic and regenerate them to the way they were before. Deal?"

I was skeptical, but I didn't get a chance to offer my opinion before she kissed my lips. Her hands continued working to unbutton my uniform jacket.

I kissed her back, trying to decide what to do with my hands. I didn't want to put them on her shoulders or the front of her body near her wounds, so I just weaved my fingers through her hair. The back of it was put up in a high ponytail, but she had shorter layers that hung down around the front and sides.

Eventually, she got my entire jacket undone and I lifted my body up slightly so that she could pull it off.

"Dammit... We wear so many layers of clothes," She snickered, working quickly on my undershirt. I sat up, forcing her to lean back onto her knees again, and then finished taking it off myself. As soon as that was dealt with, she tried to push me down onto my back for the second time.

"Oh, no. I pushed back up, and - deciding her shoulders were a safe place to grab after all - turned the tables on her.

Tanya seemed shocked, to say the least, that _she_ was suddenly the one on her back.

I smirked. "You can't hurt yourself if you just lie there."

"Oh, c'mon. That's no fun."

"We've done it like this before. That wasn't any fun?"

Tanya shrugged. "It was fine. I liked the first time the best, though. When _I_ had all of the control."

At least she was honest. I scoffed and began to pull down one of the straps of her sports bra. "Yeah, well the first time, I was so sore I could barely walk straight for a whole day. _And_ you left me with all those hickies."

"Hey, to be fair, you left me covered in scratches."

"You liked them."

"And you didn't like the hickies?"

We were both silent for a moment. A stalemate, huh?

I pulled down the other strap of her sports bra. Tanya scoffed and grabbed my shoulders, just as I'd done to her, and tried her best to pull me down again. I fought back, and both ended up on our sides. I began to laugh, and Tanya gave a sly grin that had just the slightest twinge of sheepishness.

"Are we ever going to make a compromise?"

She shrugged. "Just let me—"

"No." I reached down and tugged at the waistband of her pants, managing to get them about three quarters of the way down her thighs before she grabbed my hands and wrestled them down on either side of my head.

"Not so fast," she breathed.

I chuckled. "I love you, Tanya."

She smirked and kissed me again. It was a sloppy, fast-paced, intense sort of gesture. The way she forced her tongue through my lips felt very possessive all of a sudden, and a wave of adrenaline washed down my spine.

I broke my mouth away from hers. "H-hey—"

She tightened her grip on my hands and pushed them down a little harder, leaning over my body.

This was one of those moments when Tanya was able to make me feel negligibly small. I swallowed my spit and stared up at her eyes.

In the dim light, they were electric. And wide. She seemed to be panting slightly from the kiss a second ago.

"I'm going to be on top," she said. I wasn't going to be given a choice.

But this didn't scare me.

Tanya had power over me, Sure. A good amount of the time, I wouldn't even _think_ to disobey her orders. But right now, I had to remember something. No matter how small she made me feel...

I was bigger than Tanya.

I laughed again - it came out more feminine than I really wanted, but it was a good start - and I displayed my best ferocity through my next words.

"You can try, sweetheart."

She narrowed her eyes - well, actually, scratch that. She narrowed _one_ eye. It was an expression that seethed the word 'crazy', and I had only seen it a few times before - when she was on a magic-induced high. Thirsty for human blood.

The next thing I was aware of was the clash of her teeth against mine. Her tongue entered my mouth again, but I pushed against her to try and tip the scales. My arms struggled for freedom from her hands, but her grip was a vise.

I temporarily gave in, just to see what her end goal was. Tanya continued on until she had to pull away for air. In this moment, she dropped her guard slightly.

I decided to strike now.

Pushing against her grip, I managed to break free. Tanya was slightly surprised, and I took that chance to grab her shoulders and switch our places so that I was the one above her now.

Tanya sighed and gave me a look of slight irritation "Lillia."

"Tanya..." I smirked and tipped her chin up with two of my fingers. "You belong to _me_."

"You've got this all backwards."

"Well, then we belong to each other. How's that?"

She shrugged. "...Adequate, I suppose."

And for the time being, that was that.


	25. Lucifer

_A/N: Hey y'all, I'm back again - and with a pretty long chapter. I was gonna break this one into two, but couldn't decide on a stopping point. So uh... here's the whole thing! The story's gonna start getting updated a bit more frequently now since I have a pretty clear idea of how everything's gonna go - including how the story's going to end. So that's kind of exciting. I hope you enjoy the chapter!_

* * *

I never could have expected the events that played out the next day.

Tanya and I woke up before the sunrise to get ready for the first day of our temporary routine. Not only did the battalion need to keep training until we were back out on the field, but we now had a new group of members for Tanya to whip into shape before we were to head out again.

We lined on the platform of the meeting room - me, Tanya, Weiss, and Viktoriya. Tanya stood front and center; hands crossed formally behind her back, legs apart in a confident pose. With this unguarded stance, there was no sign of the injuries beneath her uniform. She radiated superiority.

And the way she lifted her chin and peered down from under the visor of her peaked cap...you could even catch a glimpse of a hickey if you looked hard enough. Courtesy of me.

Weiss stood at Tanya's left flank in a similar manner. Despite being a massive amount taller than her, he still didn't come close to her amount of confidence.

Viktoriya and I were a bit farther back on the right, standing next to each other. Weiss was a first lieutenant while Viktoriya and I were seconds, so these were our designated positions according to the pecking order.

Eventually, the corporals began to file in. Despite the time we'd waited for them, they moved quickly and with purpose. Not too bad of a start. After all, these men were preemptively vetted to be the best of the best.

I inspected each and every new face as they came in and formed neat lines. There were too many to expect to make an accurate guess at who was who, but I couldn't help scanning the crowd for the target of my interest: the man named Lukas F. Richter. Where could he be standing? Was he wearing a different expression than the others? Part of me seemed to believe that as soon as my gaze fell over him, I would know it was him. But every other part of me knew that was a ridiculous thing to believe.

"Good morning," Tanya started. "And welcome to the first day of what very well may be the rest of your life."

With this being the first day that the battalion was back together since we were deployed in the north, that voice of hers gave me a very unique feeling of remembrance.

It had barely been a month and a half since then, but it was long enough ago that the sound of Tanya's "commander" voice sent chills down my spine. I want to say they were good chills, somehow...but they were a mixture of " _oh God, this again"_ and " _yeah, that's my girl."_ Which is a pretty strange combination.

"Your spot on this battalion is an extremely elite position. So I expect everyone to treat it as such." She paced across the platform slowly, hands linked behind her back. "And, of course, if you defy my orders at any point, in _any way_ , the consequences won't be small."

A couple of the recruits looked on nervously. Most didn't. One or two actually looked pretty confident. I inspected this type carefully. There was one with crew-cut black hair, and another with ashy gray locks. A few others were scattered here and there. I guessed they were cocky because they were good at what they did. I mean, confidence and skill were both necessities to make it this far in the military career track. Unless you were just very, very lucky on occasion, like me.

After Tanya's speech, training kicked off immediately.

There was no time to go train in the North like we had done once before, so Tanya settled for using the training field on our current base. It wasn't much more than a massive, empty field, but it had rolling hills and solid ground, so it would do just fine.

There was a running path around the outside perimeter, but as it turns out, Tanya didn't plan to use it.

No, her idea was more along the lines designating each of us a 60-pound backpack to run up and down the hills with until we dropped. And no - I didn't stutter - 60 pounds. That was about half my body weight. Probably more.

Needless to say, the battalion was dropping like flies about twenty minutes in. It took me and this one other soldier more like ten, though.

I was panting so hard, my throat very well could have been bleeding. My stomach was churning with a terrible sourness and my tongue had long-turned to sandpaper. One more lap, I kept telling myself. One more lap. Then one more. And one more. Just don't be the first to drop.

But I already knew I would be. I was a non-mage, fifteen-going-on-sixteen-year-old girl. Proportionally, this backpack was heavier for me than anyone else here - except Tanya. But she would be able to support some of the weight through magic without breaking a sweat. Besides, she wasn't doing the activity with us in the first place.

"I see you slipping, Lillia!" I heard her voice from afar. But my ears were starting to ring, so I couldn't tell what direction the sound was coming from

I reached the end of the hill and turned on my heel a little too fast. I realized that was a bad idea as soon as the world began to fall away from me in a smear of black. I felt myself tumble and hit the ground. The backpack pulled me down fast and thudded down beside me like an anchor.

"You okay...?" I heard a voice behind me. It sounded equally exhausted. "I-I don't think I can...do this...either..."

I couldn't seem him, but I heard him set his backpack down beside my body and then drop down next to it.

A new set of footsteps rustled through the grass, then. Surely, it was Tanya.

"I expect better than this of a man selected for the V601 Battalion. As for you, Lillia... I am thoroughly unimpressed."

I did my best to mumble out an apology, but she didn't reply. Instead, she just grabbed hold of the front of my uniform and pulled me into a sitting position.

Next thing I knew, I was leaning against the wrought-iron fence that marked the border of the training ground. Tanya's hushed voice was mumbling something to me. I couldn't make out the words at such a low volume, but the fact that she wasn't using her commander tone anymore was comforting enough on its own.

"...your canteen?!"

Okay, those words were a bit sharper. I could make them out.

"Huh…?" I blinked a few times, and she began to come into focus.

Tanya was holding a canteen. Definitely mine - I could see " _L. Meyer"_ inked across it in my own terrible handwriting. It was upside-down without the cap - dry as a bone inside.

"You _really_ didn't fill your canteen this morning?"

"Guess not..."

"Stupid, stupid, _stupid_ , Lillia." Tanya pulled her own from where it hung by her hip. "It's a miracle I can stand the sight of an idiot like you." She unscrewed the cap and shoved it into my hands. "The only reason I'm letting you have this is because you look so pathetic right now that I'm worried it'll rub off on the new recruits."

I gave her a weak smile. "Thank you. Really."

"Just get yourself together." She set a hand on my shoulder and I felt her eyes soften up for a split second. But then she stood to her feet and it was back to work.

" _You_." As soon as she turned, she was pointing at the other soldier who had collapsed - and was now making his way over to the fence as well. "Meyer can fill you in on what happens to a soldier who can't handle training."

Tanya gave me a quick glance over her shoulder just then. It was accompanied by just the slightest motion toward him with her head. Then she was gone, back with the soldiers who could actually handle themselves.

I wasn't sure what that gesture was supposed to mean, though.

The newbie sat down next to me. "'Fill me in on what happens', huh? Looks like you get free water and a shady spot when you can't handle training. What does she expect me to be afraid of?" He scoffed and leaned his head back.

I furrowed my eyebrows and turned to look at the man. Up close, I could see he had really vibrant green eyes. His hair was a consistent sandy color from the roots to the tips. It almost matched his skin; his face was flushed with heat, but I could tell he was very pale.

"Major von Degurechaff is the most respectable superior you'll ever have. Trust me."

He gave a slight shrug. "Well, I don't know. She's the White Silver, I get that, but... giving us a time out? Any other commander would make us work until we're on the brink of death. But maybe this is just the type of punishment she's used to, being a little girl."

That made my blood boil with anger, but the feeling was soon replaced by frustration. How was I supposed to explain that she likely only gave us this break because of me...?

"I was just about unconscious. It's probably because I would've been an obstacle for the other soldiers to trip over if I stayed on the field."

There was a brief silence between me and Green Eyes.

"I think you're really underestimating the major."

"Okay, I get it."

More silence.

Eventually, he turned to me and gave a small sigh. "Hey, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Sorry about that."

I hesitated for a moment, but then forced up a polite smile. No point in trying to make enemies here. "It's okay." I glanced down at the canteen in my hands and then held it out to him in offering.

"I've got mine, but thanks," he said with a bit of a chuckle, pulling it off his hip and unscrewing the cap.

It was in that moment I realized I hadn't even drinken any water yet _myself_ , so I tipped it back and took a long swig. The coolness was incredibly energizing.

"Oh, and about the 'little girl' comment… sorry. I realize you're probably the same age as the commander."

"We're both fifteen, actually," I said. "Major von Degurechaff is a tiny bit older."

His eyes widened slightly. I saw something play on his lips - the start of a scoff or smirk, maybe. "My bad, then. I guess neither one of you is all that young after all. The commander is just small."

I laughed nervously. Just another day or two on the battalion, and he wouldn't speak about her so casually anymore. She was such a feared and respected figure that most people were too afraid to even gossip about her. You never knew when she could be standing right behind you with her rifle poised and ready. I could still remember the incident from so long ago - just one blunt slam and my body had _crumpled_ -

Okay... I'll admit it. Even _I_ held a little bit of fear in my heart for Tanya. Not on a private basis - when she was mature and kind and protective of me. But the version of her that she became when at work - when striving to achieve something that she _wanted..._

 _That_ Tanya sent shivers down my spine.

I should get back on topic, though. Green Eyes was certainly interesting. A little aggravating in his naivete, but friendly. So I decided I'd try to enjoy his company...

Despite all of the awkward silence. I didn't know how to reply to his comment about Tanya, and I was feeling pretty urgent to close up that particular conversation.

"What drove you to apply for the V601 Battalion?" I asked suddenly.

He shrugged. "Well, I'm a mage, of course. It's not too hard to get yourself on an elite career track if you have the mana to show for it, so I went ahead and looked into some assignments I could apply for that would be really prestigious. This battalion's been all the rage in the papers and stories. Plus, Tanya von Degurechaff is a bit of a military superstar. Everyone's heard of her. It looks pretty good if my name and hers get written on some of the same documents."

"Oh, really?" I thought back to Erich from pilot training. It's true that Tanya did have people who really admired her. People who she didn't even know. The higher-ups probably loved her, considering the array of medals and awards she'd been granted over the years. She was even well-known enough that some people didn't like her - like Lieutenant Colonel Rerugen.

"Yeah. You didn't know that?"

"Well, I guess I sort of did."

Green Eyes gave me a smile. "Looks pretty amazing on _your_ record, too, considering you're not even a mage. What's your story anyway...uhm...?" He leaned over to read the name inked into my canteen.

I looked down. The one was I holding read " _T. von Degurechaff"_ in neat cursive.

"You're not...related to the commander, are you?!"

"Nonononono!" I laughed. "She let me borrow it."

He rolled his eyes. "Seriously, I didn't expect her to be such a soft instructor. We all get complimentary water now, too?"

"Well...no." I couldn't bring myself to look up at those electric eyes, so I stared at the fence behind his back. "It's not normally - it's really not like that at all."

"So you're just a special case then."

Yes. But - well, I knew I _shouldn't_ be. And I was starting to feel terrible that I was. Why was it fair that Tanya did this kind of thing for me?

Would she have helped Viktoriya the same way? Neuman? Grantz? Koenig?

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry. I got it. I know what's going on." His lips finally widened into a full-fledged smirk.

Despite the sun beating down on us, it felt like ice was suddenly running down my spine. "Huh...? What do you meant?"

Green Eyes leaned forward. "You two are best friends, aren't you?"

Uhm, yes. Of course. Best friends.

That was...totally right.

On the outside, I wasn't sure what to say. I was afraid to do or say something that he wouldn't find believable. Green Eyes seemed pretty confident in this belief...but I didn't really know him.

"It's okay. I'll keep it a secret." He put one hand in the air as if he were swearing. "I get that you wouldn't want the label of a commander's pet."

I nodded slightly. "...Thanks."

"So how long have you known her for?"

I gave another small smile as the memories flooded my mind. "It was a summer day, around four years ago. She was the head tester for the Elinium Arms Research Facility, and I was an intern of the lead researcher there."

" _Really?_ Why?"

For some reason, his shock took me by surprise. I spoke my next words kind of quietly. "I...used to want to be a scientist."

Green eyes furrowed his eyebrows just a tiny bit. "Oh. That's really interesting. Almost unheard of - I mean - a woman scientist, huh?"

I examined his appearance carefully. Maybe this expression was just some sort of a poker face. It was unfaltering, but completely useless for determining what thoughts were going through his head. "...Yeah. I know it's a little weird."

"No, no. It's not. It's really cool, actually. I mean, imagine _that_."

"Well, but one day I realized I needed to be realistic. After a lot of stuff happened in my life... I decided that the best track for me would be to enlist in the military."

He gave a slow nod. Part of his poker face, maybe. "Lots of equality here, right? You can be a soldier no matter what your age or gender is."

I shrugged. "I guess. It's a job that pays money, and supplies the food and shelter for you. I knew it would be a longshot to ever see Major von Degurechaff again - well, she was a lieutenant at the time - but I kind of hoped for that as well."

I could feel my smile widening at the edges. "I was lucky. You could almost say the stars aligned for it."

"Wow. A real act of God, huh? To find your way onto a battalion with an old friend."

I shrugged my shoulders again. Maybe it was just the heat exhaustion getting to my head, maybe talking about the past had caused me to loosen up a bit too much, who knows. But for whatever reason, the following words tumbled out of my mouth:

"I don't really believe in God."

His eyes widened slightly. "What? That's shocking."

"Why?"

"I mean…" He shrugged. "Why would you not?"

"Well...okay. It's sort of a long story."

Green Eyes glanced over at Tanya and the other soldiers. One of them had fallen - a new recruit, as I didn't recognize him from before today - and Tanya was kneeling down next to him, seething out her angry commander words. I didn't strain to make out what they were. I didn't really want to know.

"Looks like we've got time, if you care to tell."

I hesitated, but he shot me a new kind of smile. A gentle, caring one. God, was this man a master of controlling his expressions. He could stab me with his bayonet and give me that kind smile, and I would probably consider forgiving him for it, right then and there.

And so I spilled everything. Even the things I wasn't sure if he would believe, but he didn't object to any of it. Just listened, listened, listened.

He listened to the story of my family. Of the note that said ' _DEUS LO VOLT'_. Of how I'd believed God was punishing me. Of how my "friendship" with Tanya gave me more happiness than my faith ever had. Of how I'd found out she didn't believe in God. Of how I'd found myself agreeing with her immediately, even though I hadn't realized that about myself before.

"But, wait." Green Eyes held up a hand, interrupting me for the first time. Up until this point, he'd been completely enthralled in the story. "What about the ' _DEUS LO VOLT'_ thing? How can you say there's no God, even after seeing that?"

"I'm not saying I don't believe in the supernatural," I said with a shake of my head. "But there's no 'God'. Only those who claim to be him."

"Who sent you that message then, if not God?"

I took a slow sip from Tanya's canteen, considering which words I was going to let off my tongue. Considering how I should sugarcoat my answer.

Actually? No. Fuck it. Green Eyes could handle my honest opinion.

"Well, think about it. What deity would impersonate God? What deity would rain death on a family? What deity kills women and children out of nothing but pure malevolence?"

I could see it on his lips. In the blacks of his pupils. In the furrow of his eyebrows. In the smile that slowly dropped off his face.

"Lucifer." I smiled down at Tanya's neat handwriting. Then back up at him. "It's the Devil, of course."


	26. Shortsighted

I helped Tanya put some equipment back so that we had an excuse to walk back together. Viktoriya offered to help, but Tanya gave a stern shake to her head.

"Thank you, Serebryakov, but you've worked hard today. Get some rest."

Viktoriya flashed a sincere smile and ran to catch up to Grantz, Neumann, Koenig, and Weiss.

A glance around revealed that Green Eyes was shooting me a grin and a hint of a wave. He walked back to the dormitory a few paces behind the crowd of new recruits.

I gave him a small wave back before finally returning my focus to Tanya. The sun was dipping toward the earth, casting long shadows as it struck the horizon. Tanya's back was to it, and I could just barely make out the features of her face. The wispy outline of her flaxen hair, disappearing into the intense oranges and pinks of the sky, captivated me beyond repair.

"Not a terrible set of men overall," she said quietly. There seemed to be a hint of malice in it somewhere, though.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Definitely."

She hoisted her rifle a bit higher over her shoulder. There was a clipboard tucked under the opposite arm. No words came from her mouth.

"It's been a while since we've been back out with the battalion. How do you feel? Are the wounds okay?" I took a step forward, one hand partly outstretched to touch her abdomen. But Tanya backstepped out of my reach and turned to head back toward the dormitory.

"They're okay."

I figured she was tired. This worried me, naturally, because too much physical strain on one's body while recovering from such serious injuries just seemed like an awful idea. Even for a mage.

"Are you _sure_ you're not in any pain?"

She took a deep breath. "I'm sure, Lillia."

"W-well, if you wake up tomorrow and realize you've over-exerted yourself and you don't feel up to-"

"Lillia."

"It's just, as your field medic-"

Tanya put up a hand.

I went silent. It's not like I was going to stop being concerned for her well-being, but I understood it was time to give her a break from the nagging. "...Sorry."

Tanya shook her head slightly. She lowered her hand and - to my surprise - reached over and wove my fingers through her own. Neither of us looked down at the gesture. We just began to walk back to the dormitory without another word, listening to the rustle of our footsteps and the quiet ambience of the wind.

-XXX-

We sat down on my bed, and the silenced persisted on. By this point the sun had almost completely disappeared from the skyline, and my dorm was pretty dark. Still, I didn't touch the lamp near the bedside. The light seemed too harsh. I decided I'd rather the room stay soft and blue.

Tanya hadn't dropped her rifle by the door, like I had done with mine. Instead, she had grabbed a cloth off my dresser and set the gun down across her lap to clean it.

I listened to the slide of fabric over the wooden barrel. It made a sort of _shnk, shnk_ noise that resonated through the quiet room.

My eyelids began to droop, so I let my body fall back across the mattress.

Tanya spared me a quick glance. "Worn out?"

"Aren't you?"

"Not really."

That surprised me, but I let it be.

I stared up at the ceiling until my eyes started to close. Suddenly, her voice pulled me back to full consciousness.

"Lillia..." She hesitated, then continued. "I don't think you should talk to that man."

"Huh?" It was so out of nowhere, it took me a minute to understand what she was talking about.

"The man from today. He was resting against the fence with you. You talked to him for a while, right?"

I nodded my head slowly. "Yeah...he was nice."

"Nice, huh?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Well." She scoffed quietly. "That was Lukas F. Richter."

I propped myself up on my elbows. "Wait, _what?_ You're joking, right?"

Tanya had stopped cleaning her gun and was looking at me with one eyebrow raised. "No, I'm serious."

A brief silence.

"Anyway." She turned back to her rifle, but her hands didn't continue working on it. "I don't want you to talk to him."

I squinted my eyes. "Not at all?"

"Not at all."

"I didn't think he was that bad. A little bit of a smartass, yeah, but he warmed up to me. We had a good conversation. I told him my story and he was really sympathetic."

Tanya shook her head slightly.

"Well, c'mon. You can't just tell me not to talk to him at all and not even provide a reason."

But still, Tanya was silent. It seemed she didn't feel the need to give one.

I could feel frustration beginning to bubble up in my chest. "Listen, Tanya. I get that you didn't get a great first impression of him, but he's really not a bad person. And you really can't tell me who I can or can't talk to."

" _Look,_ Lillia." Tanya's voice was suddenly as sharp as a knife. "You don't understand this now, but-"

"Don't treat me like a child."

Part of me didn't want to start a fight, but as soon as that first line had come out, my tired brain couldn't stop the rest of the words from spilling out over my lips.

"You don't get to control me, you know. You can't act like you're an adult and I'm a child, and then tell me what I can or can't do. It doesn't work like that, even if you're my girlfriend."

"Well I _am_ your commander-"

"But only when we're working!" I sat up, stiff with anger.

Tanya had turned her body to look at me now, rifle falling to the side. Her eyes had widened a bit in shock, but were quickly narrowing with anger.

"Honestly, when you first mentioned Richter to me, I was expecting a _lot_ worse. But he's not even a bad guy. At all."

" _Lillia-!_ "

"I know what this is really about, Tanya. You only hate him because he's a powerful mage, and you always have to be superior. It's all because he could make you look less impressive and get in the way of your career!"

"Why the hell-?!"

"-And you have such a superiority complex that you think you can tell me who I can or can't hang out with, just because you don't like someone? That's ridiculous!"

Tanya was glaring me into the ground at this point. Once I was done yelling, I just sort of froze and waited to face the consequences. There wasn't anything else to do.

The room was suddenly filled with a thick, suffocating silence. A twinge of guilt began to trickle down my chest, into my stomach.

She grabbed her gun, and before I knew it, I had flinched a little.

Tanya rose to her feet, turning to stare ahead at the door. "Always about my career...?"

I expected her to defend herself. To tell me, _no, Lillia. It's not always my career. Sometimes I just do things because I care about you. Because I want the best for you. Because I know what's right and wrong for you._ Even something like that would have been a more satisfying response than what I got.

"Everything's always about your career, isn't it, Tanya?"

"...You've had warning of that from the very beginning."

Tanya sauntered toward the door, lifting her rifle strap and dropping it down over her shoulder. She threw my cleaning cloth down on the dresser and exchanged it for her clipboard.

That line had made my heart sink deep into my chest. Then it dropped down into my stomach and I was suddenly feeling a vile hollowness.

I opened my mouth for words - something like "why" or "how could you say that", but I didn't seem to be capable of producing any noise. My vocal cords had shrivelled up into nothing and my mouth was dry as bone.

Tanya tucked her clipboard under one arm and pulled the door open. Still not facing me, she paused for a moment. "I'm going," she muttered, and then disappeared with a slam.

I stood up, not sure what else to do, but it quickly occured to me that I had no desire to follow her. I just found myself staring at the door.

The last thing she said played over and over in my mind like a broken record, and I covered my mouth with my hands as soon as I realized she was right.


	27. Oderint Dum Metuant

The next day was rough.

Let me tell you - and this is going to sound bad, I know. I know it's bad. But it had been a very, _very_ long time since I'd gone a single day without Tanya.

I mean, the last time I had gone a full twenty-four hours without speaking to her was back when I was in pilot training, earning my wings. And even then, we still exchanged letters whenever possible. And we knew that we'd be happy to see the other again when we got back from our separate journeys. I had gotten to live with that comfort. But not now.

That morning, I was almost granted the luxury of waking up in peace. The birds were chirping, light was seeping through the part in the curtains, and my bed was pleasantly warm. But as soon as I opened my eyes, I remembered the fight.

And humans - we always wish we could just wake up and realize things like this had all been a bad dream. We always hold out hope that in the _real_ world, everything is okay. And that none of the consequences are waiting for us when we wake from our sleep.

But this was reality, and I had fucked up.

-XXX-

As much as I wanted to lay in bed and pity myself, I knew there was work to be done. And I imagined the only thing that could make Tanya less happy with me at this point would be not showing up to training.

I pulled myself up and got my uniform on. As I stood in front of the mirror and fastened the Luftstreitkräfte badge to my chest, I practiced my apology. I rehearsed it over and over in my head - _I'm really sorry about those things I said. It was totally out of line. And it was me who got angry and started the argument..._ and so on.

After all, I was the first one to get angry. I was the one who was furious that she prioritized her work over all else, even when she told me a long time ago that that would always be how things were. It was my fault for assuming that I had suddenly become more important than anything else. The argument was on _me_.

I had stepped into the hallway and turned toward the exit - when I heard a pair of footsteps behind me. I looked over my shoulder, and there she was.

Tanya didn't pay me any attention, though. In fact, she was staring down at the floor with a frenzied look in her eyes. Blond hair stuck out in all directions from her messy ponytail, like she'd been running her fingers through it.

I opened my mouth to speak, but in the heat of the moment my words came out in a stutter.

"T-Tanya, I-"

"No." She didn't even look at me. Just stepped right past. Before I knew it, she was already a couple of yards away and I hadn't even begun to explain myself.

"What's going-"

"I don't have time for petty bullshit today. Not now."

That's all she said, so I froze awkwardly in place. When Tanya got to the end of the hall, she paused before reaching out for the door. Waiting for me to say something, I guessed.

"...What happened? What-"

"The Republic is launching a large-scale offensive."

I was silent for a moment. "...That sounds...bad."

Tanya scoffed. "Yeah." She put her hand on the door and pushed. Suddenly, a burst of harsh sunlight poured in. "Why don't you talk to _Richter_ about it?"

I stared at the door as it closed, my hands glued awkwardly to my sides. In that moment, something inside of me changed. I'd spent all night and morning wallowing in my own guilt. I'd rehearsed this moment over and over in my head, just to have the best shot I could at righting the ways I'd wronged her.

But in the end? This was what she did once she saw me again?

Was this just the way that Tanya von Degurechaff truly was?

I began to wonder why I'd blamed myself for everything in the first place.

Balling my hands into fists, I took a few deep breaths and walked after her to the gathering room for the day.

-XXX-

Tanya explained the situation in greater detail once the entire battalion had assembled in front of the stage. We stood on the podium again - me, her, Viktoriya, and Weiss. The rest of the soldiers were lined up below, just like how we'd started the day before.

"What a perfect time to get new men for my battalion," Tanya said, pacing. She never came too close in the direction of me and Viktoriya before turning on her heel in the opposite direction, so her and I never made eye contact. "I say this, because it just so happens that I'll be needing all of the men I can get. I was told this morning to prepare for battle."

A couple of the men glanced around.

Sure, battles weren't to be taken lightly, but many of us had already been through tons of them. A few of the soldiers began to whisper. What was the big-

"A battle," she continued, that phrase sharper and louder than the others, "that may just put a stop to the entire war."

My eyes widened. I looked over at Viktoriya, Weiss - the crowd below us - and everyone seemed to be staring with the same sort of shock.

"Tensions have been rising, men." Tanya gave a hint of a smirk. "We've been beating the Republicans so far into the ground that they've gotten desperate. A full-scale offensive is being launched against us."

The room was silent. It seemed I was the only one who'd gotten any prior warning of this.

"But don't worry. If we play our cards right, this will be our claim of victory. Our checkmate."

"It's not like we're going to fail." I heard the snickering voice come from the front of the line of recruits. It had most certainly been Richter. My blood ran a little cold, because he still clearly underestimated Tanya's authority. And now the grudge she felt for him was _personal_ , even if he didn't know it.

Tanya began to describe the logistics of the upcoming battle, mostly in the form of predictions. She worked us through a couple different scenarios and explained what our actions would be for each.

I was still angry with her, but I couldn't help being impressed that she had just heard this news and had already worked out so many strategies. She must have been thinking up some of them right on the spot.

As Tanya spoke, her pacing took a turn and she began to walk down from the platform. She took the set of stairs down the left-hand side of the stage and stepped right in front of one squad of recruits. I could see Richter in that line.

Oh God. What was she planning...?

"Not that I don't _always_ demand this, but remember that maximum obedience is required from you all."

In the moment that she finished that sentence, I watched Richter's eyes widen. He looked like he'd been struck in the back of the head.

All of a sudden, he put his palms over his temples and keeled over. I could see him gritting his teeth to keep from vocalizing the pain.

I took a step forward - shocked, angry - but Viktoriya grabbed me by the shoulder and gave me a serious look. I knew she was looking out for me, making sure I didn't do something stupid. I stepped back into line with her.

As soon as Tanya turned on her heel to go back to the stage, Richter's pain seemed to stop. I watched the last of a sky-blue glow fade from her eyes as her face came into view. I'd never seen her do that to someone before. What had she...?

Richter stood up straight again and did his best to recompose himself, although his hair was a bit disheveled and his eyes a little wide. I could practically see the adrenaline surging through his veins.

"Some of you have been less obedient than others," Tanya said quietly, "so I just wanted to put out that quick reminder."

-XXX-

Training was not only ruthless, but endless. We spent the whole day doing strength activities, which wasn't just my weakest suit, but the most physically painful part of fitness training - if you were to ask me, anyway.

I mean, sure, running up and down hills with backpacks that weigh a ton is terrible as all hell, but push-ups and and pull-ups and sit-ups for hours upon end is an otherworldly form of torture. It was times like these that I found myself daydreaming about the physically-undemanding life of a biological researcher.

Tanya was walking up and down the rows as we did push-ups. I watched her yell something at Grantz and set her foot on top of his back.

"You call that a push-up? Lower!"

What kind of researcher would I have been if the war had never begun? If my family was still alive? If so much hadn't been lost?

I could have studied marine fish - no, the Empire was a landlocked country. Unrealistic. I could have gone the medical route and saved people's lives. Although, I was already sort of doing that now.

"Meyer!"

Oh God.

Tanya walked over to me. The sun was just barely tipping toward the west, causing her peaked cap to cast a dark shadow over the top half of her face. I couldn't get a good look at her expression.

"How many push-ups have you done?" she asked calmly.

I thought about it, but I'd stopped keeping track once I started daydreaming.

"Uhm...thirty?" That was a complete guess, though.

Tanya scoffed. "Yeah, right."

I felt her grab the back of my collar, and I was forced up to my feet. "At attention, lieutenant!"

I choked back any emotion that threatened to seep through to the surface and gave a stiff salute.

Tanya leaned in close to my face. So close that my heart began to flutter - despite everything, as if it were acting on muscle memory alone - like it did when she was about to kiss me.

"This is the worst possible training session to be daydreaming in. Do you understand that?"

"..."

"I said _do you understand?!_ "

"Ma'am yes ma'am!"

Her mouth curved up into a smirk, and she gave me a scoff. "It's like you're bored. Are you bored with my training routines, lieutenant?"

"Ma'am no ma'am!"

"I get it. I get it." She turned and took a few steps in the opposite direction. Now I was looking nervously at her back. "You can't tell your superior officers what you're truly thinking. You don't want me to punish you for it. I understand that."

I knew this was a facade of sympathy. She only did this when she was about to drop something catastrophically bad on her subordinate soldiers.

"So then, I'm sure it would be refreshing for you if we did something more mentally-involved. Wouldn't you like that, Miss Scientist?"

Was she...mocking me now? I heard Richter scoff in bewilderment. He'd frozen in plank position and was listening intently.

"Okay. Here's the experiment." Tanya turned around to face me again. "We'll see if you daydream less when you're doing something psychologically challenging. Like...hm..." She glanced around at the rest of the battalion.

I turned to look at them too. Most were doing their best to continue training. A couple glanced over at me, then to Tanya, and then quickly back to the ground.

Regardless of what it looked like, I knew everyone was listening. They were waiting to see what became of me.

Tanya's eyes lit up with an idea, and her smirk slowly widened. "What about a little interrogation training?"


	28. Psychopath

_A/N:_ _Hey guys! Thank you for sticking with this story. I'm really excited to be on a possibly more consistent update schedule now. If all goes well, updates should be more often than just every month or so. I'm also excited that the story is moving along, because there are some plot points that I'm really looking forward to writing...and I hope you guys enjoy them as well._

 _Additionally, I wanted to thank you all so much for your support so far. We've successfully hit 25,000 views! This wouldn't have happened without readers such as you guys. If I didn't get the nice reviews that cheer me on, the PM's about my story, the fanart people have drawn for me, and the friends who give me plot ideas and make suggestions about the storyline...this story certainly wouldn't be where it is today. I'm really grateful for it all._

 _Alright, I'm done now. Enjoy the chapter!_

 _-XXX-_

* * *

When Tanya was done speaking, all went silent. I could feel every pair of eyes on me.

It didn't matter how hot it was that day. A cold sweat started its way down my back, giving me the urge to shudder.

Then she broke the silence. "Since you're a scientist, Meyer, I'll propose an experiment. How about that?" She wove her fingers together behind her back and began to pace. "We'll see if you daydream less when you're doing something psychologically challenging. Interrogation training is the perfect method, don't you think?"

"Ma'am-"

"The dependent variable will be your level of boredom, and the independent variable will be the type of activity. That's plenty scientific, right?" She laughed. "But we'll need a control. Perhaps for comparison, we'll have everyone else continue on with their strength training, while only _you_ do this instead."

Richter scoffed. "Major-"

"Or perhaps he'd like to step in for you instead?" She pointed to him.

I shook my head. "I-I'll...do it, ma'am."

My entire body was rigid with fear. I had never actually experienced Tanya's brutal interrogation training, but the battalion had warned me all about it. They'd been put through it while I was earning my wings.

Tanya took a few steps toward me slowly. She seemed a bit surprised that I hadn't just begged for mercy instead, but I held my ground. Maybe this actually gave me a little bit of power over her, because she certainly didn't _like_ the idea of hurting me. Even if it was just a work obligation of hers to so...work and personal life had inevitably intermingled. It would be painful to have to hurt someone she cared about, right?

"Well then… We'll just have to go ahead with it. Do you have any criticism for my experimental design, Meyer?" she smirked. I was obviously supposed to swallow my spit and say no.

But I suddenly didn't _want_ to say no.

Tanya had used the thing I loved the most in a ploy to mock me. To top it all off, she'd been completely awful about confronting the fight we'd had the night before. I felt myself wanting to be more like Richter - to talk back without considering the consequences. After all, it wasn't like I had much to lose at this point if I was about to be put through my own personal session of interrogation training.

I cocked my head to the side slightly. "Actually, ma'am… I don't think your conditions for the control group would work at all. If the others were watching me go through the interrogation training, their emotional states would have the potential to be influenced, which puts too large a margin of error on the experiment. Additionally, the integrity of the control group is compromised from the beginning if initial psychological conditions and emotional predispositions are not constant through each individual in the group."

I could feel the tension in the air rising dramatically. All of the eyes on me began to burn into my back. A quick glance revealed that Richter was sporting an open-mouthed grin. Like a mixture between shock and amusement.

It was the moment of truth to find out if that response was really worth it.

I was about to obliterated, and we all knew it.

Tanya gave me a look of bewilderment, almost as if she were asking, " _why are you doing this to yourself?"_ because we both knew fully well that she had no choice but to discipline me with force.

The rifle strap dropped off her shoulder into her hand.

Oh, no no no no _no_. Not the rifle again.

I took a step back, put up an arm to defend myself, and-

 _BAM!_

For a moment, I was sure my skull was in several pieces. Shattered like a ceramic vase.

But it wasn't, of course. When the world started to make sense again, I was on my back on the ground. Tanya hovered her foot above my chest and then stomped. I expected to see a look of unadulterated rage on her face, but that's not what I got. Her eyes were squeezed shut as she did it.

All of the air in my lungs was knocked out of me. I heard a choking noise - probably from myself - and began to gasp for breath.

"Do you want to talk back to me again? Because I could always execute you for your disobedience."

I blinked a few times, trying to assess the damage that had been done. On one hand, I didn't want to know. But on the other, the doctoral instincts I'd acquired over time were kicking in and I was desperate to diagnose the problem.

I was still trying to regain my breath, but that's normal for getting rammed in the chest with a blunt object. Hopefully it was nothing more than bruising to my ribs, but I couldn't tell if any of them were broken yet.

"Are you paying attention to what I'm saying, smartass?" Tanya asked. Her foot was still on top of me. Nobody in the battalion was even pretending to train at this point.

I nodded my head.

"Then don't be such a goddamned idiot. I can't believe it, but time has actually made you a _worse_ soldier. And incompetents have no place on my battalion. They belong as targets for artillery fire." She held up her rifle and stared down the sights at me. The end of the bayonet was barely two inches from my face.

I knew I was scared, because I was shaking. But that was the only way I could tell. Adrenaline, norepinephrine, cortisol - all of the stress hormones were undoubtedly coursing through my veins. But then, why couldn't I feel them?

I stared at the sharp endpoint of the knife for a moment, before my eyes trailed up the barrel of the gun. My gaze eventually came to rest on her face.

The sun was shining against the side of her cheek now, presenting to me a brilliant shine in the whites of her eyes. Glossy and wet with unspilled tears.

-XXX-

It's a complicated thing, loving Tanya von Degurechaff. Because it was that day I realized there were some things I _hated_ her for.

Or rather, I suppose it's best to say there were things I hated _of_ her. Parts of her personality, her incredibly unique psyche, that could never be gotten used to. Things about her that were so strangely twisted and inhuman that I sometimes wondered if her soul itself were there at all.

And this was one of them. The incredible ability to ignore her emotional inhibitions and conquer anything. The amazing talent to destroy those she loved if it meant good appearances in front of others. She could give up _anything_ that she felt she had to, with little to no hesitation.

Selfishness, some may call it. But in the case of Tanya von Degurechaff, I think it might be more like psychopathy.

This is the discussion that went on in my head as she leaned down and pulled me to my feet. As the world spun and I made a futile grab at the air to stop myself from stumbling. As I scrambled to return to my feet once I fell again.

Tanya may do all of these things, but if she can fall in love, doesn't that suggest there's hope for her? That she maybe _does_ have a soul? That she's not a true psychopath? That resulted in one leading question.

 _Does Tanya von Degurechaff love me?_

It seemed I had plenty of evidence that she was a psychopath and none that she loved me. Until the moment I saw those tears in her eyes. Of course, it's possible one can simply be attached, but not in _love_. It's possible that I was more of a prize to her, though I suppose that would be holding myself in considerably high regard. Which I needed to be very skeptical of doing. It was more possible that I was something she felt she had personally raised and developed from a small, incapable state. And now she was beating my will away, destroying the progress she'd made on me. Which in turn hurt her as well, out of disappointment and frustration.

Like a luthier who had crafted one violin for nearly five years, who one day had no choice but to smash it.

But, again. It was wrong to hold myself in such high regard. I was not a finely crafted violin. I was an orphaned soldier who was in love with a madwoman.


	29. Complexes (Happy 1-Year Anniversary!)

_A/N: Guys! It has officially been one year since this story was published! I'm very excited to present you with an extra long chapter (and an extra-long thank you)._

 _Thank you to y'all who have been following this story since the very beginning, thank you to those who found the story and started reading later on, and thank you to anyone who's just picked the story up recently._

 _Thank you to those who leave comments on every/almost every chapter, to those who leave occasional comments, and to those who choose not to comment but read and enjoy the story anyway._

 _Thank you to all of the people who have talked about the fanfic with me over this past year, anyone who has helped me with_ _editing_ _and plot events, and even those who have given me harsh but entirely necessary criticism. It has all been extremely helpful._

 _Thank you to EVERYONE! I appreciate all of you so much!_

 _When I first wrote this story, I never saw myself uploading it to the internet. I thought to myself, "Oh, people don't generally read OC stories, so I'll make this just for myself." So I made it as weird and crazy and ridiculous as I wanted. Until one day, I thought, "Well, I guess I'll just give it a shot and upload it. Some people might actually think it's okay."_

 _To my luck, I found that there **were** people who enjoyed the story as much as I did. People who gave me wonderful comments and hit the "follow" (or even "favorite") button because they cared to find out what would happen next. And that's amazing. It's absolutely awesome._

 _And here we are, a year after the day I finally decided to publish it, and the story is still going strong. It would never have gotten this far without the help of you guys._

 _So, thanks again! Without further ado, here's chapter 29._

 _-TheVideoGamer_

* * *

It took me a moment to regain my senses after Tanya pulled me back onto my feet. Aside from the chatter of the evening birds and the screech of the summer cicadas, all was silent. And the air was thick with humidity, sure, but it was the tension that was truly suffocating.

She dropped her hands at her sides and then joined them behind her back. Then she tilted her head up in that way she loved to: the way where she could stare down at me from underneath her peaked cap. I sometimes wondered if this was her way of being able to talk down at people who always stood taller than her.

"At attention, Meyer."

I did my best at straightening my posture and standing with feet shoulder-width apart, then gave her a salute.

"I won't ignore your advice about my experimental design. I believe it would be most appropriate not to hold your interrogation training in front of others. But in truth, this is because it would distract my _good_ soldiers to have you crying like an infant while they're trying to train. Don't you think?"

"Y-yes ma'am."

"Very well then. When training is over for the day, I'll have you stay."

I swallowed my spit. "Yes, ma'am."

"Can you continue now?"

I shifted my weight and sucked in a breath. My chest hurt like hell, and my head was throbbing too. But I knew I didn't actually have a choice in whether or not to continue. "I'll do my best, ma'am."

"Good."

With that, we all got back to business for the day. The whole time, though, I couldn't seem to decide if I was happy that the torture had been postponed an hour or two. I supposed it would at least be good to take some time to mentally prepare myself. Though I wasn't entirely sure how to do that.

As time went on and the end of the day drew nearer, an intense anxiety burned in my chest. It got so terrible that I almost wanted the punishment to start already, because at least the anticipatory phase would be over.

Eventually, I got my wish.

"Alright, that's enough for today!" Tanya announced, "We're done!"

Everyone stopped what they were doing and went to grab their canteens and other supplies. They gave salutes to the major as they passed her by, then went on their way toward the residential building for the night. A couple of them spared me pitiful glances.

Once they were all out of sight and certainly out of earshot, Tanya turned to me.

I did my best to analyze her face, but any guesses as to what she was thinking came up blank. She was wearing a completely neutral expression.

"...What are you going to do?" I asked quietly.

Tanya shook her head. "Nothing."

A wave of relief ran down my body. But I still asked, "Why?"

She looked at me quizzically. "Are you seriously questioning me?"

"I just don't understand. Aren't you mad-"

"Do you think I _like_ hurting you?" She squinted her eyes. "Do you think I hit you today because I _wanted_ to?"

I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't say anything.

Tanya took a few steps toward me, and I flinched. She stopped in her tracks. "Lillia. For the love of- Why do you do all of that shit?"

"What do you mean?"

"Disrespecting me in front of my own battalion! Don't you understand that I'm losing control of them when people get away with talking back to me?!"

"But I didn't get away with it-"

"You still _did it_ , Lillia!"

A momentary silence ensued. I looked down and watched her out of my peripheral vision, nervous as ever.

"...What _happened,_ Lillia?"

I remained silent.

"Answer me. Or else you're just wasting my time."

"I don't exactly know what you're asking."

"I'm asking why you're doing this. Why you're acting like an absolute brat."

"I could ask the same of you, Tanya."

Her eyes narrowed further.

"You can't just have an entire argument with me and then sweep it under the rug! I'm still upset, Tanya. I tried to apologize to you this morning, but you blew me off."

Tanya was hesitant to answer, letting out a long sigh before speaking again. She seemed to realize that this was never going to get better for either one of us unless we destroyed the problem at its roots. "I didn't think I could afford to think about it. Not with the upcoming battle. But if we don't reconcile this, it'll mean that we're fighting as a dysfunctional team. And that's not going to win the war at all."

I almost smiled. I didn't quite have one in me, though. "Okay... I still wish that work wasn't your only reason for fixing this, though."

I looked up at her. Tanya was looking out at the red sky. Our bodies casted long, dark shadows over the grass.

"I'm sorry," she said.

I wondered if she was trying to convince herself, in that moment, that she loved me. That she had something genuine and sincere to say. Something to make me feel better.

But she must not have found anything, because her next words were, "Let me walk you to the clinic."

I shook my head. "It doesn't hurt anymore."

Tanya put her hand to my sternum and gave it a little bit of pressure. I winced, and she gave a subtle smirk. "Liar."

Her hand grew very warm, and I saw her computation jewel glow to life. Her eyes gave off a blue luminescence I'd seen many times before, but it was miraculous as always to watch. Suddenly, the pain seemed to be melting away.

"You don't have to heal it for me-"

"I'm not. If I don't know what the damage is, I don't know what to channel the energy into." She put her other hand on top of her first. "I'm just easing the pain."

I reached out and brushed a few of my fingertips against her cheek. Tanya glanced at my eyes for a second, then back down at her hands.

"I'm really sorry. For sabotaging your control over the battalion. That wasn't my intention. I was just angry with you."

"I know." Her head was tilted down toward my chest, but her eyes focused up on my face. "And I'm sorry. For brushing you off this morning. For the violence, too...even though it was rather inevitable."

I finally felt myself cracking a smile. That was plenty enough of an apology for me, especially coming from Tanya.

After a moment, she let her hands fall to her sides and we began to walk back toward the residential buildings together.

"Do you think...our relationship's going to go down in flames someday?" I asked her softly.

Tanya looked back toward the sky. "Most definitely."

"Why do you say that?"

"For the same reasons you asked."

I glanced over at her. How could she be so sure that our reasons were the same?

"You and I have always been... No. It's not _us_. It's me," Tanya said slowly. "I don't believe I..."

 _Have the ability to love someone?_

"Tanya-"

"Lillia, there are too many things that I can't give. And you may be okay with that a lot of the time, but it's only because you've never known anything better. And it gets a lot better than _me_."

"What kinds of things do you mean?" I asked. Tanya pulled open the back door of the building and held it open - something she rarely ever did for me. It took me by surprise.

"Like... loving you unconditionally. Being generous. Putting your needs first. I don't do any of those things."

We stepped into the hallway together. "I don't need those things-"

"You don't _think_ you need them. But you do."

"...And work is stopping you from being able to give those things?" Hm. I hoped that didn't come off sounding selfish. It wasn't meant to be.

Tanya stared straight ahead now. "Well...I'm just not willing to give them."

"Oh."

She chuckled under her breath. "I don't deny that I'm usually an emotionally-detached person. And it's obvious that I'm a mess of complexes, isn't it?"

I didn't know what to say. Was I supposed to agree with her?

"I'm self-serving, I'm pragmatic, and my life is led by ambition. I don't particularly care about infringing on the rights and freedoms of others, as long as I get to keep my own."

"Tanya, you're too hard on your-"

"When I first got my battalion, I planned on using them as nothing but human shields for my own protection."

"Tanya, listen!"

She stopped. I stopped. We had reached my dorm room door.

"When you _first_ got your battalion, that may have been what you thought. Sure. But what caused the change?"

"Well, you joined. And it turned my entire plan on its-"

"Why didn't you want to use _me_ as a human shield as well?"

"Because I care about you."

"Exactly!"

She crossed her arms. "What?"

"You aren't the cold, heartless monster you make yourself out to be, Tanya. You _are_ capable of caring for others. You just proved it. You sacrificed a plan of self-preservation out of care for another person. I don't care what kinds of complexes you have. You're not some sort of psychopath. You care."

"And what if it's all just attachment? Sentiment?"

"Well, that's certainly something. And if you ask me, it's not a bad start." I smiled at her.

Tanya gave a laugh and took my face in her hands. "You're just letting yourself be abused. But if it's what you really want, I guess I'll stay with you for a while longer." She leaned in until her forehead was resting against mine.

"How long is a while?" I asked.

"Until we either burn out, or get caught."

With that, she kissed me.

It was a drawn-out kiss. Filled with apology and relief and adrenaline. I remembered worrying that I would never have a moment like this with her again, and it felt damn good to be wrong.

I suddenly heard a high-pitched whistle. It took me a moment to realize, but it had been a catcall. The sound echoed down the hallway like a shockwave, sending ice down my spine.

Tanya pulled away from me at breakneck speed, but it was too late.

I looked in the direction of the whistle, and to my shock-

It was Richter who stood there, bearing his usual cocky grin.

I breathed a sigh of relief. My initial thought was " _Thank God it's someone I can trust."_

He walked toward us slowly, arms swaying casually at his sides.

"Oh, hello Richter." Tanya's eyes were narrowing fast.

"Good evening, major. If you don't mind me asking, why were you just kissing Lieutenant Meyer?" He gave a laugh on the last few words. It sounded hollow and fake, but not nervous.

"What? I think you must be misunderstanding something," she replied. There was venom in each word. Tanya adjusted the Elinium Type 95 hanging from her neck.

I was confused as all hell by Richter's reaction. It was impossible to get a clear read on what he was thinking.

"No," he squinted his eyes. "I think I know what I saw. Then another laugh. "It's just funny how a commander who's such a stickler for the rules could do something so incredibly _illegal_."

Tanya narrowed her eyes. "Nothing illegal has _happened_ , Richter."

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, commander. Last I checked, _homosexuals_ weren't allowed to be officers."

Tanya laughed. "Why don't you stop making reckless accusations before I punish you for speaking out of line?"

He shook his head, still holding that grin on his face.

"It's offensive to even make that accusation, for one thing. And for another, how much freetime do you think I have to be fucking around with that type of activity?"

"Listen, commander. It's fine. And Meyer, I won't tell anyone." He crossed his arms. "Y'know, as long as you meet a condition or two."

My stomach dropped. Blackmail?

"Why are you doing this?" I asked.

"Why not?" he shrugged. "Besides, if you go around committing crimes like that, don't you suppose you'll have to pay some people to keep quiet?"

"I...thought we were friends."

"And we _are_. This has nothing to do with our friendship." He laughed again. "To be honest, I had a feeling this was going on from the day I met you, Meyer. The way you talked about the commander was just too suspicious. Do you really think this came as a surprise? You even have that short hair like a boy. Of _course_ you're a fucking queer-"

Richter doubled over before he could finish his sentence, grabbing his head in pain. He let out a yelp and sank down to his knees.

It seemed worse than the first time this happened to him. His face was even paler than it usually was, his eyes squeezed tight and his knuckles white. Tanya's eyes were glowing fiercely, along with her computation jewel.

Richter began to cry out in pain. "Okay, okay, stop! Please - agh! _Please!_ "

"Take it back," Tanya said calmly.

"What?!"

"You called her a 'fucking queer'. Take it back."

He struggled silently for another moment.

"Any day now." Her eyes grew even brighter.

Richter screamed again. "Okay, okay okay okay! I'm _sorry!_ "

Then just like that, like candles going out, Tanya's eyes dimmed back to normal. Richter was left a mess on the floor, heaving and retching as the agony faded from his nerves.

"At attention, Richter."

He stumbled to his feet. When he gave a salute, his hand was shaking erratically.

Tanya stepped toward him until she was very, very close. She had to crane her head up to meet his gaze, but the anger in her face and the maturity in her posture made it feel like she was the one looking down on him. "Listen. If you _ever_ threaten me again, you'll lose your life. And even if you go to the higher-ups about me, who do you think they'll believe? _Your_ word, or mine?"

He was silent.

"Oh, and if you ever say something like that to Meyer again, just know that you'll die for that too."

A nod came in reply.

"Now get out of my sight."

Richter turned on his heel, gave us a final bitter, pain-filled glance, and left.

A couple of soldiers opened their dormitory doors and looked around as he turned the corner.

"What was all that racket?" one man asked, rubbing his eyes. "I have places to be in the mor- oh, pardon me, Major Degurechaff." The man gave a quick salute. He looked ridiculous though, acting like a soldier when dressed in night clothes.

"At ease, Harding," Tanya said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "It's just one of the men on my battalion. I was punishing him for something, and he was acting like an infant."

"Oh, uhm. Alright. Have a good night, you two."

I had no idea what rank he was, so I gave a salute just to be safe. "You too, sir."

Pretty soon, the people's curiosity was sated and all the dormitory doors were shut again.

Tanya gave me a simplistic look that I took to mean: " _Well...your room?"_

I nodded and unlocked the door.

As soon as it was shut, I wrapped my arms around her.

Tanya sighed and rested her head on my shoulder. "What the hell was that?"

"I don't know," I said quietly. "You think he's gonna be out to get us now?"

"No. Don't let this worry you, Lillia. If Richter ever tries to cause a problem, I'll put an end to it immediately."

I thought back to the look on Richter's face right before he turned to leave us be. It was one of disgust, but with a healthy blend of unadulterated horror. Tanya had scared him shitless. Maybe I could take her word on this.

"I'm sorry for trusting him."

"You didn't realize."

"But I let him get to me. I took his side and rebelled with him. So I'm sorry."

Tanya shook her head. "Don't worry."

I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief. "I'm really glad that we solved things today. I don't know what I'd do if we went into battle angry with each other."

Tanya pulled away from the hug and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "It would be a nightmare. The team would be weakened, our minds wouldn't be in the war, and..."

"What?"

"If something happened…" She shook her head. "Well. That isn't the way I'd prefer things to end between me and you."

"What would you prefer then? What's the ideal end to our story?"

A chuckle. Then she gripped me by the shoulders, and I could tell she was preparing to kiss me. "Something very, very far away from now."

I was smiling when her lips met mine.


	30. Layover

_A/N:_

 _pride month pride month prIDE MONTH PRIDE MONTH -_

 _Hey everyone, sorry it's been so long! I have a bit of downtime since the school year just ended and I haven't yet started work for the summer. That means I should have time to post another chapter of Mutually Assured Destruction within the next week or so! My hype for Youjo Senki was restored when I saw the movie in theaters. Anyone who got to see it - what did you think? Let me know in the reviews!_

 _This particular chapter is a little bit of a transitional period in the story so bear with me, Tanya and Lillia will be launching into battle again very soon! I'm very excited to be posting this today (June 1st) of all days. I can't think of a better way to kick off pride month than by updating my gayest fanfic! (lmao)_

 _Anyway, thank you all so much for being patient with me and waiting so long for this update. Without further ado, here's the next chapter!_

* * *

A few days later, we all slipped off to a different military base. We were headed west for the big battle, and the new base was our halfway point. If everything went according to plan, this might be our chance to force a Republican surrender. As new information came in from HQ, Tanya updated us with new strategies. We were to join up with a few companies on the new base. One was a lower tier mage company, and one was an aircraft fleet. The foot soldiers would be there as well, but they were less relevant to our group. We would be sharing airspace with those two other companies, so Tanya needed to coordinate with their commanders.

Everyone travelled by train, except for me. I was to fly to the base. My first concern wasn't about the directions, or the separation from the rest of the battalion - no, I had bigger things to worry about, such as my plane having been destroyed in the previous battle.

Fortunately for me, I got issued a new one the very day that were were to leave.

"It's a newer model than your old one," the sergeant explained to me as I looked over the freshly-painted wings.

I was in awe. The aircraft was beautiful. My first one had been white, painted with the iron cross insignia on either side. This one was bright red. The black iron cross sat gracefully on the body and tail wings, bordered by a layer of white.

It was an Imperial Fokker Dreidecker. I had heard of them before, but never seen one in person since they were so new. It was a triplane- which gave it the appearance of having three pairs of wings stacked on top of each other. Despite this, visibility for the pilot still looked okay. It'd be extremely stable in the air, which meant I could probably go faster than before. That was always a plus when serving on Tanya's battalion.

I smiled and turned back to the sergeant. "Is this plane _really_ for me?"

He nodded. "Higher-ups realized you're gonna need something better if you want to do well with the 203rd."

I gave a salute. "Thank you so much, sir."

He chuckled. "At ease, lieutenant. Now go ahead and fly 'er where you need to be."

I picked up my suitcases from the ground beside me, when the sergeant put up a hand to stop me. "This is a one-seater. I'll make sure your suitcases get on the train with the battalion, but the only thing you'll be able to fit in there with you is your first-aid kit."

"Oh, okay." That was fine. I unlatched one of the cases and pulled out my bag of first-aid supplies. I sat that inside the plane and closed the suitcases back up. Then I climbed into the cockpit.

The engine roared to life, loud - louder than my old plane - but I loved it. It took a moment to get all of the controls worked out, but then I was cleared for takeoff and flew my new plane into the sky.

It wasn't a long flight, only an hour or maybe a little more. It was a smooth, stable flight. I tested the Fokker's abilities, straining the engine, slowing down, anything to get a better feel for it as I waited to reach my destination. There wasn't a huge time restraint, as Tanya's battalion would inevitably be arriving after me.

Eventually, my destination came into view. The huge, rectangular buildings of the base appeared, and then the runway. I saw a myriad of other planes lined up side by side, and carefully made a note not to land too close to them. Once I tipped downward and began to slow my velocity, something occurred to me.

This plane _did_ go much faster than my old one. My old plane only ever went about 145 to 160 kilometers per hour at top speed. When I tipped the plane down and began to slow, I realized I was going almost 210 kilometers per hour. I needed a _lot_ more distance to be able to slow down for a comfortable landing.

The problem was, I didn't exactly _have_ anymore distance. I slowed down as fast as I could. A horrible throb ripped through my head from the rapid change in velocity.

 _Shit. Careful, careful, careful,_ I thought to myself, uselessly.

There was no choice anymore. I was too close to the ground to pull up and try to make a wide loop around. I'd have to come in hot and land as steadily as possible.

My hands shook as I imagined the worst case scenario. Wheels smashing the ground so hard that they shatter like glass. Plane skidding along the track, sparks showering down on me like a scalding lightstorm. Metal debris flying through the air, skating across the runway and shattering the windows of the buildings. Losing this beautiful new plane on my very first flight with it. Dying because of my own idiocy. Putting others in danger out of pure incompetence.

Just like that, everything was coming down to this moment.

I waited until I was at the halfway point between my original altitude and the runway, then pulled up hard on the steering rig. The plane came to an even tilt, then the nose shot up toward the sky. With all of this air resistance, I was bound to slow down a ton. I grit my teeth and tried frantically to calculate exactly when I would be hitting the ground. Coming in faster than usual meant I needed to be at an even tilt again when I hit the ground. That would ensure the steadiest landing.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Okay, NOW!

 _CR-ASH!_ The wheels clattered along the pavement. My whole body was jostled back and forth, up and down, side to side. Somewhere in the moment I'd unclenched my teeth to let out a yelp, and the turbulence caused my jaw to snap down and bite hard on my tongue.

Things steadied out after that. I got ahold of myself, shook off the fear and focused on slowing the plane to a halt. I was a bit close to where the other planes were lined up, but no one was likely to scold me for it.

As I jumped down from my plane and began to inspect it for any damage, my eye caught two soldiers running toward me from the building nearest the runway.

"Ma'am, we saw that rough landing. Are you alright?" Came a low voice, much older than me.

I forgot my military courtesy for a moment, not turning to respond to him. "Y-yes, sir. I'm just worried about my plane."

It did look fine, though. It was the newest technology, after all. Strong and durable. I was incredibly thankful for that.

I heard footsteps to my right, coming closer to me. A second soldier began to speak. "Not to alarm you, ma'am, but you have blood on your-" He gasped.

I finally turned, not out of concern for the blood, but because I recognized that voice. "...Eric?"

In front of me stood a young man with short-cropped black hair. His eyes were blue as the ocean on a sunny day.

He gave me a sly, half-grin. Yep. There was no mistaking it. Eric, from the accelerated air force school. His very own Luftstreitkräfte badge glimmered cheerfully on his uniform. He was much taller than I remembered, and still a bit lanky, but his figure was broader than before. One of his front teeth - a canine - was chipped at the bottom.

Eric gave a salute. "It's Second Lieutenant Hofmann, now."

I saluted him back. "Funny coincidence, Lieutenant Hofmann. I'm Second Lieutenant Meyer now."

"That's good to hear." He turned toward the man beside him. "Meyer, this is First Lieutenant Krüger."

"Good to meet you, sir."

"As to you, ma'am."

I thought I could spare myself the embarrassment and not discuss my rough landing with anyone, but once the three of us entered the building, Eric brought the blood on my face back up. I found myself a restroom and checked my face in the mirror.

There was a still-fresh line of dark red from my lips to the bottom of my chin. I stuck out my tongue, and sure enough, I'd bit it pretty damn bad. There were distinct teeth marks in it. But hey, at least it hadn't come off.

I rinsed the blood from my mouth and washed it off my face. Then it was back to business. There were more introductions to make, and I had to find the room I'd be staying in.

Tanya and her men arrived just before dinner.

Quite a few people wanted to watch the 203rd Mage Battalion's train pull in. A few people recognized me from photographs and gave me kind words about my time on the battalion, but I knew that Tanya was the one everyone wanted to see. She was the celebrity of the team: the face that anyone could recognize.

We all lined up near the train platform. Tanya stepped off first, coming into view just as she finished adjusting the peaked cap on her head.

I half-expected people to cheer and wave for her as if she were the emperor. But that isn't what happened. We all stood, straight-backed and silent, as she stepped out onto the platform.

She gave a quick salute, which was mirrored by the observing crowd. Then, one by one, her subordinates got off the train behind her. Tanya walked down the path in between crowds of soldiers. Each battalion member saluted, then began their walk in a tight, uniform line. These mages really were the best soldiers that the Empire had to offer. I found myself in a state of giddiness, lost in the awe of their perfect synchronization.

"I heard the White Silver has over fifty confirmed kills," one man said behind me.

I turned to look at him. "It's above a hundred now, I believe."

"Wow. That'll be in the history books for sure."

I smiled. "Yeah, it's gotta be."

All of a sudden, there was a hand on my shoulder. I turned back around to find that it was Tanya. I glanced over the crowd. Everyone was looking at me now.

"Well, Lieutenant Meyer? You're a member of the battalion too. Walk with us."

I nodded. Tanya stepped back into the middle of the parted crowd and Viktoriya motioned for me to get behind her. She was wearing a smile. I stepped into line as she passed, and we all marched into the base together, a complete team. For a moment there, I had completely forgotten I was one of them.


End file.
